TO BE OR NOT TO BE DESPERATE

Many people may have laughed and thought that those who went to Pr Chris' meeting last Saturday were people who were so desperate.  Yet deep inside we are all desperate in one way or the other. 

This morning, I (Gracie) woke up with an intention to perform my ritual of exercising.  I have not done it for some time and this particular one took me so many steps back.  You should have heard me pant, huff and puff.  Just to let you know before you get some ideas, am not  so desperate on losing weight but staying healthy. 

One time I was in the gym and I saw this lady walk in wearing a gym suit.  She was just the right size and did work out with the rest of us as though  the aerobic steps were nothing for her. Most of us, on the other side of the weighing scale were sweating and panting, as the instructor led us along.  You can only imagine.

 I left the gym that day depressed and desperate to loose weight but when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Wife of Achoki, it ain't that bad.  Just work on the health and stay fit”. I made up my mind that day that I was not going to be depressed by trying to look like someone else

I was now desperate to be healthy and since then I have tried to eat right, sit right, walk right and exercise right.  There is a positive side to desperation and a negative one. When you stop being desperate then you end up being passive. You need to move from having a desire to dreaming to being desperate. Be hungry for what you want and stay hungry. That is positive desperation. 

On the other hand don’t be too desperate in a negative way that you end up settling for anything that wears a trouser and talks with a base. When it comes to marriage, don’t let your desperation drive you to the wrong relationship. It is better to remain single than to be in a troubled marriage.

“You only live once, so why not enjoy this life” – Grace Achoki

Let The Man be The Man

Last Sunday night I watched a beautiful play at the Kenya National Theatre by a group called “Wholesome Entertainment”. The drama was entitled “The Corporate Woman”. This play was brought back by great public demand. What a play it was.

The play dramatizes the challenges encountered in marriage by a corporate woman whose husband has lost his job. The man is not as qualified as his wife who then embarks on a job of trying to help her man get back to his feet. She does so by first sprucing up his cv which is really nothing attractive bearing in mind the man is not highly educated. She tries to use her connections and friends to hook this guy up with a job. Long story short she almost loses her husband to her best friend who has promised to get him a job in Zanzibar.

The man is so harassed that he even looses confidence in himself. In fact the only person who gives him a little confidence is their househelp, who guess what? is a ugandan lady that treats this man royally. She treats him so well that the wife becomes insecure about the househelp.

This story brings out certain truths about men that many women don’t understand. Deep inside every man there is a hero. More than anything else every man wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. When he doesn’t feel trusted, he loses his confidence like the man in the play and will fall for any other woman who can offer him that feel.

According to Author John Elderidge in his book "wild at heart", deep within every man's heart is the cry "Do I have what it takes?" Therefore whenever the man doesn't feel trusted, or whenever he falls short or fails his woman, that message is amplified in his heart. This is then what drives most men into doing crazy stuff or withdrawing completely. 

Why her “I do” will always mean “Do you?”

Last Friday (26^th August) my wife and I celebrated our sixteenth wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine that it has been that long since I told my bride “I do”. I always say it’s even a miracle for me to be married and in love with the same woman lo this many years. Considering where I come from, to be married to only one woman this long, is another miracle.

Even though our relationship has been great, there have been many times my wife has felt insecure about my love for her. When that insecurity is triggered, my wife responds in ways that confuse or dismay me until she feels reassured that I love her. Fact is that many of the things that perplex or even anger us about our wife are Red flags, signals that they are feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.

For example, have you ever wondered why your wife:

• Asks, “Do you love me?” even though you’ve done nothing to indicate you’ve changed your mind about loving her? (In fact, you just told her you loved her this morning on the way out of the door!)
• Takes your need for space as an indication that you are upset with and trying to get away from her?
• Wants to talk, talk, talk about your relationship – especially at times you least want to?
• Seems to turn critical or pushy for no reason you can figure?
• Gets crabby or “excessively emotional” and seems to push you away – but is unhappy or angry when you stay away?

Early in our relationship I used to get so upset and bothered with this kind of stuff until I came to learn that for a woman, the need for reassurance is very critical. I thought that I was doing better than the African man who when his wife cried to be reassured of her husband’s love for her, responded by telling her, “The day I married you, I told you that I loved you. In case things have changed, I will let you know.”

Before you laugh at that man, let me shock you with the news that most of us men are exactly like that. Though we may not verbalize those same words, our actions say it. For most men, as long as they meet their financial obligations, are not beating their wives and are not cheating on them, their marriage is okay.What they don’t understand is that their wives don’t feel permanently loved once the vows are made. Yes, she knows you love her, but there are periodic times when her feelings need to be convinced and reassured.  

In case you as a woman has been wondering what is wrong with you, let me reassure you that you are very normal. Eighty percent (8 out of 10 women) acknowledge sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under 45, the percentage jumped to ninety-one percent, and among those with children in secondary school or younger, it was almost universal (that is a hundred percent).

Buried inside most women – even those in great relationships – is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them, and whether the relationship is okay. This sense of vulnerability may be under the surface of their minds, but when it is triggered, most women show signs of distress until the concern is resolved.

Let me end by leaving us with two key practical solutions that I have recently learned. First is regular reassurance. In the face of insecurity, reassure her. During conflict, reassure her of your love. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space – she needs a hug. If she needs to talk, do your best to listen without becoming defensive. Secondly, pursue persistently. Pursuit prevents a lot of her insecurity.