MARRIAGE SOLUTIONS

"You need to talk to my husband", Jane said as she sat across Grace and I on the other side of the table. "He is not talking and I feel like I’m the one who has to make all the decisions in our marriage. Where is the head? Why can’t he provide leadership in the home?”  Jane cried. Tony who had all along been sitting quietly next to her looking intently at her retorted, “How can I talk to someone who is constantly shouting at me.”  “Jane does not respect me, when I tell her that I’m going to do something, she feels that I’m just buying time and that I won’t do it”, Tony added.

Obviously this couple was in serious conflict. As we continued with our conversations it was clear that Jane was comparing her husband Tony with her Dad who was a go-getter and who ruled his family with an iron-hand. Tony on the other hand was this laid back kind of guy who didn’t seem to be moved by anything. He was quite the opposite of Jane’s Dad and by extension of Jane herself.

Tony on the other hand had through the years in marriage because of Jane’s personality, let Jane run their home and relationship. It was kind of reversed roles with Jane taking the leadership and Tony following. Obviously Tony wasn’t happy with this situation but seemed helpless in what to do. The more Jane longed for him to rise up and provide leadership in the home, the more Tony recoiled back into his cave thus creating this vicious cycle. 

What Tony and Jane don't realize is that-;

1. They are two very different personalities and what initially attracted them to each other (as opposites attract) was what was causing them to attack each other now.

2. Jane was comparing her husband Tony with her Dad. This is one of the most common mistakes many couples make in marriage, comparing their spouse to their favorite Parent.

3. By being forceful and demanding, Jane was pushing Tony back into his shell instead of bringing out the leader she wanted to see in him.

4. Tony had allowed Jane to take leadership because of his passivity thus causing Jane to be frustrated. The most important thing a man should provide for his family and especially his wife is leadership. Women feel secure in the relationship as the man takes his place of leadership in the home. 

PINK Versus BLUE

It always amazes us how men and women are so different and these differences play out during a conflict. The woman complains how her man is so withdrawn and cares for nothing but his job not realizing that the man is wired to provide materially for their family and that he derives his identity and self-worth from what he does.

According to Anastasia Toufexis, when men try to kill themselves, it is commonly out of an injured sense of pride or competence, often related to work. On the other hand, when women attempt suicide, it is usually because of failures involving lovers, family, or friends. Understanding these fundamental differences can help a couple realize what this means to each other and thus try to be sensitive enough when dealing with issues affecting these areas of each others lives?

For example, a wife must approach the issue of the man’s job with a lot of sensitivity, first acknowledging and affirming her man for his competence and hard work. Appreciate his efforts to provide for the family and shower him with her admiration. Pay attention to what he does by developing an interest in his job. By so doing she becomes a great friend to him.

On the other hand, the man must realize his wife’s relational needs. He must work hard to develop a healthy work/life balance. He must be willing to sometimes sacrifice his work for his wife and family. When your wife sees you making that effort, sacrificing to be with her and the kids, she will be more understanding during those seasons when you must put in more hours to see that project accomplished. 

What do you think? Let's interact.

Focus on your circle of influence

This week (Tuesday 26th) Grace and I celebrate our 19 years of marriage.To be married to the same woman lo these many years is a great achievement for a guy like me. And to be married to only one woman for that matter is even a greater miracle. To God be the glory great things He has done especially in my life.

One crucial lesson that we have learned over those 19 years is take control of that which only we can take control of. I have learned that I have absolutely no control over how Grace will act or react in a moment of conflict but I have complete control over what my reaction will be. Instead of accusing her of making me mad I have realized that she simply pressed the wrong, or is it the right button and ‘boom!’ I went crazy and said some nasty things that I shouldn’t have.

According to Steve Covey in his book 7 habits of highly effective people, proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of influence, things that they have control over while Reactive people focus their efforts on the circle of concern (things they have no control over or have very little control over) which results in blaming accusing attitudes. No wonder many couples spend their entire marriage life blaming and accusing each other thus the two never becoming one. 

Join us in our next School of Marriage SoMa class starting 3rd September, for more details call Grace on 0729-237766.

SHARED EXPERIENCES

Last weekend we had a graduation class for our School of Marriage class. An 8 week program that is geared towards helping married couples successfully navigate the conflict stage of their relationship by understanding each other in a deeper way. Our Coach trainer Dr. Les Brickman, who was our Chief Guest spoke of two important things that he believes, contributes to the two becoming one and remaining one in marriage.

First he talked of the importance of shared experiences. When husband and wife share certain experiences together, it goes a long way in cementing their relationship. These shared experiences can be simple things like having meals together, praying together, going to Church together, being involved with each other and in each others professions and hobbies. Talking and asking about each others jobs, getting to know what they are experiencing at work can be a very powerful shared experience.

Shared experiences can be the high times in your marriage like a vacation abroad together or some painful experiences like going through a loss in the family. Whichever way, let it be something that bonds you together even the more. Plan doing things together as this produces togetherness and shared memories. Grace and I work together, we do our conferences together and also love to relax and watch a good movie together. These shared experiences have drawn us more closer than anything else.

Women are more naturally inclined to want to share their experiences with their husbands but for the men it doesn’t come naturally. We must consciously make the effort, be intentional in allowing our wives into our lives for that shared experience to be realized.

Next week we will look at the second thing that Les talked about. Check out our graduation photos on our Two Ships Facebook page.

MARRIAGE LESSONS FROM MOUNT LONGONOT

Last weekend I went with a team of men who are finishing our men of purpose program to climb Mount Longonot. It was ten years since I last dared this and I must say it was very challenging. My muscles are still recovering from the effects of that. What a joy it was seeing all of us plus the other groups who were out there accomplish this feat. There were shouts of joy, sighs of relieve and most of all a deep sense of accomplishment.

Looking back at that experience, I learned several valuable lessons that apply to our marriage relationship. First, just like climbing Mount Longonot, the marriage relationship is a very challenging one. Several times on my way up I was tempted to give up especially climbing those very steep terrains but I’m glad I didn’t. How many couples have given up on their relationship just because of a rough patch when if only they endured it would have propelled them to the next level of their relationship?

Secondly, I realized how important the support of others is. If I was alone I would have probably given up halfway. But because of the others support, I made. In marriage as husband and wife, we need each others support. We should be each others number one cheer leader offering them all the support they need especially in those difficult moments.

Finally, we need to slow down for the sake of the slower one. Someone has aptly put it that if you walk alone, you will walk fast, but if you walk with others you will walk far. And far I walked as I scaled the mountain as I slowed down for others. We can only go far in our relationship if we will be patient enough with each other slowing down for their sake.