We often wish we would be in agreement over everything and
wouldn’t need to fight. We want a stress free relationship and yes to live
happily ever after. But that’s far from the reality. As they say, if wishes
were true, beggars would ride. Why is it so difficult to have a conflict free
relationship?
We avoid conflict like plague. Of course nobody wants
conflict in their relationship. But if you have been married for a while, you
must have come to the realization that conflict is inevitable in marriage. In
fact I tell many couples who are courting that if they have never
disagreed in their relationship, then
they most probably are just pretending and aren’t ready for marriage. For in
marriage, where two different and distinct people live together, there is bound
to be conflict.
Conflict in and of itself isn’t bad. What is bad is how we
handle conflict. The problem in many marriages today is that they do not know
how to resolve conflict. We either sweep things under the carpet wishing them
away only for them to resurface later in a bigger way, or we confront them head
on and allow our emotions to have the better of us. And then after we have
exploded, we are left feeling bad and regretting the damage we have caused. Conflict if not handled well can destroy a
marriage.
How then can husband and wife handle conflict in such a way
that it enhances rather than destroys their relationship? We all are different
and have different needs. When these needs go unmet or are violated, we react. And
when we react, our partner attacks our reaction and this sets up a vicious
cycle that causes the conflict to escalate. We put on the accelerator instead
of the breaks when we attack each other’s reactions.
To put on the breaks, we need to first stop and ask
ourselves why it is that our partner is reacting the way they are. Trying to
understand where they are coming from instead of attacking where they are is
thus important. You must also ask yourself why you are reacting the way you do.
Which need of yours is not being met or is being violated?
