THE 12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

4. Putting the Marriage “On Hold” While Raising Kids

We once attended a marriage get together and when the ladies were asked the question “who is more important, your husband or your kids?” most of the ladies answered my kids. Some ladies will not dare say this as they will want to give a politically correct answer, but deep down inside they believe that their kids are more important than their husband. In dealing with husbands whose wives have decided to leave them and left with the children, it is always very clear that what most of them are really after is their children and not their hurting spouse. In fact many ladies in those situations are always suspicious that the only reason the man is seeking reconciliation is because he wants his children back.

Dave Willis in his article 12 habits leading to divorce states that “I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart because two well-meaning people put so much focus on their kids that they forgot to keep investing in the marriage. Some couples reduce their relationship to a partnership in co-parenting, and when the kids finally grow up; they discover that they have created an empty nest and an empty marriage. Give your children the gift that comes from seeing their parents in a loving, thriving marriage. Model the kind of marriage that will make your kids excited to be married someday.”

We couldn’t put it any better. You see husband and wife; children are not the reason for marriage they are a product of it. The only covenant one makes is with their spouse not their children nor with their parent. Children will grow up and leave you but your spouse is there to stay. What happens when the children leave? If you don’t work on and prioritize your relationship as husband and wife now, when the children are gone you will wake up to the reality that you are only two strangers putting up together. It will be too late then to start working on your relationship.

So don’t put your marriage on hold just because of the children, let the children know in words and in deeds that your relationship, your spouse comes first before them. If you were to chose between your kids and your spouse you would chose your spouse just like one day they will chose their spouse before you. Guys remember the best thing you can do for those kids is to love their mother, and the best thing lady you can do for your kids, is to admire and respect their Dad.

ARE YOU SERVING YOUR SPOUSE "LEFTOVERS"?

Nobody likes to eat “leftovers”, we all love and look forward to that freshly made ugali or those hot chapos from the pan. But unfortunately in marriage, we usually serve each other leftovers. What do I mean by that? Now I'm not talking about real food here but how we treat each other as husband and wife.

We so often give our employer, our Church fellowship and the boys or girls our best time and energies reserving very little or no energy for our spouse. As husbands by the time we get home we are totally zoned out that we cannot engage our wives in any meaningful conversation. Wives on the other hand can give themselves to others, the visitors who came calling or the children, that by the time they are going to bed they are totally maxed out giving their hubbies a raw deal in bed.

According to Dave Willis author of the 12 habits that lead to Divorce, “Some couples have what I call a “cable company marriage.” Have you ever noticed how Cable TV companies seem to give you their very best deals and service at the beginning of the relationship but then after the “introductory period” ends, they give you as little as possible to still keep you around? Some married couples were great at giving their best at the beginning of the relationship, but as time goes on, they start giving the leftovers."

As married couples, why don’t we strive to keep giving our best to each other even beyond this Valentine period. Let’s come up with creative ideas that will keep the fire burning in our marriages (in fact let us hear some ideas from you that might help us and other couples keep the fire burning). Then let's be deliberate in ensuring that each day or week or month we implement those ideas in our marriage. Remember that it is important those things be focused on your spouse, what they love and find exciting? What they have wished for or are yearning for.

Let us go back to our first love, remember that first date, that first kiss, how you used to go out together, how sex was something you looked forward to. May we develop a habit of preparing a fresh meal for each other and quit giving each other leftovers this month.