THE DOMINANT WOMAN

When I (Barnie) first met Dave and Cathy (not their real names), I couldn’t help notice how much Cathy was in control in their relationship. Cathy seemed to have taken the leadership position in their marriage while Dave was passive and laid back. Many of their friends also expressed their concern over the way Cathy was a tough cookie and how people feared her and really sympathized with Dave. One could clearly see from their relationship that Dave had been sat on by his wife.

Dave’s sweet and gentle nature is what attracted Cathy to him in the first place, but with time she found him to be greatly lacking as a leader in their marriage. She appreciated his good qualities but found herself loosing more and more respect for him because he would not lead. As she became more frustrated, she complained increasingly about the things he was not doing. Dave resented her remarks, though she was nagging, and resisted the changes she sought. She persisted and this resulted in a vicious cycle.

Without realizing it, Cathy was much the problem as Dave was. From the beginning of their relationship, it was her dominant personality that enabled Dave to become passive. Rather than keeping her naturally aggressive and opinionated personality in check, Cathy exploited Dave’s pleasant personality to enhance the exercise of her dominance.

To begin to understand the serious problems a dominant woman faces in marriage, consider this excerpt from an excellent article entitled “Will a Wife respect a husband She can control” by Dr. Marlin Howe.

I have never yet met a woman who respected a man she could control. So, from her innermost soul swells a basic need to disrespect her husband, to find fault with him. I have never yet met a man who truly loved a woman who controlled him. So, from the innermost soul swells a basic need to separate from his wife, to ignore her, to find significance elsewhere. Thus, both spouses are pushing each other away – the wife through fault-finding and the husband through neglect.

You ask, “Why did these two people marry in the first place?” The man in this relationship usually comes from a home where his father was either weak, passive, or remote, and the mother had to wear the pants in the family. Since the boy experienced more of his mother than his father, his emotional system was over mothered. Science discovered that by late teens, the internalization of a person’s identity is complete. So, a boy who internalized a too-high level of care will try to find a wife who will continue that level of mothering.

A dependent boy is highly attractive to an independent girl. They marry. Why? Because his dependence allows her to be in control, responsible, significant, and not vulnerable. In contrast, her independence allows him to remain dependent, irresponsible, vulnerable, and secure. The problem is that this arrangement does not work. In time the wife will become weary of being so responsible, taking leadership, and the husband will become weary of being so controlled. Lacking a sense of masculinity, he will seek to distance himself from his wife. As her husband separates from her, she will feel an inner resentment she is not being loved by him. Feeling the need to be feminine, she will then pursue him. To the degree he pursues he separates – hunting, fishing, working, drinking, fighting, carousing, watching TV, and so forth.

Once her spirit is sufficiently crushed, she will begin to separate herself. Feeling too much distance, her husband will then pursue her. He may promise reform, even the moon, and guarantee the impossible. She is repulsed at his manlessness but does not recognize her womanlessness. If they come together, it is for a brief time. The marital vicious cycle recycles leading to a breakdown in the relationship- a divorce – be it emotional or physical.

And  that is what unfortunately ended up happening with Dave and Cathy. As I write this article, they are no longer together. Next week will look at the most common reasons that a woman becomes dominant and the solutions for them.

ENCOURAGING YOUR MAN

I, Gracie, did it again? What do you think this means? 

The other day, my husband came home stressed up because the deadline had passed for him to hand in an important assignment. His computer was “acting up”.  He had tried to do all that he could but nothing seemed to be working.  The minute he stepped into the house I could tell from the man’s face that something was truly, truly wrong.  I immediately embarked on a journey of straightening my communication skills and said to myself “Daughter of Ahere, watch what you say”.

Like a wonderful wife, I tried making him a cup of tea but this did not go down well.  The man was going through so much and it was becoming more and more obvious.  We tried to make a few phone calls just to try and get the assignment out of the way, but it was one of those days when the computers decided to go on strike.  It got to a point where we had to take a walk from one cyber to another but alas! What we found were closed doors whispering, “Sorry we are closed for the day”. How frustrating this was, now, to both of us.  Humanly speaking, I asked myself why the assignment was not sent earlier (my flesh), but deep down inside my spirit  I knew that my encouragement was more important than knowing the answer to this question.  I said again to myself “Daughter of Ahere, wife of Barnabas, love on and encourage your husband”

Once again, like a wonderful wife, I started encouraging my hubby by telling him that it was not his fault.  I kept telling him “pole” (sorry) for all he was going through and even put my hand on his shoulder.  Well, at the end of all this, we ended up sending the assignment the following day. 

What I did not realize was that through out that evening I was depositing into the love bank.  My husband felt so supported and encouraged.  Infact at the end of the day these were his words, “Honey, thank you for your support and encouragement.”  Wow!  That made me blush. I felt so good about this and it made me feel like doing it again and again aaand again.

One thing stood out for sure in this whole drama, that men need a lot of support and encouragement from their wives especially when they are going through difficult moments. When they take the turns in their lives you need to be there with them holding on tightly like one being carried on a pikipiki going at full speed around a bend. In Genesis we see God made a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. You help your husband a great deal by supporting and encouraging him especially during those tough times, when he has lost his job, or when his boss has made him feel like a dot especially when he has a female boss. 

When was the last time you encouraged your husband? As a wife, you need to be your hubby’s greatest fan. He must know that he is your hero. Woman, your finger is on the trigger of your man’s ego more than anyone else. Of all people, a man wants to hear those encouraging words from his wife. When a husband is encouraged especially by his wife, he can take the whole world down.  He will glow, though he has made mistakes, he will rise up again and go for it. So why not be gracious and do it again whether he notices your encouragement or not.  I can assure you that, though he may say nothing, deep down inside he appreciates it and this makes him feel like a man again. Common Lady you have got what it takes to make that man be all that God made him to be.

THE CAPTIVATING WOMAN!

I recently heard this story of this man who had been twice married and divorced. During his stint in both marriages, he had this concubine that he never left even as he left his wives. However absurd this may appear I was left wondering what it is that this concubine did to this man that he couldn’t leave him even as much as he left his two wives. She must have captivated this man in a very strong way.

The word captivating is quiet a strong one. It means the man is held captive, he has no where to go, in other words he is bound there.  And in a marriage, this should be a good thing. Your man should be held captive because of what he enjoys, just like a man who is captivated by something he is watching on the screen so much so that he cannot be distracted by anything anyone else. That’s how your love for your man should be. One of the wisest men that ever lived, King Solomon advised his son thus -;

 “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may you ever be captivated by her love”.

A great way of captivating your man is by giving him great sex. And for this to happen, you need to make it a priority in your marriage and not an after thought. Great sex is important to your man for these two reasons-;

1. It affirms to him that he can sexually satisfy the woman he married. At the core of this is something really manly about it. Try as we might to push aside “manliness” as a relic from days gone by, the truth is that a man wants to feel like a man. Sadly, in the name of feminism and women’s rights, we too often have stripped men of the God-given qualities and characteristics that celebrate their masculinity. Fulfilling sex gives a man confidence. Your desire for him is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being. Dr. Kevin Leman in his book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage describes this so well-;

“So much of who we are as men is tied up in how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife’s hero. He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest or latest car, he may be losing what little looks he had to begin with, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally put some scratches on his back in the heat of passion, he will still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.”

2. Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired. Most men stray away from their spouses for the simple reason that they don’t feel loved and desired in the way they want to. One man’s eloquent plea captured this perfectly: “I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.

Your lack of desire makes your man feel rejected and when a wife rejects her husband’s need for sex, she is rejecting him because his sexual drive is an essential part of who he is. Whoever said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach may have been right but they missed it by a few inches up. And so ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business at home” a couple times a week, you may be creating your monster.