IS YOUR WELL DEEP OR DEPLETED?

With the scarcity of water in the city, many real estate owners have been left with no choice but to sink bore-holes to supplement the supply of water to their customers. In the rural areas and in the ancient days wells were a common source of water for many communities. The deeper the well the better was the water supply. Our energy levels are like a well, the deeper they are the healthier is our lives after all water is life, and the better our lives the more productive are both at a personal and professional level.

Several years ago I was not a nice person to be around as far as my wife and kids were concerned. I was very impatient and always angry at home. Every evening I got home exhausted and was of no earthly benefit to my family. I was totally disengaged, reactive and very negative. At my place of work things were just routine, I didn’t have a vision and was simply going through the motions at my work place. Things that used to excite me no longer did. What I didn't’ realize was that I was experiencing a burn-out.

According to Professional Certified Coach (PCC) Delaney Tosh, when our energy outputs exceeds our energy inputs, we can become chronically exhausted. This leads to impatience and reactivity at work, and a lack of energy for the second shift at home and family life. In other words what Delaney is saying is that we cease from being effective both at work and at home. Our output at work is greatly affected and there’s a lot of strain in our marriage and relationship with our kids. Delaney goes ahead to state that our thoughts, behaviors and emotions all have an energy consequence which can be negative or positive, depleting or renewing. Various demands of life requires your energy thus drawing down what she calls your “well of resilience”. If you do not have energy habits that refill your well, and if your well is not deep enough, you run the risk of draining your well resulting in a burn-out as I experienced.

Resilience, which is the ability to cope and rebound quickly, is dependent on the balance of our energy renewal versus daily energy drains. It is thus important for each of us in both our professional and personal lives to develop energy renewal habits and be aware of our daily energy drains. Even our Savior Jesus Christ Himself knew this that’s why after a busy energy sapping day meeting the needs of the multitudes, could often times draw away from the crowds to re-energize. How we do that may differ from person to person, for example introverts like me are energized by pulling away from the crowds and spending time alone while an extrovert is re-energized by being with others. One of the ways we can re-energize is by having good sleeping habits, doing some physical exercises, recreating by doing a road trip, reading a book or watching a nice movie, and yes by silencing your inner critic as well.

DO YOU KNOW WHY YOUR SPOUSE BEHAVES THE WAY THEY DO?

The Ten Commandments can all be summed up into loving God and loving your neighbor because if you do so you won’t break any of those commandments. “And who is my neighbor?” Jesus was asked. In responding to this question He tells the story of a man going down from Jerusalem to Jericho who is mugged by robbers who strip him of all he has, beat him up and leave him half dead. A priest comes along the way, sees him and does nothing about it. And so does a Levite who passes by a few moments later, but a Samaritan on his journey when he sees this wounded man stops and does something. He bandages this man’s wounds, pouring in the oil and the wine, takes him to an inn and pays the inn keeper to take care of him.

Grace loves this parable, “The Parable of the Good Samaritan”(Luke 10:25-37) because it depicts clearly what happens in marriage. We all like the sojourner, in our journey in life have been beaten up, stripped and left wounded by what we have experienced. According to Linda Graham, Marriage and Family Therapist, if the earliest experiences we had of reaching out for connection were met with non-responsive, indifference, disregard, dismissal, or with anger or critical blaming and shaming, that experience of reaching out gets paired with a feeling of hurt or rejection or confusion. We withdraw back in to ourselves for protection and this is how we come into. Yesterday during our men’s forum, a guy stood up and confessed how he had dismissed some things that happened to his wife when she was young (she was molested by a relative when she was 7), thinking and telling her that she was very young at that time and should have outgrown those things by now. What he didn’t realize until this point was that we don’t outgrow such painful things. Instead they become etched in our brains and that affects us in our adult life. Negative things that happened even thirty years ago have the potential to cause havoc in our relationships many years later.

We ought to be our spouse’s neighbor, the Good Samaritan for each other. How? By not being judgmental, or wishing away certain things that happened to your spouse those many years ago. Instead we have to be keen enough to seek to understand how that has impacted their lives and their relationship. Look for any signs of rejection and shame from your spouse and reach out to them. Bandage their wounds and pour in the oil and the wine by offering them unconditional love and acceptance. Give them in abundance the opposite of that thing they missed or hurt them growing up. Affirm and appreciate them constantly if they grew up starved of affirmation. That is the reason you are there in their life. Like the Good Samaritan reach out to them with compassion and do something to reverse the hurt and bring healing to them.

ARE YOU SECURE IN YOUR MARRIAGE?

In sharing your innermost feelings with your spouse, especially those things that hurt you, your failures and fears, do you feel safe or scared? Do you make your spouse feel safe or scared to share with you their innermost feelings? Do you know what your spouse’s greatest fears are and why they struggle with them? Are the secrets your spouse knows about reasons for shame, or reasons for drawing you closer?

So why do we struggle to share with our spouse our innermost feelings? The fire and the fear of marriage is the fact that we can know each other so intimately yet this great blessing can also be the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at depths we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we never fully recover from.  So often it is our spouse who can hurt us so badly till we resolve within us never to share with them our struggles or stresses. We fear they will reject us or look at us differently because of what we shared with them. We even fear that what we share with them at our most vulnerable state might be used against us at a later stage.

Sometimes those fears have nothing to do with our spouse but everything to do with our past. Probably your best friend, brother or sister or even parent betrayed you, laughed at you, belittled what you told them when you shared with them something so intimate to you. So you vowed never to do that again no wonder you are struggling to open up to your spouse.

How can we get to open up? We need the courage to do so knowing that this might just be the door to greater intimacy. Where our fear lies so often is where our greatest opportunity lies as well. What you fear might just be an opportunity for your spouse to get to know you better, empathize with you and even forgive you. It might just unlock that door into a greater intimacy. We can also on the other hand offer a safe space to each other by loving our spouse to the point that they are safe with us.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.”- (1 John 4:18)

God knows us so intimately, He knows secrets about us that we even hide from ourselves, yet He loves us at a depth we cannot even fathom. He accepts us the way we are. The atmosphere in your marriage must be one of freedom not fear. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, your closeness should intensify your intimacy. Being “naked” and “not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25) should exist in the same sentence, right in your marriage – physically and emotionally. In marriage we have the opportunity to wrap all the private information about our spouse in the protective embrace of love.

LOVE THAT LASTS

This week Thursday will be Valentine's Day. Love will be in the air and then after that will go back to our normal routines. Many especially ladies will wish that this could continue for the rest of the year but we all know that life happens. So how can we stay in love?

Before answering that question, its important to note that there are three kinds of love, agape love which is the unconditional love, eros love which is sexual, romantic and feeling love and phileo which is the friendship love. What many of us will be experiencing during this Valentine is eros, that sexual, romantic love that elicits those good feelings of love.  That’s what attracts us to each other and we hope that it can be sustained forever. Phileo love is great for couples because it is important for you as a couple to have common interests. You must be friends, Grace always advises young people that if you want to get married, make sure you marry a friend. Don’t just get hitched to someone you love but more importantly to someone you like.

Phileo and eros love are more responsive in nature and can ebb and flo based upon feelings. Agape love on the other hand is selfless and unconditional. It is what you meant when you said “I do”. It is only by agaping each other that love will last a lifetime. The truth is, if your reason for loving your spouse all have something to do with his/her qualities, what happens when those qualities suddenly or gradually disappear? Your basis for love is over. Love should not be determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love.

Both friendship and sex have an important place in marriage, but if your marriage totally depends on having a common interest (friendship) or enjoying a healthy sex and a romantic relationship, then the foundation of your relationship is unstable. It is like the house Jesus talked of in the Bible that was built on sand. When the rains, wind and storms came, the house fell while the one built on the solid rock remained standing. Both houses were probably built the same way, looked the same but what was different was their foundations. Your marriage must be built on agape love, that unconditional love that will stand even if conditions change.

“When your enjoyment of each other as best friends and lovers is based on unwavering commitment, you will experience an intimacy that cannot be achieved any other way”

                                                                                        – THE LOVE DARE

LOVE IS NOT JEALOUS

Did you know that jealousy can be a good thing as well as a bad thing? When you see someone else interested in your spouse, you feel jealous isn’t it? There are actually two forms of jealousy: a legitimate jealousy that is based on love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy.

Just this morning I read in the newspapers about this man in Kisumu who killed his wife’s lover when he found them in the act. Now however bad killing someone is, but he must have reacted that way because he loved his wife and wasn’t ready to share her with someone else. A woman might be jealous of a man’s relatives, his career, hobbies because she feels these things are taking precedence over her in the relationship. The Bible describes God as having this kind of righteous jealousy for His people. He is a jealous God, He wants us only for Himself. And in marriage, we should be jealous for each other because we want our spouse only for ourselves.

On the other hand, the other type of jealousy that is based on envy is bad. You are envious of your spouse’s achievements or attributes. You don’t want your spouse to succeed in something because they will be more popular than you, or because you wanted them to go with your idea but when they insisted on theirs and it succeeded, you became jealous. Things are working well for him/her, they have recently been promoted, they are flying high in their career and nothing seems to be working out for you. So you become jealous of your spouse and instead of being their number one fan, you start criticizing and attacking them because you are envious of them. You are jealous, why? Because you are selfish or insecure in who you are. Instead of complimenting and congratulating each other, you start competing with each other as husband and wife.

Do you struggle with being jealous with your spouse? Is your jealousy legitimate or illegitimate? If it is illegitimate, then you need to find out why? Why are you jealous of him or her? What are you going to do not to be jealous of them? Why don’t you embark on being each other’s fan club or as we say here mafans. Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and reject any thoughts of jealousy.

LOVE BELIEVES THE BEST

Take a piece of paper and on one side, write all the positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the other side. Which side had the most items? What did you find easy to write, the positive things or the negative? If you are courting or newly married most likely you may have more positive things to write home about and probably found it easier to do so. If you have been married for a while, you will find the opposite to be true.

Grace and I always talk about the negative films we used to have in the olden days. After taking a photo you would get a negative which would then be “washed”, developed to get the actual photo. Those negatives were always developed in the dark room in a studio. If ever that negative was exposed to light it would be destroyed and the Photographer would tell you “picha iliungwa”, literally the picture got burned.

So often in marriage, we have a dark room. This dark room is what in the LOVE DARE they call the depreciation room. On the walls of this dark room, or depreciation Room, are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations. The room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your spouse. Spending time on this Dark room is what is killing many marriages or at least makes them passionless.

But there is also another room called the appreciation room. Here the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your mate. In this room lies the memories of all those wonderful moments you have had together as a Couple beginning with your honeymoon and that last holiday you took just the two of you. It is filled with all the good things you spouse has done to you, including that time when you were so tired and he came and took the children away giving you time to relax. That night or day she gave you wonderful sex, that gift they bought you on your birthday. Such things that just elicit some feelings of love.

The choice is yours. Where are you going to spend your time? In which room will you linger for long? Is it the dark room or the appreciation room? Valentine’s Day, if planned and spent well can be one of those things that will create those good memories to fill your appreciation room. On the other hand, the reason many won’t even think of having a valentine’s date is because they are spending a lot of time in the dark room. So in order to destroy those negatives, you need to expose them to the light. This you can do by choosing to resolve that conflict, taking her out for a date, or yes, choosing to leave the dark room and going into the appreciation room. To have lasting love, chose to dwell on the appreciation room, always take the side with the positive things you wrote and meditate on them.

LOVE IS... NOT RUDE

According to the LOVE DARE, rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. Rude behavior may seem insignificant to the person doing it, but its unpleasant to the person on the receiving end.

It is very easy to be at our best behavior with strangers but when it comes to our spouse, we so often tend to let our guard down and can sometimes be very rude to them. We tend to justify our behavior or totally ignore our spouse's complaints. We insist that's who I am. Bad behaviors like poor table manners, making sarcastic jokes or having a bad mouth can easily ruin your relationship. What does your spouse complain a lot about? What irritates them? Grace hates it when I make sarcastic quips. I have learned to be conscious of this and now I try my best to be more courteous with her and not to make those sarcastic quips.

We sometimes act as if we cannot change these behaviors. But when we can for example, you may be barking or pouting around the house, but if the phone rings , you answer all smiling and kind with a very soft and appealing voice. See, in one minute you are transformed from that rough barking person to this sweet nice person. Why don't we do the same for our spouse? Let love motivate you to make the needed changes in your behavior and you will see how the quality of your marriage relationship improves.

What has your spouse been complaining a lot about? What ONE behavior do you think or feel that if you changed will make your spouse happy and no longer complain? Why don't you make it your goal this year to change that behavior for the sake of your marriage relationship? Remember, rude behavior may seem insignificant to the person doing it, but its unpleasant to the person on the receiving end.

LOVE IS ... THOUGHTFUL

I (Barnie) started the year in January by renewing and strengthening my relationship with my LORD.  This second month of February, being the love month, I have embarked on a journey of renewing and strengthening my most important relationship here on earth by going through "THE LOVE DARE". Remember THE LOVE DARE from the movie FIREPROOF?

The Love Dare is a forty day journey that endeavors to define what love is. Love is more than just some gushy feelings, it is active. Why I like it is that it is action oriented and has daily challenges that make you move from just a good intention to action. Like yesterday I was on the fourth day of this journey, and the topic was "Love is thoughtful" When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. But after a few years in marriage, we get distracted with other things, take our spouse for granted and think only on those things that we think are important. No wonder we men especially can even forget her birthday or our anniversary. We rarely include this person in our thoughts and thus don't do certain things to them that would have kept our love going.

Lack of thoughtfulness also makes us speak harshly to our spouse when we become angry and frustrated. But the thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your mouth. How often have I spoken and said things to Grace that I later regretted. Things that really hurt her. I didn't engage my mind before engaging my mouth. Love thinks before speaking, so next time you are upset with something or even with him/her, think before you speak. Make it your goal this year to always think before you speak especially to your spouse when you are upset.

So my challenge to us is this, "When is the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? What ONE thing are you going to do today to better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? Think about that and then do it. See how that will affect your relationship and try and make it your habit this year of constantly thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate your love to your BAE.

TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE BETTER THIS YEAR

Each New Year people make New Year resolutions. It may be about stopping a bad habit or starting a new habit. Whatever it is the New Year gives us an opportunity to start all over again.

As Married Couples we can also make New Year resolutions that will help improve and better our marriage this year. You can start by writing “This Year I will… 

Here are some New Year’s resolutions ideas that have the potential to actually change your marriage for the better:

·         No screen time. Pick one night a week with no screen time (that means no TV, no phones, and no video games). You can do it!

·         Sweat together. Couples who work out and stay active feel sexier in and out of the bedroom.

·         Ask more questions. Asking your spouse open-ended questions shows you care and that you’re interested in what they’re thinking and feeling.

·         Make sex a priority. Talk about ways you can make sure your intimacy is on your to do list

·         Eat dinner together. Pick one night a week when you have dinner just the two of you. Couples who sit down and intentionally spend time talking and sharing about their day feel more connected.

·         Start doing a monthly budget. No, it’s not sexy but studies have shown time and time again that if you make financial decisions together, you will be happier and wealthier.

·         Schedule date night at least twice a month. Remember that date nights are for having fun, making new memories and having heart-to- heart conversations. Let one spouse suggest where to go and what to do for one date night and the other spouse the other date night.

·         Learn something new about Marriage. You can either chose to read a book on marriage together, listen to or watch something on marriage together. This will impact your marriage and any other relationship you have.

·         Be positive. The minute your brain starts thinking negative things about your spouse, your house, or your job, write down 5 things you love about your life and your spouse. You can actually train your brain into thinking more positive.

·         Text your spouse a compliment once a day. Sounds simple, right? And it’s extremely powerful to take the time to send your spouse a thoughtful and kind text to let them know how much you love and appreciate them.

Adopted from Thriving Marriages.com