HEART MATTERS

How do we honor our spouse and our marriage?  It all begins in the heart. Solomon one of the wisest men who ever lived exhorts us in proverbs 4:23 that “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Why did he say that? Every word we speak and every action we take flows from our heart. Our thoughts and beliefs determine what we say and do.

One of the things that happen to us in marriage is that with time we allow the wrong stuff about our spouse to enter our hearts so that we have negative thoughts and beliefs about them. In dealing with couples Grace and I will often hear words like “My husband can’t change”; “You don’t know my wife”; “My wife is against me” or “My wife is always nagging me”; “My husband is lazy” and so on. For those of us who are analog, you can remember the old way we took pictures; you had to take the negative to be developed to get your picture. It wasn’t instant as we do today with the digital cameras. Similarly in our marriages, we spend a lot of time in the dark room developing a lot of negative thoughts and beliefs about each other.

What do you believe about your spouse? Common be honest. According to Gary Smalley in an article for Focus on the Family entitled “Honoring Your Spouse”; the answer to the question “What do you believe about your spouse?” determines everything about your marriage. What you think about your spouse on a regular basis forms beliefs in your heart.  Once these beliefs take root, they guide all your words and actions. What you believe about your spouse determines the quality of your conversations and time together. If you believe that they are a nag, or that they are not interesting then that will determine the quality of your conversations and time together. If you have those negative thoughts and beliefs about your spouse, you should start by examining your heart.

What things have you allowed into your heart?  True and lasting change begins with a change of heart. And once that is done, you need to continuously guard your heart for it is indeed the wellspring of life and of your marriage. Do due diligence to ensure that you don’t allow anything negative to pollute your thoughts and beliefs towards your spouse. When we think positively about them and our marriage, we will indeed have a great marriage for as a man or woman thinks in his/her heart, so is he/her spouse and their marriage.

HOW MUCH IS YOUR SPOUSE WORTH?

We recently read about this guy who was selling his wife for 900,000. That is how much he valued his wife. I remember many years ago when I went to pay dowry for my wife Grace telling her that she was worth more than the number of cows her  family demanded that we give them. Fast forward after many years of marriage I have found that I sometimes don’t treat Grace with such value. It is as if I’m now willing to sell her at 50% off sale price.

Unfortunately in many marriages, with time we have this tendency of taking each other and our marriage relationship for granted. We invest in everything else except our relationship with each other. We can pay anything for our health, we are quick to see the doctor if we suspect something wrong with our health but hardly see a Therapist or Counselor when things are not right in our marriage. We treat other people more importantly than our spouse. We give them our time and attention, compliment them, spend a lot on them as men but when it comes to our spouse we are mean. As ladies we remove our best china cutlery for the Pastor or that honored guest but yet serve our husband on that ordinary melamine plate. That’s how we take each other for granted instead of honoring each other.

We honor our stars be they a famous footballer, an artist, Politician or our Pastor. You should hear people talk about their heroes; we have posters of them everywhere and even tattoo them on our bodies. You should see how some Christians treat their Bishops and Pastors as if they were God Himself. Some of us will even kill you for talking negatively about our Political Leader. But when it comes to our spouse, we allow them to be roasted by our families; we treat them as an ordinary “mwanainchi”. We do this not consciously but unknowingly.

What is honor? According to marriage Counselor Dr. Gary Smalley, the Greek word for honor means “the amount at which something is valued.”  How much do you value your spouse? Dr. Gary Smalley goes ahead to say that “Honor is a decision to express high value, worth, and importance on another person, viewing that person as a priceless gift, and respectively granting him or her a place in our lives”. Is that how we treat our spouse?  Do you consider him or her as a priceless gift? Do you grant him or her the highest place in your life? Why don’t we decide to do that this year? This can be a good New Year’s resolution. Determine to deliberately treat your spouse and your relationship with them with honor after all “Marriage should be honored by all.” (Hebrews 13;4).