TRUST ISSUES

When you hear the term trust issues, what comes to your mind? As a Marriage and Relationship Coach what comes to my mind is a spouse who is suspicious of their partner because of his or her funny behaviors like suddenly having many passwords in their phone or going to the loo with their phone. It is normally those situations where one partner has been busted and the relationship is now in turmoil as a result of that. But recently I came across something that broadened my mind on this issue of trust. I have been reading again Pat Lencioni’s five dysfunctions of a Team and it is in my reading that I came across this statement by Kathryn the CEO,

“So you don’t agree on most things, and yet you don’t seem willing to admit that you have concerns, that’s a trust issue,”

From the statement above, it is very clear that failure to open up and willingly express our concerns and opinions is a trust issue. Yet there are many couples who will not dare venture into those deep waters in their relationships for fear of rocking the boat. So even if they don’t agree with their spouse, they keep their feelings, thoughts, and concerns to themselves because they don’t want to stir up a conflict. On the outside their relationship looks okay but inside there’s a lot of mistrust. This robs them the opportunity of getting more intimate in their relationship leaving them very vulnerable to outside temptation.

Trust, Honesty and Intimacy are all intertwined. When there’s no trust, we are not honest with each other and when we are not honest with each other we cannot become intimate. The scriptures say that both the man and the woman were naked yet not ashamed. Unfortunately in most relationships, even between buddies and gal-friends, we aren’t naked with each other. As a result we have superficial relationships and that’s not what relationships especially those significant relationships were meant to be. So next time you hear of trust issues, don’t just think of someone cheating on their partner, am I willing to be naked in this relationship? “What don’t I feel free to share with my spouse?” Then ask yourself a further question, “Why am I afraid to do so?”

NO MORE EXCUSES

NO MORE EXCUSES

There’s a very interesting story in the Bible of how God called Moses to go and deliver his people out of slavery in Egypt. The Israelites had been slaves in Egypt by this time for about 400 years. Moses was born a Jew but brought up in Pharaoh’s palace as a son of Pharaoh’s daughter. But one day he finds an Egyptian mistreating his fellow Jew and kills this Egyptian. When he is scared that he will be found out, he flees the country and seeks exile in the wilderness. 

He has been living here for now about 40 years in exile when God approaches him to go and lead the Israelites out of their misery in Egypt. Moses is at a point in his life when he is no longer sure of himself. God tries to assure him and that He will be with him but Moses is still second guessing himself. So he tries to wiggle himself out of this assignment by saying that the people will not believe him when he tells them that it is the LORD who has sent him. Even after God showing Moses a couple of miracles, Moses comes up with another excuse, I’m not eloquent and asks God to send someone else.

Like Moses, we are always full of excuses in life. As someone aptly put it, we may have 1000 excuses of not doing something and not one reason at all. You see all the things people mention that are hindering them from getting a job, succeeding in their studies, making more money or even succeeding in their relationships are mere excuses. Excuses are what keeps us from realizing our goals in life. There are many reasons why we make excuses. Some common reasons why we do so are, fear, limiting beliefs, avoiding discomfort, or simply because we don’t want to do it. 

We fear failure so we don’t attempt to make things right with our spouse. As guys, we sometimes fear appearing like we are sat on by our wives or girlfriends so we don’t do some of those things that could really change our relationship. We fear being told no, so we don’t approach that lady if you are single or ask your wife for sex for those married. Sometimes it’s our limiting beliefs, beliefs such as it’s only loose women who initiate sex, so you don’t do it in your marriage. Or limiting beliefs that simply because a woman earns more than you she will despise you. Dealing with conflict in relationships is not a comfortable thing so to avoid the discomfort of trying to resolve that conflict we look for all manners of excuses to come home late. As a result of making excuses we hurt our relationships.

 The answer is not to stop making excuses, but to rather raise our self awareness and to be honest with ourselves. We need to change what we say or tell ourselves and overcome our fears. Research shows that while it can become a habit to make excuses, even a short pause can be enough to catch yourself, focus on the outcomes we want instead of avoiding our fears and discomfort. Changing our excuses can be challenging as it involves facing our deepest selves. But it is only in facing our Giants that we can truly overcome those internal obstacles that stand on our way  of succeeding be it in our careers, our personal lives or even our relationships.

F-E-A-R HAS TWO MEANINGS: 

Forget Everything And Run 

                OR 

Face Everything And Rise. 

The choice is yours.

12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

7. TRUSTING YOUR "FEELINGS" MORE THAN YOUR COMMITMENT

Today the world woke up to the shock news of the passing away of an icon, Barbara Pierce Bush who died at the age of 92. Barbara Bush will go down in history as the wife and mother to 2 US Presidents not a mean achievement by all means. The only other woman to have achieved that was the wife of Quincy Adams the 2^nd President of the US whose son later on also became POTUS.

But more than that achievement, the other record that Barbara and her husband George Herbert Walker Bush I have set is that the couple held the title for the longest presidential marriage in American history, beating John and Abigail Adam’s 54-year union in 2000. They got married when he was 20 and she was 19 on January 6, 1945 and lived "happily-ever after" for 73 years until her death yesterday. Her husband was right there by her bed holding her hand as she passed on.

In a day and age when marriages are falling apart so easily, it is people like George and Barbara Bush that inspire Grace and I to keep going and prove to the world that marriage works. But what is the secret of such longevity in marriage? It is the realization that you made a commitment to each other till death do you part. Couples like the Bushes have discovered that love is a commitment not just a feeling. Their commitment to each other perseveres regardless of what they are feeling. According to Dave Willis author of 12 habits that lead to divorce, “the strength of such a commitment allows us to have a deeper intimacy, a stronger connection and a happier marriage.”

Of course there definitely were days when either George or Barbara “felt” like being married, but there were also  days that they felt why did I marry this man or woman. There is a possibility that they also felt for other people but didn't let those feelings steer them away from their commitment to each other. You see friends, feelings are fickle and they were never intended to be our primary reason of being and remaining together in marriage.

12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

6. MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR SPOUSE

This week I, Barnie, made a decision that cost me dearly. I actually lost some tidy sum of money in the process and I was very disappointed with myself. I called Grace to tell her what had just happened and I could feel the disappointment on her side. But when I got home she received me very well and really encouraged me and helped me pick myself up and move on from where I was. It is definitely not good for a man to be alone and man, wasn't I glad that I had someone who not only understood me but was also so gracious to me in my error.

That brings us to the 6th habit that will destroy your marriage, MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR SPOUSE. According to Dave Willis, "Our pride can often convince us that we don’t have to answer to anyone, and we should be able to make decisions without consulting anyone. Pride has been the downfall of so many marriages. The healthiest couples have learned that EVERY decision they make as individuals will have some level of impact on each other, so they respectfully and thoughtfully consult each other in every decision."

We couldn't agree with Davis more, whatever decision you make as an individual impacts on your partner. What started off as a small thing ended up a big one and my lesson from all this is that it is important to consult and make decisions together as husband and wife. Even in matters that sometimes you feel your partner isn't well versed in, it's just important to include them and make them a part of the decision making process. Two are always better than one for had I roped Grace in on this, knowing Grace very well, I would not have ended up where I found myself.

12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

5. Trying to Change Each Other

I don't know about you, but there are times when I feel that this marriage would just be nice if it weren't for my wife Grace. If only she would not be as particular as she always is, if only she would not be too conscientious, if only she would let it be and the list goes on and on. In our twenty three years of marriage I have tried hard to change Grace to my image in vain. It has been the most frustrating thing as each time I embark on this mission of trying to change her, I've been met with a lot of resistance. She has resisted like NASA was asking us to do.

Similarly Grace has also tried changing me into her image of a husband without success in some areas. She has ended up getting frustrated as a result of trying to change this rigid husband of hers. Many couples make the same mistake as each one tries to change the other into the person they want them to be. We all have come to the conclusion that it is a mission impossible. Only God can change us and as long as we make it our JD (Job Description) to change our spouse we are bound to not only fail, but end up getting frustrated.

According to Dave Willis, author of 12 habits that lead to divorce, when you try to “change” your spouse, you will BOTH end up frustrated. As you’ve probably learned already, you can’t change each other; you can only love each other. The only part of the marriage you have the power to change is the part you see when you look in the mirror. Be willing to change your responses to your spouse’s behavior. Look for ways to love and serve each other even when you have differences of perspective or preference. You’ll both probably end up “changing” for the better in the process.

THE 12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

4. Putting the Marriage “On Hold” While Raising Kids

We once attended a marriage get together and when the ladies were asked the question “who is more important, your husband or your kids?” most of the ladies answered my kids. Some ladies will not dare say this as they will want to give a politically correct answer, but deep down inside they believe that their kids are more important than their husband. In dealing with husbands whose wives have decided to leave them and left with the children, it is always very clear that what most of them are really after is their children and not their hurting spouse. In fact many ladies in those situations are always suspicious that the only reason the man is seeking reconciliation is because he wants his children back.

Dave Willis in his article 12 habits leading to divorce states that “I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart because two well-meaning people put so much focus on their kids that they forgot to keep investing in the marriage. Some couples reduce their relationship to a partnership in co-parenting, and when the kids finally grow up; they discover that they have created an empty nest and an empty marriage. Give your children the gift that comes from seeing their parents in a loving, thriving marriage. Model the kind of marriage that will make your kids excited to be married someday.”

We couldn’t put it any better. You see husband and wife; children are not the reason for marriage they are a product of it. The only covenant one makes is with their spouse not their children nor with their parent. Children will grow up and leave you but your spouse is there to stay. What happens when the children leave? If you don’t work on and prioritize your relationship as husband and wife now, when the children are gone you will wake up to the reality that you are only two strangers putting up together. It will be too late then to start working on your relationship.

So don’t put your marriage on hold just because of the children, let the children know in words and in deeds that your relationship, your spouse comes first before them. If you were to chose between your kids and your spouse you would chose your spouse just like one day they will chose their spouse before you. Guys remember the best thing you can do for those kids is to love their mother, and the best thing lady you can do for your kids, is to admire and respect their Dad.

ARE YOU SERVING YOUR SPOUSE "LEFTOVERS"?

Nobody likes to eat “leftovers”, we all love and look forward to that freshly made ugali or those hot chapos from the pan. But unfortunately in marriage, we usually serve each other leftovers. What do I mean by that? Now I'm not talking about real food here but how we treat each other as husband and wife.

We so often give our employer, our Church fellowship and the boys or girls our best time and energies reserving very little or no energy for our spouse. As husbands by the time we get home we are totally zoned out that we cannot engage our wives in any meaningful conversation. Wives on the other hand can give themselves to others, the visitors who came calling or the children, that by the time they are going to bed they are totally maxed out giving their hubbies a raw deal in bed.

According to Dave Willis author of the 12 habits that lead to Divorce, “Some couples have what I call a “cable company marriage.” Have you ever noticed how Cable TV companies seem to give you their very best deals and service at the beginning of the relationship but then after the “introductory period” ends, they give you as little as possible to still keep you around? Some married couples were great at giving their best at the beginning of the relationship, but as time goes on, they start giving the leftovers."

As married couples, why don’t we strive to keep giving our best to each other even beyond this Valentine period. Let’s come up with creative ideas that will keep the fire burning in our marriages (in fact let us hear some ideas from you that might help us and other couples keep the fire burning). Then let's be deliberate in ensuring that each day or week or month we implement those ideas in our marriage. Remember that it is important those things be focused on your spouse, what they love and find exciting? What they have wished for or are yearning for.

Let us go back to our first love, remember that first date, that first kiss, how you used to go out together, how sex was something you looked forward to. May we develop a habit of preparing a fresh meal for each other and quit giving each other leftovers this month. 

THE 12 HABITS THAT LEAD TO DIVORCE (Part II)

2. Constant Criticism

When you get a warning light on your car’s dashboard, it means there’s something wrong under the hood that needs immediate attention. According to Dave Willis, “One of the biggest “warning lights” in a marriage is a tone of constant criticism. When a husband and wife start being each other’s biggest critics instead of the biggest encouragers and when they start focusing only on the negative instead of the positive, it creates a downward spiral that often leads to divorce”.

Grace and I have found ourselves sometimes focusing only on the negative, what she didn’t do or what I always do wrong instead of focusing on each other’s positives. Those of us who are old school are familiar with the word “negatives”. Remember how photography was before the digital age? We used to take pictures with a camera but you would not get the image immediately. One had to wait for the negative to be developed. This was a film like thing that had to be kept in the dark and developed with some chemicals in order to get the image. Similarly in marriage, we get to the place of constant criticism when we spend most of our time in the dark room developing negatives about each other.

So how do we overcome this habit? We must intentionally and deliberately catch ourselves “developing those negatives” about each other. Instead start countering them by noting all the positive attributes of your spouse. Of course of all those nine things that they did or are doing wrong, there must be at least one thing that they did right or are good at. Focus a little bit on who they are, or what attracted you to them in the first place. If you look critically, you won’t miss something nice about them. Here is what you can join me in doing for the next 21 days this month. Each day write down one thing that you really appreciate about your spouse. Describe why you appreciate them for that thing. Don’t share it with them until at the end of the exercise.

When done present them with your findings and you will be surprised at how happy and grateful they will be. Not just for them, but you will be surprised at how your attitude toward them will change. And you know what, you will have changed a bad habit, that of constantly complaining and criticizing them to one of appreciating them. After all they say that to change a habit you need to do something consistently for at least 21 days. When we constantly criticize our spouse, we devalue them but when we begin to appreciate them they do just that, they appreciate not depreciate in our eyes. Here’s to you for a happy marriage.

The 12 habits that lead to divorce

Happy New Year friends, it’s yet another year and as we begin the year many people are busy planning and setting goals for the year. In the midst of all the planning and goal setting we wonder how many couples have taken time to think and plan about their relationship.

At the beginning of 2011, the NAIROBIAN had this very interesting headline, “Will your Marriage survive in 2011?” The article went on to elaborate how many marriages were breaking down in the city due to the current trends and stress of city life. To answer this question, we found this article by Dave Willis on “The 12 habits that lead to divorce” a timely solution to the marriage crisis we are facing. We will share with you one habit each week in an attempt to help us not only ensure that our marriage survives in 2018 and beyond but actually thrives. If you find yourself a culprit to any one of these habits, don’t be condemned but please ensure that you come up with some action plans to change that habit in 2018.

Here are the 12 habits-;

1. Holding Grudges and “Keeping Score”

Dave Willis says that “If you’ve been married longer than 15 minutes, chances are good that your spouse has done something to offend you and you’ve done something to offend him/her. When our words or actions cause harm, we need to be quick to admit fault and seek forgiveness. When your spouse has wronged you, you need to offer grace quickly so that trust can start being rebuilt and there’s no room for bitterness to take root in your heart. Don’t use past hurts as ammunition in arguments. Let grace flow freely in your marriage. No marriage can survive without it”.

Dave is absolutely right, in our experience working with married couples we have seen how this can affect and kill a marriage. Last year the International Christian Centre Church invited us to speak on the subject “NO GRUDGES”, and we were amazed just preparing for those speaking engagements and from the reactions thereafter at how much grudge we have with each other as spouses. We have not fully understood and embraced the whole idea of forgiveness. We want to hold on the grudge and “keep score”. Revenge is sweat to our carnal nature, we want to punish our spouse foe what they did to us.

Granted we have been hurt, and we may feel our spouse deserves to suffer for it. But what we fail to realize is that in not forgiving and allowing bitterness to take root in our hearts, we are only hurting and killing ourselves not just our spouse. So as we begin the year, why don’t you determine in your heart and actually forgive your spouse for the wrong they did you. Be specific tell them what it is you are forgiving them for. Forgiveness is an act of grace, a gift of love, your spouse can’t work for it, your spouse can’t earn it neither can they perfect their performance in order to deserve it. Grace is simply a gift, why don’t you start the year by giving your spouse that gift!

You know what, it takes two to tango, or tangle, you too may have hurt them by the way you reacted to them or for what made them do what they did to you. Why don’t you ask them for forgiveness by -;

·         admitting that yes “I was wrong, I’m sorry”,

·         committing not to hurt them like that again “I don’t want to hurt you like this again”

·         requesting them to forgive you “Will you forgive me?”