LOVE IS ... THOUGHTFUL

I (Barnie) started the year in January by renewing and strengthening my relationship with my LORD.  This second month of February, being the love month, I have embarked on a journey of renewing and strengthening my most important relationship here on earth by going through "THE LOVE DARE". Remember THE LOVE DARE from the movie FIREPROOF?

The Love Dare is a forty day journey that endeavors to define what love is. Love is more than just some gushy feelings, it is active. Why I like it is that it is action oriented and has daily challenges that make you move from just a good intention to action. Like yesterday I was on the fourth day of this journey, and the topic was "Love is thoughtful" When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. But after a few years in marriage, we get distracted with other things, take our spouse for granted and think only on those things that we think are important. No wonder we men especially can even forget her birthday or our anniversary. We rarely include this person in our thoughts and thus don't do certain things to them that would have kept our love going.

Lack of thoughtfulness also makes us speak harshly to our spouse when we become angry and frustrated. But the thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your mouth. How often have I spoken and said things to Grace that I later regretted. Things that really hurt her. I didn't engage my mind before engaging my mouth. Love thinks before speaking, so next time you are upset with something or even with him/her, think before you speak. Make it your goal this year to always think before you speak especially to your spouse when you are upset.

So my challenge to us is this, "When is the last time you spent a few minutes thinking about how could better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? What ONE thing are you going to do today to better understand and demonstrate love to your spouse? Think about that and then do it. See how that will affect your relationship and try and make it your habit this year of constantly thinking about how you could better understand and demonstrate your love to your BAE.

TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE BETTER THIS YEAR

Each New Year people make New Year resolutions. It may be about stopping a bad habit or starting a new habit. Whatever it is the New Year gives us an opportunity to start all over again.

As Married Couples we can also make New Year resolutions that will help improve and better our marriage this year. You can start by writing “This Year I will… 

Here are some New Year’s resolutions ideas that have the potential to actually change your marriage for the better:

·         No screen time. Pick one night a week with no screen time (that means no TV, no phones, and no video games). You can do it!

·         Sweat together. Couples who work out and stay active feel sexier in and out of the bedroom.

·         Ask more questions. Asking your spouse open-ended questions shows you care and that you’re interested in what they’re thinking and feeling.

·         Make sex a priority. Talk about ways you can make sure your intimacy is on your to do list

·         Eat dinner together. Pick one night a week when you have dinner just the two of you. Couples who sit down and intentionally spend time talking and sharing about their day feel more connected.

·         Start doing a monthly budget. No, it’s not sexy but studies have shown time and time again that if you make financial decisions together, you will be happier and wealthier.

·         Schedule date night at least twice a month. Remember that date nights are for having fun, making new memories and having heart-to- heart conversations. Let one spouse suggest where to go and what to do for one date night and the other spouse the other date night.

·         Learn something new about Marriage. You can either chose to read a book on marriage together, listen to or watch something on marriage together. This will impact your marriage and any other relationship you have.

·         Be positive. The minute your brain starts thinking negative things about your spouse, your house, or your job, write down 5 things you love about your life and your spouse. You can actually train your brain into thinking more positive.

·         Text your spouse a compliment once a day. Sounds simple, right? And it’s extremely powerful to take the time to send your spouse a thoughtful and kind text to let them know how much you love and appreciate them.

Adopted from Thriving Marriages.com

TRUST ISSUES

When you hear the term trust issues, what comes to your mind? As a Marriage and Relationship Coach what comes to my mind is a spouse who is suspicious of their partner because of his or her funny behaviors like suddenly having many passwords in their phone or going to the loo with their phone. It is normally those situations where one partner has been busted and the relationship is now in turmoil as a result of that. But recently I came across something that broadened my mind on this issue of trust. I have been reading again Pat Lencioni’s five dysfunctions of a Team and it is in my reading that I came across this statement by Kathryn the CEO,

“So you don’t agree on most things, and yet you don’t seem willing to admit that you have concerns, that’s a trust issue,”

From the statement above, it is very clear that failure to open up and willingly express our concerns and opinions is a trust issue. Yet there are many couples who will not dare venture into those deep waters in their relationships for fear of rocking the boat. So even if they don’t agree with their spouse, they keep their feelings, thoughts, and concerns to themselves because they don’t want to stir up a conflict. On the outside their relationship looks okay but inside there’s a lot of mistrust. This robs them the opportunity of getting more intimate in their relationship leaving them very vulnerable to outside temptation.

Trust, Honesty and Intimacy are all intertwined. When there’s no trust, we are not honest with each other and when we are not honest with each other we cannot become intimate. The scriptures say that both the man and the woman were naked yet not ashamed. Unfortunately in most relationships, even between buddies and gal-friends, we aren’t naked with each other. As a result we have superficial relationships and that’s not what relationships especially those significant relationships were meant to be. So next time you hear of trust issues, don’t just think of someone cheating on their partner, am I willing to be naked in this relationship? “What don’t I feel free to share with my spouse?” Then ask yourself a further question, “Why am I afraid to do so?”

NO MORE EXCUSES

NO MORE EXCUSES

There’s a very interesting story in the Bible of how God called Moses to go and deliver his people out of slavery in Egypt. The Israelites had been slaves in Egypt by this time for about 400 years. Moses was born a Jew but brought up in Pharaoh’s palace as a son of Pharaoh’s daughter. But one day he finds an Egyptian mistreating his fellow Jew and kills this Egyptian. When he is scared that he will be found out, he flees the country and seeks exile in the wilderness. 

He has been living here for now about 40 years in exile when God approaches him to go and lead the Israelites out of their misery in Egypt. Moses is at a point in his life when he is no longer sure of himself. God tries to assure him and that He will be with him but Moses is still second guessing himself. So he tries to wiggle himself out of this assignment by saying that the people will not believe him when he tells them that it is the LORD who has sent him. Even after God showing Moses a couple of miracles, Moses comes up with another excuse, I’m not eloquent and asks God to send someone else.

Like Moses, we are always full of excuses in life. As someone aptly put it, we may have 1000 excuses of not doing something and not one reason at all. You see all the things people mention that are hindering them from getting a job, succeeding in their studies, making more money or even succeeding in their relationships are mere excuses. Excuses are what keeps us from realizing our goals in life. There are many reasons why we make excuses. Some common reasons why we do so are, fear, limiting beliefs, avoiding discomfort, or simply because we don’t want to do it. 

We fear failure so we don’t attempt to make things right with our spouse. As guys, we sometimes fear appearing like we are sat on by our wives or girlfriends so we don’t do some of those things that could really change our relationship. We fear being told no, so we don’t approach that lady if you are single or ask your wife for sex for those married. Sometimes it’s our limiting beliefs, beliefs such as it’s only loose women who initiate sex, so you don’t do it in your marriage. Or limiting beliefs that simply because a woman earns more than you she will despise you. Dealing with conflict in relationships is not a comfortable thing so to avoid the discomfort of trying to resolve that conflict we look for all manners of excuses to come home late. As a result of making excuses we hurt our relationships.

 The answer is not to stop making excuses, but to rather raise our self awareness and to be honest with ourselves. We need to change what we say or tell ourselves and overcome our fears. Research shows that while it can become a habit to make excuses, even a short pause can be enough to catch yourself, focus on the outcomes we want instead of avoiding our fears and discomfort. Changing our excuses can be challenging as it involves facing our deepest selves. But it is only in facing our Giants that we can truly overcome those internal obstacles that stand on our way  of succeeding be it in our careers, our personal lives or even our relationships.

F-E-A-R HAS TWO MEANINGS: 

Forget Everything And Run 

                OR 

Face Everything And Rise. 

The choice is yours.

12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

7. TRUSTING YOUR "FEELINGS" MORE THAN YOUR COMMITMENT

Today the world woke up to the shock news of the passing away of an icon, Barbara Pierce Bush who died at the age of 92. Barbara Bush will go down in history as the wife and mother to 2 US Presidents not a mean achievement by all means. The only other woman to have achieved that was the wife of Quincy Adams the 2^nd President of the US whose son later on also became POTUS.

But more than that achievement, the other record that Barbara and her husband George Herbert Walker Bush I have set is that the couple held the title for the longest presidential marriage in American history, beating John and Abigail Adam’s 54-year union in 2000. They got married when he was 20 and she was 19 on January 6, 1945 and lived "happily-ever after" for 73 years until her death yesterday. Her husband was right there by her bed holding her hand as she passed on.

In a day and age when marriages are falling apart so easily, it is people like George and Barbara Bush that inspire Grace and I to keep going and prove to the world that marriage works. But what is the secret of such longevity in marriage? It is the realization that you made a commitment to each other till death do you part. Couples like the Bushes have discovered that love is a commitment not just a feeling. Their commitment to each other perseveres regardless of what they are feeling. According to Dave Willis author of 12 habits that lead to divorce, “the strength of such a commitment allows us to have a deeper intimacy, a stronger connection and a happier marriage.”

Of course there definitely were days when either George or Barbara “felt” like being married, but there were also  days that they felt why did I marry this man or woman. There is a possibility that they also felt for other people but didn't let those feelings steer them away from their commitment to each other. You see friends, feelings are fickle and they were never intended to be our primary reason of being and remaining together in marriage.

12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

6. MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR SPOUSE

This week I, Barnie, made a decision that cost me dearly. I actually lost some tidy sum of money in the process and I was very disappointed with myself. I called Grace to tell her what had just happened and I could feel the disappointment on her side. But when I got home she received me very well and really encouraged me and helped me pick myself up and move on from where I was. It is definitely not good for a man to be alone and man, wasn't I glad that I had someone who not only understood me but was also so gracious to me in my error.

That brings us to the 6th habit that will destroy your marriage, MAKING DECISIONS WITHOUT CONSULTING YOUR SPOUSE. According to Dave Willis, "Our pride can often convince us that we don’t have to answer to anyone, and we should be able to make decisions without consulting anyone. Pride has been the downfall of so many marriages. The healthiest couples have learned that EVERY decision they make as individuals will have some level of impact on each other, so they respectfully and thoughtfully consult each other in every decision."

We couldn't agree with Davis more, whatever decision you make as an individual impacts on your partner. What started off as a small thing ended up a big one and my lesson from all this is that it is important to consult and make decisions together as husband and wife. Even in matters that sometimes you feel your partner isn't well versed in, it's just important to include them and make them a part of the decision making process. Two are always better than one for had I roped Grace in on this, knowing Grace very well, I would not have ended up where I found myself.

12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

5. Trying to Change Each Other

I don't know about you, but there are times when I feel that this marriage would just be nice if it weren't for my wife Grace. If only she would not be as particular as she always is, if only she would not be too conscientious, if only she would let it be and the list goes on and on. In our twenty three years of marriage I have tried hard to change Grace to my image in vain. It has been the most frustrating thing as each time I embark on this mission of trying to change her, I've been met with a lot of resistance. She has resisted like NASA was asking us to do.

Similarly Grace has also tried changing me into her image of a husband without success in some areas. She has ended up getting frustrated as a result of trying to change this rigid husband of hers. Many couples make the same mistake as each one tries to change the other into the person they want them to be. We all have come to the conclusion that it is a mission impossible. Only God can change us and as long as we make it our JD (Job Description) to change our spouse we are bound to not only fail, but end up getting frustrated.

According to Dave Willis, author of 12 habits that lead to divorce, when you try to “change” your spouse, you will BOTH end up frustrated. As you’ve probably learned already, you can’t change each other; you can only love each other. The only part of the marriage you have the power to change is the part you see when you look in the mirror. Be willing to change your responses to your spouse’s behavior. Look for ways to love and serve each other even when you have differences of perspective or preference. You’ll both probably end up “changing” for the better in the process.