NO GRUDGES PART IV

On this part of the series NO GRUDGES, we want to talk about a topic that is so often misunderstood and yet is very vital to ensure that we don't have grudges in our marriage. And that is forgiveness. Let us start by clarifying what forgiveness is by defining first what it is not.

Forgiveness is NOT, -

Forgetting - this where most of us struggle with forgiveness because we have been made to feel or think that forgiveness means I completely forget what my spouse did to me however painful it is. No, when we forgive someone according to Lewis Smedesin his book Forgive and Forget, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgiveness came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come with a violin. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive preciously because you have not forgotten what someone did. 

Easy, it takes a lot of grace to forgive someone who has hurt you especially your spouse. Forgiveness may be difficult, but it is never impossible in God's strength. It takes a lot of effort and dying to ourselves to forgive.

A feeling, you will or may never feel like forgiving your spouse. It's an act of the will, its a choice that you make and even after making that choice to forgive you may still not feel like it. So don't wait until you feel like it, choose to forgive and you know what? your feelings will soon follow albeit reluctantly.

Pretending that nothing happened then wishing it away. We must accept and admit that yes we were hurt, that thing actually happened but I choose to forgive.

Excusing the wrong or belittling it.

An event but a process. Just like we were recently reminded by our supreme court, an election is not an event, it is a process, and so is forgiveness. Yes it starts with making that choice but continues as you continue to talk and process what it is that offended you. We forgive in layers as someone rightly put it. 

So what is forgiveness? What does it look like? Don't miss our next blog as we look into what forgiveness looks like. 

NO GRUDGES PART III

On our last blog we began talking about Self regulation. Self regulation is all about managing your emotions as this is where so often end up hurting our spouse. Self regulation has got to do with dealing with our anger, watching our reaction to our spouse pressing the button in our lives. And we do this by checking our self talk, what we tell ourselves when we are hurt, disappointed or frustrated but so often is not true. What we tell ourselves stirs up certain emotions in us that lead to certain behaviors that hurt our marriage.

On this blog we want to go beyond just the self awareness to action. After becoming aware of your feelings and where they are coming from, what do you do? First is to begin to change your self talk. Catch yourself whenever you start telling yourself those negative things that stir up those emotions that leads to that behavior that is ruining your marriage. Ask yourself is this the truth? Are they always like this? Have they never done this and that for me? What about that time when they said or did this and that to me? What about that time when they were so nice to me? How did that make you feel? As you begin to counter your thoughts with those good memories you will find your emotions changing being transformed from fear to love resulting in good behavior towards your spouse.

Secondly, instead of being judgmental you will become compassionate towards them. You will empathize with them so that instead of wanting to punish them and revenge you end up forgiving them and reaching out to them. That is how we can turn a potentially dangerous situation into a an opportunity to get to know each other better and thus become intimate with each other in marriage.