He's Conference

This past Friday we were privileged to speak on relationships at one of the workshops at the Citam's He's conference. We had over two thousand men present over there, young and old, married and single. I, Gracie, was the only lady in the room and I must confess I felt overwhelmed. They kept referring to me as "Daniel in the den of Lions".

As Daniel in the Lion's den, I was able to share with this men why we as women want to share with them heart to heart. Why it is important that they launch into the deep with us as that is where we connect with them. Intimacy is not just about sex. We are not interested in shallow and superficial relationships. We shared with them about the CSI of relationships and the importance of them willing to risk and come over with us into the deep waters of meaningful relationship. Deep calls for deep and that is what intimacy is all about.

Then, I, Barnie, identifying with my fellow male species (whose mouths at this time were shut),  helped them realize what blessings we often miss because of our fears. Because of the fear of rejection, fear of failure, or fear of losing control, fear of the unknown, we remain stuck in the shallow waters of relationships. We fear to be vulnerable, to open up ourselves and allow our partners to come into us and see what's in there. That is what intimacy is all about.

Caring enough to share our deepest fears and needs, and sharing openly in a safe environment in order to become intimate is what we referred to us the CSI of relationships. For us to enjoy this depth of relationship in marriage, we as wives must provide a safe environment for our men to open up and be themselves. That safety is the enabling environment for that kind of relationship.

WHAT IT TAKES FOR A DEEP RELATIONSHIP.

 

A lot of people are afraid of deep relationships because of the fear of the unknown.  When I trust you with the knowledge about who I am and what I am, I am risking myself to you. I want to trust you to accept me and anything I share with you. You could reject me, or make fun of me, or be confused about me. It will be risky, but it will be the only way to develop a deep relationship between us.

We fear to be hurt again. When you risk yourself to others, you become vulnerable. The Latin root of “vulnerable,” means “to wound.” To become vulnerable means to be susceptible to injury, to be exposed to criticism; and this can hurt. In fact many of us have been hurt in the past when we became vulnerable and without knowing, vowed to ourselves that we would never trust again.  But it’s a risk worth taking. “Jump in”, you will never overcome the fear of closeness until you take your “leap into the dark” so to speak.

Protecting our hearts from hurt, by locking them “safely in the coffin of selfishness” will keep them from being broken, but it will also change them. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The problem is that we too often make choice to be vulnerable or not by considering the negative consequences that might result from being vulnerable rather than thinking about the positive implications it has to our psychological well-being. That’s the risk we take.

Join my wife and I as we speak during the Citam's He's ministry this Friday between 2:15 and 5:00pm. All you men are invited. Will be talking on Relationships.

BEHAVE YOURSELF INTO A BETTER MARRIAGE

A story is told by Pastor George Crane about a woman who came to see him in his office one day so angry at her husband that she wanted not only to divorce him, but cause him pain as well. Dr. Crane said to her, “Go home and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him (talk of faking it till you make it). After you have convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bombshell. Tell him that you are getting a divorce. That will really hurt him.”

The woman thought that was a brilliant idea, so she set out to totally convince her husband that she deeply, sincerely, completely loved him. Every day, she did everything she could think of to make him believe it. But by the time several months had passed, she was astonished to suddenly realize that she really did love him. She had actually behaved her way back into loving him.

The lesson from the story is this: If you are not a caring person now – but you desire to be a caring person – then go out and behave in caring ways. If you are not a …loving wife – but desire to be one – then go out and behave in a loving way. You see, a shift in doing, a behavior shift, will actually change the way you see and think and this change in perspective will improve your relationship with your husband. You will be amazed at how a change in your behavior might bring about that change in your husband’s behavior that you have always wanted.

WHY MEN ALSO NEED "CHAMAS"

WHY MEN ALSO NEED "CHAMAS"

Last night I had an awesome time with a group of men that I meet with every week. They are my “four crazy” friends, men who I know can stand with me and support me. Men I can share anything with, be it my financial struggles, struggles in my relationship with my wife and children, work related problems or even my sexual problems. These are men with whom I feel safe to bare myself with.

You see most of us men walk around in masks, trying to pretend that we are tough, we are macho men with our six pack. But deep inside, we are scared boys, like Adam hiding behind fig leaves because we are ashamed. We try to cover up for our shortcomings by our performance, appearance or status. But deep inside we are crying for someone to help us. Unfortunately our wives can't, because we are trying to hide ourselves even from them. In fact its because of this hiding that we have closed ourselves to them and they are bearing the brunt of our issues.

It is only as we bare ourselves to fellow men that we can truly find ourselves.  Men with whom we can become naked and yet not be ashamed. As John Eldredge, author of the book wild at heart,  recounts, so much healing took place in my life through my friendship with Brent. We spent a lot of time together. Just spending time with a man I truly respected, a real man who loved and respected me – nothing heals quite like that. At first I feared that I was fooling him, that he’d see through it any day and drop me. But he didn’t, and what happened instead was validation. My heart knew that if a man I know is a man thinks I’m one, too, well then; maybe I am one after all.

Remember--- masculinity is bestowed by masculinity.

"I HAVE NO MAN" - Part 2

“For years, I was a driven man. I demanded a lot of myself and of those who worked for me. My wife didn’t like to call me at work, for as she said, “You have your work voice on”. In other words your fig leaf is showing.  All that swaggering and supposed confidence and hard charging came out of fear – the fear that if I didn’t, I would be revealed to be less than a man. Never let down, never drop your guard, give 150 percent,” says John Elderedge in his book wild at heart.

According to him, achievers are a socially acceptable form of violent men, overdoing it in one way or another. Their casualties tend to be their marriages, their families, and their health or even spiritual life. These are things that have paralyzed and destroyed many men through the centuries. They are hiding behind their masks for fear of being known for who they really are.

Outwardly like John, they seem to be doing well. But deep inside, they are struggling. They are afraid, they don't know who to talk to. Let me ask you man, who do you talk to when you are struggling with sexual temptation. Whom do you go to when the money you invested has been washed down the drain, or when you get the news that you are one of those who are going to be laid off from your place of work? Who do you go to young man when you are struggling with masturbation?

We as men need each other now more than ever before. We need to keep the company of men who can hold us accountable in all areas of our lives, men we can confide in, men we can share our fears and struggles with. People we feel safe with to remove our masks and allow into our lives to see us as we really are.Do you have that kind of men or man?

SoMa

It is finally here, the long awaited School of marriage (SoMa) begins next week, October 17th at 6pm. The program will be running for the next eight weeks with classes every Wednesdays from 6-8pm. If you want to be a part of this class please get in touch with us by Monday October 15th. 

Call Grace on 0729-237766 for more information.