"You need to talk to my husband", Jane said as she sat across Grace and I on the other side of the table. "He is not talking and I feel like I’m the
one who has to make all the decisions in our marriage. Where is the head? Why
can’t he provide leadership in the home?”
Jane cried. Tony who had all along been sitting quietly next to her
looking intently at her retorted, “How can I talk to someone who is constantly
shouting at me.” “Jane does not respect
me, when I tell her that I’m going to do something, she feels that I’m just
buying time and that I won’t do it”, Tony added.
Obviously this couple was in serious conflict. As we
continued with our conversations it was clear that Jane was comparing her
husband Tony with her Dad who was a go-getter and who ruled his family with an
iron-hand. Tony on the other hand was this laid back kind of guy who didn’t
seem to be moved by anything. He was quite the opposite of Jane’s Dad and by
extension of Jane herself.
Tony on the other hand had through the years in marriage
because of Jane’s personality, let Jane run their home and relationship. It was
kind of reversed roles with Jane taking the leadership and Tony following.
Obviously Tony wasn’t happy with this situation but seemed helpless in what to
do. The more Jane longed for him to rise up and provide leadership in the home,
the more Tony recoiled back into his cave thus creating this vicious cycle.
What Tony and Jane don't realize is that-;
1. They are two very different personalities and what initially attracted them to each other (as opposites attract) was what was causing them to attack each other now.
2. Jane was comparing her husband Tony with her Dad. This is one of the most common mistakes many couples make in marriage, comparing their spouse to their favorite Parent.
3. By being forceful and demanding, Jane was pushing Tony back into his shell instead of bringing out the leader she wanted to see in him.
4. Tony had allowed Jane to take leadership because of his passivity thus causing Jane to be frustrated. The most important thing a man should provide for his family and especially his wife is leadership. Women feel secure in the relationship as the man takes his place of leadership in the home.
