Ability to resolve
conflict
It was Bishop
T.D.Jakes while making the movie “Not Easily Broken” who said that, “We got to do something to sustain our
relationships. We are losing our ability to survive conflict in our own homes”.
We couldn’t agree more with him as from our own experience in dealing
with married couples; it is this inability to resolve conflict that is
destroying many marriages.
Our attitude in
conflict is first and foremost wrong. We are not willing to humble ourselves
and admit that we could be wrong. We fail to have an attitude of teamwork
instead dealing with each other as adversaries. It’s me against you instead of
us against whatever it is that is coming in between us to put us asunder. When
we fail to have a team spirit we end up scoring in our own goal. We should have
a win-win attitude and not a win-lose one where at the end of it all we both
leave happy. We all especially the men like to win, but what does it profit us
to win an argument and lose our spouse?
We often times miss
the mark because we are dealing with the fruit instead of the root causes. What
sometimes we think is the problem, money, sex or in-laws is not the problem.
There are many underlying issues that are the cause of the problem. Being aware
of these underlying issues like our fears, unfulfilled expectations and unmet
needs goes a long way in helping us understand not just ourselves but our
spouse. The goal of conflict resolution is not that we come to an agreement, as
we will not always agree, but rather to an understanding.
Understanding where
my spouse is coming from and why she is reacting the way he or she is will help
a lot in conflict resolution. Listening well to understand, providing a safe
environment where we feel safe to open up and where our feelings are validated
helps a lot in resolving conflict. Failure to listen well and to communicate
well escalates conflict rather than d-escalate it.
Being sensitive to
each others needs is also paramount. When upset, a wife should not criticize
or deal with her husband contemptuously as this makes him feel disrespected and
this in turn demotivates him. On the other hand by withdrawing or stonewalling
his wife, a man makes his wife feel rejected and this adds fuel to the fire.
