REKINDLING THE FLAME

One of the things that we keep hearing over and over again among married couples who have been married for a while is “what happened to the good old days”. Men are mainly a major culprit in this when the ladies start asking “Babe, how come nowadays you don’t take me out anymore?”, or, “How come these days you don’t tell me you love me”; “What happened to our date nights?” And if men were to be honest they would ask “How come our sex life is not as sizzling as it used to be?”

You see with time we tend to become too familiar with each other as spouses and start taking each other for granted. We no longer value each other as we did at first and this coupled with the drip drip of juggling job, kids, church obligations, ‘chamas’ and chores makes us drift further apart. We no longer have time for each other and unless something is done the currents of life will sweep us further and further apart. What then can we do in order not to drift apart?

We need to be aware of this tendency and hence deliberately do certain things that will bring us back together. We need to blow the embers, add some dry twigs and add some firewood to rekindle that flame. Be deliberate in scheduling time together with your spouse. Blow away the chaff from your schedule, things that seem “urgent” but are not really important. Identify those things that have been taking your time and hence making you not have time for each other. It may mean reducing your screen time (watching TV and being on the internet), reducing your time with the “boys” or “chama”. It may mean leaving work early or not carrying work home. It may mean helping with the kids’ homework or bathing them and feeding them and getting them to bed early so you can have time for yourselves.

Block off some weekends just for the two of you. Learn to say “NO” to those time snatchers that are taking you away from each other. What do you need to blow away from your schedule in order to have more time for each other? Whatever it is that you need to do, make sure it frees up time so that the two of you can be together. Secondly, after freeing up time to be together, what do you need to do to spark those fires again in your marriage? Is it taking a walk together, going for a hike together this weekend, playing a board game together or just launching on the sofa watching a movie together. Come up with activities that will bring you back together.

Yours for an exciting marriage.

GREAT MARRIAGES JUST DON'T HAPPEN (Part 4)

Someone has said that marriage is easy if only you put in some work. We enter marriage with great expectations which sometimes are unrealistic. We come into marriage with a fairy tale mentality, a happily ever mindset. But the reality of life is that there will always be good times and bad times more like the seasons in life. You just can’t expect that it will always be fun, it will always be summer, winter is on the way. Bad times are inevitable but that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over however bad you feel about each other. What you do during those bad moments is what will determine whether your marriage will grow or not. Use those bad moments to work for you and your marriage by practicing patience, conflict resolution and other relational skills.

Human nature so often wants to focus on the negatives. Why many marriages fail is because we dwell so much in the dark rooms of our marriage developing those negatives. We need to come out of that dark room and focus on positives things. Pay more attention to the things about your partner that you love and you will be surprised how you will start feeling positive about each other again.

Pay attention to your marriage too. So often our marriage relationship is confined in the back banner as we pay more attention to the urgent things that scream for our attention like the kids, our career, that business etc. Don’t let your children, career or social life put you asunder. Don’t even allow your hurts to come in between you. You didn’t get married to a perfect person so they are bound to hurt you from time to time. So learn to forgive each other and to be gracious to each other.

Accept each other in spite of your differences, different personalities, different interests and so on. Allow your partner to be themselves and don’t try cloning them into what you want them to be. Remember you are two individuals who are becoming one in marriage. Becoming one doesn’t meant losing our individuality but rather crafting an interdependent relationship between two whole individuals.

One of the greatest sins in marriage is the sin of assumption. Don’t assume you know why your partner did whatever they did or said whatever they said. Always ask you might just be wrong in your assumption. On the other hand don’t assume that your partner will automatically know what you are going through or are thinking. Never drop hints or say “nothing”. Be open. Say what is in your mind and openly express your feelings without violating your partner’s feelings. Being open and honest is the key to effective communication and the best way to build trust. Be yourself; stop pretending that it’s okay when deep down you are hurting. Accept and love each other for who you are. Don’t be judgmental or critical of your spouse but instead be curious and want to really know. Provide them with a safe environment to pour their hearts and hurts to you.

Learn each others love language and speak it to them. Husbands need to feel respected while wives need to be cherished. Do to each other that which communicates “I love you” in a way that is meaningful to them and not what you think will be meaningful to them. Affirm and appreciate each other. It’s the small things that really matter in marriage, things like “I love you”; “Thank you”; “I’m sorry” those words however small and simple can work magic in your marriage.

Be there for each other. Let your spouse know that no matter what, you will not leave them however bad things are. Let them know your commitment to them and to your marriage. Support each other financially. Work together as a team for two is better than one. Dream together, plan your future together, set goals together and encourage each other.