Saving your Marriage

My wife and I have just returned from a life changing trip to South Africa. What a wonderful time we had visiting several places, reconnecting with friends in SA and enjoying each others company as we celebrated in advance our 16th wedding anniversary.

One of the experiences I had there was how to drive with the aid of a GPRS. This technology is life changing and even for a stranger like me It made it easy for me driving and getting around in unfamiliar territory. Like there was this time my wife and I together with our best couple were driving to Cape Point, which happens to be the southern most tip of Africa, Steve (my best man) was tired so he asked me to drive. He then set up the GPRS from his phone and begun to show me how helpful this gadget was. As I began listening to the female voice in the GPRS give me instructions on where to turn and which direction to take, Steve's wife Faith, seating in the rear with my wife, said something that really tickled us. This is what she said,"That is the only lady men listen to for directions".

This was very funny yet so very true. How many times have I been lost somewhere and wanting to be the man that I should be, I kept going round and round in cycles refusing to admit that, yes, I'm lost and refusing to heed my sweet wife's suggestion that I ask for help. Instead I get more worked up as am already frustrated by my helpless situation and continue driving in the wrong direction. Her seeking to help me by giving me ideas and suggestions on what I should do or not do doesn't help but rather worsens the situation.

I used to think I'm the only man who suffered from this disease but in walking with many couples I have come to find to my comfort that it's a common problem with men. It's every man's disease and every woman's headache.

Many a women like my wife have also suffered many rounds of futility when if only the men had listened to them like the way I listened to the female voice in the GPRS, both time and money would have been saved not to mention the marriage itself. So why is this problem so prevelant in many marriages?

It's once again because of the lack of understanding our different languages as men and women. Just like when a woman is stressed, she releases it by talking and pouring her heart to her husband. By so doing, she is not looking for a solution to her problem but rather wanting her man to feel with her. The worst mistake a man can make in such situations is to try to offer her solutions instead of just listening to her with empathy.

Similary, when a man finds himself lost or in unfamiliar territory, they become frustrated and the last thing they need then is unsolicited advice from their wife. This is why, though meaning well, when you as a woman begins to tell your husband what he needs to do he gets upset. Remember you are not the female voice on the GPRS, so you need a lot of wisdom and understanding to help him out of his predicament. At best keep quiet and let him be as you pray for him to come to his senses. If you have to speak, be positive, start by encouraging and affirming him before you asking him if there is a new route to where you are going.

And yes men, please humble yourself and accept for once that you are lost. Or let me put it in a nice way, you are not lost but must have just missed the turning, know what I mean men?

EAST MEETS WEST IN MARRIAGE

My wife and I are currently enjoying ourselves in Cape Town. We are visiting with some friends of ours who relocated here some thirteen years ago. They were actually our best couple in our wedding almost sixteen years ago. We were both looking forward for this reunion as it had been eight years since we were last together, at least for my wife.

Steve and Faith were so excited by our coming here. They had prepared everything for this visit and when we landed here we both were excited to see each other. One of the things they shared with us which were funny then though obviously wasn’t when it happened was a disagreement they had just before our arrival at their home. Steve had agreed to pick up Faith from the house so that they would come and pick us up from the Airport. So Steve finished off everything he had to do and came home for Faith. He found her not ready and this greatly upset him as time was running out. Steve was getting impatient as our flight was to land anytime now at the Airport.

Steve’s greatest worry was that Grace (my wife) and I would clear our luggage and come out to the waiting area to no great welcome as he would have wanted us to have. Faith on the other hand had taken most of her morning cleaning and preparing the house as she wanted her friend Grace to find a clean house, especially knowing how my wife had a penchant for cleanliness. Thus this was the cause of what we call a “dome”, domestic war that was only cooled by their making it just in time to receive us warmly as we came out into the arrival area.  

As they shared with us their story, my wife and I couldn’t help laughing as this was a familiar scene being played before our eyes. We could identify with them as we too have had such wars many a times and so have the many couples that we have counseled with. It’s amazing how many times couples have a conflict because of such things and sad to say that some end up even going their separate ways just because of such small issues.

The issue here was basically one of a difference in perspective. Men and Women view things from different perspectives. You ask me why and the answer is simple, it’s because God made them male and female. This difference in gender is a major cause of problem in many marriages. They say that men think blue and ladies pink. And I hasten to add, men think blue and ladies feel pink as men use logic while women feel, they are more intuitive.

And so many times in marriage, it’s not a matter of whose right and who’s wrong. It’s just a matter of which side you are looking at it from. The sooner we begin to learn this lesson and understand the other gender; half of our marital issues will be solved. As I normally say, different isn’t bad, it’s just different. Thus instead of fighting over our differences we should capitalize on these differences and make the most of each other’s perspective. After all marriage is a process of becoming one, and unity is not uniformity. Yes there can be unity in diversity contrary to what many people think.

Both Steve and Faith had our good in mind. They both desired for us to receive a wonderful welcome when we arrived. They both were thinking of us. For Steve, that meant them being there in time to receive us as we arrived while for Faith it meant us finding a clean environment to live in. Both were right just different approaches.