Facing your Giant

I Barnie recently read a very interesting article on sexual desires of men and women. Most sexual problems according to this article occur when sexual desires of men and women are not in sync. "He  says she never wants sex." She says he always wants sex." "These are common marital complaints recorded by doctors and therapists who deal with sex problems. A couple may be terribly in love, but have disparate sexual desires. While she may be happy with sex onve or twice a week, he may want it every day and if the couple does not reach a compromise, this may create serious conflict in the relationship. The problem in sexual issues is that they are not freely discussed and so couples sweep them under the carpet until they explode," the article goes on to say.

I fully agree with the above sentiments. I too have come across such issues and I am always left to wonder why couples cannot just sit down and handle these issues and others by facing them square on the face and dealing with them. Instead, like the proverbial ostrich, we bury our heads on the sand and ignore our problems. We have not learnt to face these Giants head on and deal with them. These Giants may not necessarily be of the sexual nature as discussed above, but could be issues of our past, our anger problem or annoying habits that destroy our love relationships. They could even be the conflicts that rise up in our relationships. For me Barnie, my Giant was whenever my wife would say these words to me at night, "Honey, can we talk?" That was a 'Giant' that I always avoided like plague. But I realized that unless I faced it, our relationship would never be the same again. I had to swallow hard, sit up in bed and say in my mind " Okay, BRING IT ON" .

These Giants sometimes look so huge like Goliath, and we are small like David. And so just like Goliath did with the Israelite army, they taunt us, and mock us and keep us paralyzed days on end. And so because of our fear of them, we ignore them by sweeping them under the carpet and assume everything's okay. But that's a lie, you and your partner, or at least one of you knows the truth. The more you want to get intimate the harder it becomes because a wall has been erected, there is a barrier that hinders penetration and thus its painful, people hurt, and true intimacy is not achieved. On the other hand, it takes what the Kamba call "vinya" (remember the clarion call "Osa vinya Mukamba"); that is courage, to brace yourself or yourselves up and say "we need to talk". Lets face it, let us come up against it like David did with Goliath,  and you will be surprised at what God will do. He is waiting for you to take that step of "faith".

It takes both courage and initiative to face our Giants and not to run away from them. The easier way is always the way out, taking the short cut, assuming it's okay or remaining quiet about it. As men we run into our caves and hide there. We put up a sign "Don't Disturb" and attack like a venomous snake whenever that topic, our Giant, is mentioned. But as you know, short cuts end up being long cuts. It seems hard to face the Giant, but after you have done it, it's all downhill. Its time to stand up and be counted, take courage men and take the initiative. After all, men are the heads of the home and headship or leadership requires us taking initiative. Why sit you there till you die, do something, face your Giant and deal with it.

So what Giants have risen up in your relationship? Have you been running away from them or have you been facing them square on the face and dealing with them? If you have been running away from them, realize this, you cannot run away from yourself. If you don't deal with those Giants they will continue to haunt and taunt you. They will paralyze your relationship and there will be no progress into intimacy. So rise up o man take courage and take initiative to face your Giant, the Giant in your relationship.

Yes I Do, Did I?

I Barnie says...

Early this week, early Monday morning to be precise, my wife and I were woken up by the sad news of the tragic death of one of the world's greatest marathon champions and Olympic marathon winner Samuel Kamau Wanjiru, who died at the tender age of 24. What was so sad about this death was the circumstances that led to it and the skeletons that are coming out of the wardrobe, or should I say coffin. Here was a promising young man with a great future ahead of him but who through careless living ended his life prematurely. The skeletons that came out were mainly in regard to Wanjiru's marriage. "Wanjiru's death shows something is terribly wrong with marriages" was the heading in the TALKING POINT  section of the Daily Nation dated Tuesday May 17th.

Marriage seems to be underseige when you read and here such comments, but truth be told, it is something that calls for a fresh look at what we are getting into when we enter marriage. Early this month Grace and I began sharing on Hope FM on the importance of preparing ourselves for marriage. I have noted of late the influence of the wedding show on Citizen TV (let's not even talk about the Royal Wedding), on many young people intending to get married. A lot of focus is being put on the wedding day itself and I'm left wondering what measures are being taken to prepare the couples for the marriage itself. Remember, the wedding is just an event, as a matter of fact, a few hours event, but marriage is for life, it's for a lifetime so you better prepare well for it. People who get caught up in their emotions and the wedding plans without asking themselves some tough, or rather sober questions end up wondering if they really did say "I DO" several years or even months after they do.

 I remember several years ago while taking a couple through premarital counselling, the husband to be was busy running is hand over the lady's hair evidently caught up with his fiancee's beauty, even as I labored to pour my heart to them. Sad to say that today they are no longer together. What happened? As a man are you looking beyond the outer beauty into the inner beauty or are you just mesmerized with the external, how fair she is, her shape, her lovely eyes. Nothing wrong with that obviously, my wife had all that plus a wonderful voice to go with it. But there have been times those eyes have not been as lovely as they were red, that voice has not been as wonderful as it has been worryful, and the shape may no longer be that figure 8 although she's trying her best. But you know what, that has not changed the person I married, neither should it change my promise to her. Yes even in those difficult times when I wonder if I did, I'm reminded of what I said and what I have helped many others say, "I DO".You have only one of two choices to make, to remember your moment of "I DO" and to swallow hard and forge ahead in your marriage, or to take what I call the easier option and say "I Didn't" and walk out. The latter leads to Death, yes divorce is a kind of death, and with it you end up being a statistic like Wanjiru, while the former leads to yes, a legacy for your sons and daughters, for the generation to come.

And so for you who have not yet said "I DO", think twice before you say it, make sure you know what you are getting yourself into and ask yourself, is this what I really want? Can I handle this (marriage)? Do I have what it takes? Am I willing to make the necessary sacrifices? Am I ready to make that commitment "Forsaking all others, keep myself only for thee"?  And If you have already said "I DO", are you wondering if you did? Well it's too late for you now, but you know what! you can change the only thing that is in your power to change, and that is yourself. Remember your "I DO" and make the right choice to continue in your "I DO" and you will not end up like Wanjiru, Omondi, your Dad, or whoever else that is part of this bad statistics.

NB. Thanks to all You our fans who have been listening to us on Hope FM this month, you have been a great source of encouragement to us. Keep listening and you and your marriage (for you singles your future marriage) will surely live.

Till “D” Do Us Part

“I Gracie take you Barnie to be my lawful wedded husband, to love and hold, in sickness and in health for richer for poorer, till death do us part.  This is my vow I give to you.” 

Do these words ring a bell or do you hear the bells ringing without these words?  How many times have you attended weddings and visualized yourself as the bride?  Imagine you walking down the aisle once again in your “Kate” lassed dress, not to mention the corset that’s holding everything together and all that the makeup is hiding.  So where were we?  Would the vows change this second time?  Would it go like this, “ I take you to be my awful wedded hurb, to love but not to hold especially after midnight.  For richer and definitely not for poorer (we ‘ve  eaten enough vegetables), for better and certainly not for worse (what could be worse than sitting in the living room waiting for him to come home after promising to be home in the next ten minutes), in health yes, but not in sickness  aaaai, the kids have taken me through enough, till death, oh! sorry till my girlfriend Diana do us part or I say till Dennis in the office puts us apart as he meets my emotional  needs.  You see, I need affection.  I need love.  It’s called “catching up with my buddies” not hanging out with the wrong company.  “One can really get lonely”, you argue.

So what would your vows sound like  this time?  Do you feel guilty?  Ouch!  Maybe we didn’t take the original vows seriously because we were busy planning for the wedding and thinking of the honeymoon. But it’s now too late to change our minds, however we can change our attitudes towards each other. So there’s no harm in writing the vows on a piece of paper and exchanging them again.  This time look right into his lovely eyes and mean what you say.  Line upon line let it sink deep inside like an iron sheet piercing the side of your belly.  Let it be real.Thought through seriously, these vows are very heavy and as you say them who knows if the feelings will come again and follow your commitment. It may just be a new beginning for the two of you, a kind of being married again experience like the one of being born again. It’s an experience you will never forget. And of course the mark is forever there.  Let your yes be, yes, “I do” as God guides you.  Remember that it’s not by power nor by might but by the Spirit of God.  By the grace of God we can make the vows again and intentionally work hard to keep them. Let the celebrations now begin and yes, have another honeymoon.