STOP & REFLECT

Last week Thursday November the 26th was declared a public holiday to allow people to attend the Pope's mass at the university grounds as well as to take time as a Nation to reflect. While Americans celebrated thanksgiving day we in Kenya were supposed to be taking time to reflect.

We wonder how many of you did actually stop and reflect. But as we come to the end of yet another year, don't you think it is a good time for all of us who are married to stop and reflect on the condition of our marriage? And as we do so, may we suggest to you that you take time to first and foremost single out things that you might as well be thankful for. This might seem to be a difficult thing as you begin why? because we so often tend to focus on that which is not working and forget to celebrate and be thankful for what is working well.

This is because we spend a lot of time in the dark room developing the negatives in our spouses or relationship. We rarely get out of those dark rooms to see the sunlight and celebrate and be thankful for the positives in our spouse and relationship. Let me ask you Sir, when is the last time you appreciated your wife for taking good care of your children, cooking that good meal for you and giving you good sex?

What about you dear lady, when is the last time you truly thanked your man for the effort he is making to ensure that you are comfortable as a family, in providing for you and the children and for remaining faithful to you in these days of mpango wa kando? And so as we stop to reflect lets start on a positive note by being thankful and celebrating the good things in your spouse and in your relationship before we quickly look at what can or should be done better.

REAL MEN CRY

Ladies let me ask you…

·         Is your man unable to discuss his feelings?

·         Is your man determined to avoid his feelings?

·         Is your man unable to express love, sorrow, or pain?

·         Is your man unable or unwilling to cry?

·         Is your man insensitive to your emotions?·         

           Does your man physically leave the room when emotional issues are discussed?

·         Does he lighten the mood or change the topic when emotional issues are discussed?

If you answered yes to one or all of the above questions then you are not alone. In our experience helping couples in their marriage and relationships, Grace and I have found that this is a common complaint among women. Their men can’t, NOT just won’t, open up to them. Why do I say that? Some men, in fact a majority of them want to open up to their wives but just can’t. They are unable to or don’t know how to. 

According to Relationship Expert Dr. Gary Smalley, a man who can cry is a man who has learned some secrets about intimacy. But sadly, for many men it takes something tragic or life-changing before they understand this truth. Yet many boys emerge from adolescence with a strong sense that being strong and unfeeling is the “masculine” thing to do (no wonder the other day when our Deputy President cried in public it was deemed to be culturally offensive). When a male brain is saturated in testosterone, it doesn’t take much, even from well-meaning family members, to give a boy the message that emotions and feelings are only for girls.

Then when a man enters into a relationship with a woman and even marries her she expects him to show the very emotions and feelings that as a boy he was told not to show. For this to happen, the man must be willing to undergo a serious paradigm shift in order for him to now accept that it’s okay for a man to cry and openly show his feelings. After all contrary to what we have always heard, real men also cry. This paradigm shift is important but not easy and once it is achieved it can release a man to open up and become emotionally intimate, truly one with his woman like never before.