why won't He talk to me?

There have been many times my wife has told me that she didn’t feel me. I was there but not there, know what I mean. This greatly frustrates her as much as it frustrates me because as a man I just find myself hindered by what we talked about on the last article, the fear of failure.

Many wives like my wife have had to grapple with this complex situation. They are deeply perplexed at the apparent emotional unavailability of their husbands.  This mystery and disappointment surrounding a husband’s emotional distance is summarized in the familiar question by many wives, “Why won’t he talk to me?’

The problem is not experienced by all men. In fact some men will not identify at all with
the problem of not knowing how to discuss emotional information. There are a few men who are
quite capable of discussing their feelings and are attentive and curious about the emotions
of others they are in relationship with.

But for many men, however, the prospect of an emotional conversation with anyone is a
fate to be avoided at all cost. They would rather be dragged through thistles than talk
about, “feeeeelings…” especially the traditional African man who has become emotionally dis empowered. What do I mean by that? Most of us grew up in homes where we were told that real men don’t cry, in other words it is girlish or childish to express our emotions. These men will go to great lengths to keep their own emotional processes suppressed and to avoid having to address and attend to the emotional experiences of others.


This is especially true in the context of marriage, the wives of these men often express deep pain and sorrow at being shut out and excluded from the emotional vulnerability of their beloved husband. Most husbands drown themselves in their jobs, ministry in Church or alcohol in order to avoid facing their own issues. They don’t know what to do when their wives start crying and pouring out their emotions on them.

So ladies, you now know why he won’t talk to you. We will continue looking at other reasons why men find it hard to connect with their emotions and thus shut off their significant other instead of risking vulnerability and finding the key to opening up and talking to their wife thus connecting with her emotionally.

BRINGING DOWN THE PARTITION (Part 1)

In my many years of marriage, I have desired to grow closer to my spouse, but there has been a fear within me of what that closeness will demand of me. I am greatly challenged in the area of communication and find it sometimes hard to really express my feelings to my wife.  I believe that I’m not alone in this.

Many of you husbands are hesitant to share with your wives your inner most feelings because you feel inadequate in this level of communication. Men are more motivated to act when they feel capable, so they tend to avoid anything that might leave them feeling like a failure. This fear of failure is one of the greatest hindrances to intimacy.

Women on the other hand need emotional closeness, for that is what intimacy is to them. Men spell intimacy S-E-X, while women spell it T-A-L-K. Many women thus try for years to find ways to get their husband to talk before the frustration of going away with her needs unmet – again- forces her to stop trying. That leads to another fear of intimacy which is the fear of rejection. 

In trying to fight this fear the woman will start throwing tantrums to get her hubby’s attention not knowing that by so doing, she is throwing stones at her husband who in turn utilizes them to fortify the wall between them. The man thus hides his fears behind the wall as that wall serves to keep him safe and to keep his wife away from him.

How then can you as a woman help your man overcome this fear of failure? First, be aware of how your criticism works against your hope of being close. Secondly, let him know what it means to you that he would trust you with emotional vulnerability. Finally, create a safe environment for him to open up to you. Let him see evidence that it is safe to be emotionally vulnerable with you. There may be ways in the past that you have been unsafe for him to open up to. If you can see this, acknowledging it and apologizing for it may be helpful.

For more on this, don't miss to listen in on Friday at 11pm on "The Closet" show- Hope FM.

BECOMING ONE

Familiarity and intimacy are not the same. Each has a value in life, certainly in married life, but one is no substitute for the other. If one is confused for the other,we have the basis for major human and marital unrest. In marriage, familiarity is inescapable. It happens almost imperceptibly. Intimacy is usually hard to come by. It must be deliberately sought and opened up and responded to.Familiarity brings a degree of ease and comfort. Intimacy anxiously searches for deep understanding and personal appreciation.

Marriage is all about two distinct people deciding to share their lives together. This can only happen successfully when we adhere to  God’s equation of one plus one equaling one. This is one of those things that can be confusing especially after living all your earlier life as an independent individual. This is one paradox that many a married people grapple with even as they endeavor to become intimate. One may ask, does this becoming one mean losing our individual identity?

The dilemma is, how can I be an individual, yet not be left alone in life? We cry out, “hold me!” and “not too tight” in the same breath. This tightrope walking act especially comes into play when husbands and wives try to communicate. Sometimes our attempts at oneness are awkward – or even painful-as we risk vulnerability. At times we retreat into silence or isolation, just because it seems safer. Our fears can prevent us from pursuing the intimacy and oneness we all desire.

The fear of intimacy itself is part of that balancing act between maintaining one’s individuality and developing greater closeness with one’s mate. The give and take involved in “becoming one”in marriage is a tricky business, and there is always danger that one spouse’s personality will overpower and dominate the relationship. The fear of intimacy has no gender bias – it’s an equal opportunity barrier. Women feel worried about being swallowed up by their husband’s lives, and men feel worried about losing themselves to their wives. 

Clearly, fear takes the lead as the most dangerous enemy of good communication in marriage. As you and your spouse pursue better communication in spite of your fears, your heightened level of trust can banish the fears that have been getting in your way.


"Perfect love banishes all fear" - I John 4:18

THE GIFT OF TIME

Planning is fundamental to establishing ongoing quality couple time together. They say that if you fail to plan you are planning to fail and that is true for us in marriage. We think that because we stay together we have all the time together. But that is a fallacy. I learned long time ago that I had to factor my wife into my busy schedule because we found ourselves living like college room-mates. Mondays used to be my off day as a Pastor and those were the days I used to plan my week. One day after looking at my seemingly busy schedule, my wife asked me a very powerful question, “Honey, where do I fit in this schedule of yours?” It suddenly hit me that I was planning time for everyone else except the one I promised to ‘have and to hold’.

Wayne Rickerson, author of We Never Have Time Just for Us, feels that recognition of neglect is crucial to any remedy in a suffering relationship. “We do not into marriage thinking, ‘our plan is to have fun and excitements, share goals and interests for the first two years, and then neglect these areas.’ But we invite neglect into our marriage when we do not plan ways to have fun and excitement, share interests and set common goals,” he explains.

Couples who really desire, and I repeat, who really desire more time together make more time available to be together. They meet for lunch, go for jogging early in the morning, take an evening walk together, call each other during the day and yes, set aside a time of day, prime time, “just for us.” And once they have done that, they jealously guard that time and turn down invitations and appointments, yes even important ones because they value time alone together.

"Love is spelled T I M E"