TRUST ISSUES

When you hear the term trust issues, what comes to your mind? As a Marriage and Relationship Coach what comes to my mind is a spouse who is suspicious of their partner because of his or her funny behaviors like suddenly having many passwords in their phone or going to the loo with their phone. It is normally those situations where one partner has been busted and the relationship is now in turmoil as a result of that. But recently I came across something that broadened my mind on this issue of trust. I have been reading again Pat Lencioni’s five dysfunctions of a Team and it is in my reading that I came across this statement by Kathryn the CEO,

“So you don’t agree on most things, and yet you don’t seem willing to admit that you have concerns, that’s a trust issue,”

From the statement above, it is very clear that failure to open up and willingly express our concerns and opinions is a trust issue. Yet there are many couples who will not dare venture into those deep waters in their relationships for fear of rocking the boat. So even if they don’t agree with their spouse, they keep their feelings, thoughts, and concerns to themselves because they don’t want to stir up a conflict. On the outside their relationship looks okay but inside there’s a lot of mistrust. This robs them the opportunity of getting more intimate in their relationship leaving them very vulnerable to outside temptation.

Trust, Honesty and Intimacy are all intertwined. When there’s no trust, we are not honest with each other and when we are not honest with each other we cannot become intimate. The scriptures say that both the man and the woman were naked yet not ashamed. Unfortunately in most relationships, even between buddies and gal-friends, we aren’t naked with each other. As a result we have superficial relationships and that’s not what relationships especially those significant relationships were meant to be. So next time you hear of trust issues, don’t just think of someone cheating on their partner, am I willing to be naked in this relationship? “What don’t I feel free to share with my spouse?” Then ask yourself a further question, “Why am I afraid to do so?”

NO MORE EXCUSES

NO MORE EXCUSES

There’s a very interesting story in the Bible of how God called Moses to go and deliver his people out of slavery in Egypt. The Israelites had been slaves in Egypt by this time for about 400 years. Moses was born a Jew but brought up in Pharaoh’s palace as a son of Pharaoh’s daughter. But one day he finds an Egyptian mistreating his fellow Jew and kills this Egyptian. When he is scared that he will be found out, he flees the country and seeks exile in the wilderness. 

He has been living here for now about 40 years in exile when God approaches him to go and lead the Israelites out of their misery in Egypt. Moses is at a point in his life when he is no longer sure of himself. God tries to assure him and that He will be with him but Moses is still second guessing himself. So he tries to wiggle himself out of this assignment by saying that the people will not believe him when he tells them that it is the LORD who has sent him. Even after God showing Moses a couple of miracles, Moses comes up with another excuse, I’m not eloquent and asks God to send someone else.

Like Moses, we are always full of excuses in life. As someone aptly put it, we may have 1000 excuses of not doing something and not one reason at all. You see all the things people mention that are hindering them from getting a job, succeeding in their studies, making more money or even succeeding in their relationships are mere excuses. Excuses are what keeps us from realizing our goals in life. There are many reasons why we make excuses. Some common reasons why we do so are, fear, limiting beliefs, avoiding discomfort, or simply because we don’t want to do it. 

We fear failure so we don’t attempt to make things right with our spouse. As guys, we sometimes fear appearing like we are sat on by our wives or girlfriends so we don’t do some of those things that could really change our relationship. We fear being told no, so we don’t approach that lady if you are single or ask your wife for sex for those married. Sometimes it’s our limiting beliefs, beliefs such as it’s only loose women who initiate sex, so you don’t do it in your marriage. Or limiting beliefs that simply because a woman earns more than you she will despise you. Dealing with conflict in relationships is not a comfortable thing so to avoid the discomfort of trying to resolve that conflict we look for all manners of excuses to come home late. As a result of making excuses we hurt our relationships.

 The answer is not to stop making excuses, but to rather raise our self awareness and to be honest with ourselves. We need to change what we say or tell ourselves and overcome our fears. Research shows that while it can become a habit to make excuses, even a short pause can be enough to catch yourself, focus on the outcomes we want instead of avoiding our fears and discomfort. Changing our excuses can be challenging as it involves facing our deepest selves. But it is only in facing our Giants that we can truly overcome those internal obstacles that stand on our way  of succeeding be it in our careers, our personal lives or even our relationships.

F-E-A-R HAS TWO MEANINGS: 

Forget Everything And Run 

                OR 

Face Everything And Rise. 

The choice is yours.