THE DOMINANT WOMAN

When I (Barnie) first met Dave and Cathy (not their real names), I couldn’t help notice how much Cathy was in control in their relationship. Cathy seemed to have taken the leadership position in their marriage while Dave was passive and laid back. Many of their friends also expressed their concern over the way Cathy was a tough cookie and how people feared her and really sympathized with Dave. One could clearly see from their relationship that Dave had been sat on by his wife.

Dave’s sweet and gentle nature is what attracted Cathy to him in the first place, but with time she found him to be greatly lacking as a leader in their marriage. She appreciated his good qualities but found herself loosing more and more respect for him because he would not lead. As she became more frustrated, she complained increasingly about the things he was not doing. Dave resented her remarks, though she was nagging, and resisted the changes she sought. She persisted and this resulted in a vicious cycle.

Without realizing it, Cathy was much the problem as Dave was. From the beginning of their relationship, it was her dominant personality that enabled Dave to become passive. Rather than keeping her naturally aggressive and opinionated personality in check, Cathy exploited Dave’s pleasant personality to enhance the exercise of her dominance.

To begin to understand the serious problems a dominant woman faces in marriage, consider this excerpt from an excellent article entitled “Will a Wife respect a husband She can control” by Dr. Marlin Howe.

I have never yet met a woman who respected a man she could control. So, from her innermost soul swells a basic need to disrespect her husband, to find fault with him. I have never yet met a man who truly loved a woman who controlled him. So, from the innermost soul swells a basic need to separate from his wife, to ignore her, to find significance elsewhere. Thus, both spouses are pushing each other away – the wife through fault-finding and the husband through neglect.

You ask, “Why did these two people marry in the first place?” The man in this relationship usually comes from a home where his father was either weak, passive, or remote, and the mother had to wear the pants in the family. Since the boy experienced more of his mother than his father, his emotional system was over mothered. Science discovered that by late teens, the internalization of a person’s identity is complete. So, a boy who internalized a too-high level of care will try to find a wife who will continue that level of mothering.

A dependent boy is highly attractive to an independent girl. They marry. Why? Because his dependence allows her to be in control, responsible, significant, and not vulnerable. In contrast, her independence allows him to remain dependent, irresponsible, vulnerable, and secure. The problem is that this arrangement does not work. In time the wife will become weary of being so responsible, taking leadership, and the husband will become weary of being so controlled. Lacking a sense of masculinity, he will seek to distance himself from his wife. As her husband separates from her, she will feel an inner resentment she is not being loved by him. Feeling the need to be feminine, she will then pursue him. To the degree he pursues he separates – hunting, fishing, working, drinking, fighting, carousing, watching TV, and so forth.

Once her spirit is sufficiently crushed, she will begin to separate herself. Feeling too much distance, her husband will then pursue her. He may promise reform, even the moon, and guarantee the impossible. She is repulsed at his manlessness but does not recognize her womanlessness. If they come together, it is for a brief time. The marital vicious cycle recycles leading to a breakdown in the relationship- a divorce – be it emotional or physical.

And  that is what unfortunately ended up happening with Dave and Cathy. As I write this article, they are no longer together. Next week will look at the most common reasons that a woman becomes dominant and the solutions for them.