WHAT ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF?

Communication is one of the most important things in marriage and a lack of communication or ineffective communication can lead to marital breakdown.  There is what is called external communication that is communication between you and your spouse in the case of marriage and internal communication that is what you tell yourself.  In my many years experience working with people generally and married couples in particular, I have come to realize that the most important communication is that communication that you have with yourself.

For example the woman in the Bible who had suffered with bleeding for twelve years said to herself “If only I touch the hem of His (Jesus) garment I will be made whole” and when she did that she was indeed healed. The prodigal son said to himself, “How many of my father’s hired servants have a better diet than mine, I will arise and go back to my father” and he did that and was received back by his father. What are you telling yourself concerning yourself, your spouse or your marriage? Are you telling yourself beautiful things or are you constantly telling yourself that “if only I had married the right person …”, or that “I would only be happy if my spouse did …” or even “men will always cheat or women just like nagging”. How do you expect your marriage to thrive if you have such thoughts?

As much as external communication is important in marriage more important is this internal communication or self-talk, that is our internal thought process. We so often wish and pray that our spouse will change but what we don’t realize is that it is us to first change. We need to change our self talk as our self-talk is directed at our subconscious and our subconscious is non-judgmental and will strive to make every thought a reality. So we need to change our self talk in order to change our reality.

How do we do this? By first realizing where those thoughts are coming from. Where does our self talk come from? Every individual has a unique mode of self talk. This evolves from our ethnic beliefs, upbringing (nurture), life experience (nature) our own self-worth and even our relationships with friends, peers, family and authority figures. So first and foremost become aware of how you are talking to yourself and then listen to clues for negative self-talk. After that dig deep to find where those thoughts are coming from.  Is it coming from your ethnic beliefs, your upbringing or the company you are keeping?

WHAT IS THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL?

If you were to rank the following four important things in life according to your priorities which would you rank first-;

1.       Education for yourself and family members

2.       Keeping or getting a new job (your career)

3.       Building or owning a house

4.       Your marriage and family

According to the 2016 Fin-Access House-Hold Survey Report, marriage or having children, building or improving your home, and keeping in touch with friends and family are the least important goals for Kenyans. Only 3.2% Kenyans prioritize marriage as compared to 3.9% who prioritize building or improving their homes and 4.6% keeping in touch with friends and family. 

Educating self or one’s family, putting food on the table and keeping or getting a new job were cited as the most important goals by the respondents at 31.5%, 27.45 and 20% respectively.

This shows that Kenyans put a lot of value in educating themselves and family and put little value on their marriage and relationships. Contrary to what many of us who are married say, that our marriage and family is the most important thing in our lives, it is now clear that we value other things more than our relationships. What you value you put more resources in be it finances; time or energy and what you don’t value you invest less and less of these resources.

This explains the poor state of our society because a strong society is as a result of strong families which are a result of strong marriages.  We tend to look at what can give us material good and instant gratification at the expense of that which is important for the long haul. It has been said that many a man doesn’t regret or wish they spend more time at their job, got themselves the best education they could have got, or bought the most toys they could have bought. But majority wish they had spent more time with their loved ones.

So let me ask you again, what is the most important thing in your life? Where are you spending most of your time, money or energy in? That will surely open your eyes to see what really is important to you.