In our last blog we talked about how our inability to
resolve conflict is hurting our marriages and us as well. And why is it that we
don’t know how to resolve conflicts? It’s simply because we have not seen it
done properly growing up and so when we get married we do it the wrong way
either by reacting it out or withdrawing into silence. Both ways leave us hurt
and wounded.
So how do we do it right? The reason we usually don’t get it right from the
beginning is that we start attacking the other person’s reactions instead of
asking ourselves why they are reacting that way. We judge them for their
reaction instead of being compassionate towards them in trying to find out why
they reacted the way they did. Instead of blaming them for their reaction we
need to seek to understand them by understanding why they reacted the way they
did. In so doing we will help them discover certain things about themselves as
well as help us get to know them better.
So let conflict act as a teacher for self awareness, helping your spouse
become aware of themselves as well as you becoming aware of certain aspects
about them.
It is also
important for you to also become more aware of yourself. It is only in such a
relationship like marriage that we become more aware of we really are. Normally
when something happens in our lives contrary to what we expected we get
annoyed. This event surfaces an unmet need in our lives, that need could be the
need to be loved, to be appreciated, to be respected, to be included and so on.
When that need surfaces we tell ourselves
something, something like I’m not needed here, or I’m not worthy etc. What we
tell ourselves then determines how we behave and it is that undesirable
behavior that causes us to hurt each other.
It is
therefore important for us to be aware of what we tell ourselves as a result of
what happens to us that makes us upset. The event only acts as a trigger,
triggering something deep inside us. Why did what they said or did affect me
the way it did you must ask yourself. Going deeper and asking yourself why
several times may just help you discover certain past hurts that are buried
deep there that have really nothing to do with your spouse. Being aware of
those things will go a long way in helping you regain control of your life and
help you manage and regulate yourself well. On our next blog will talk more about self
regulation you don’t want to miss this.
