BECOMING ONE

Familiarity and intimacy are not the same. Each has a value in life, certainly in married life, but one is no substitute for the other. If one is confused for the other,we have the basis for major human and marital unrest. In marriage, familiarity is inescapable. It happens almost imperceptibly. Intimacy is usually hard to come by. It must be deliberately sought and opened up and responded to.Familiarity brings a degree of ease and comfort. Intimacy anxiously searches for deep understanding and personal appreciation.

Marriage is all about two distinct people deciding to share their lives together. This can only happen successfully when we adhere to  God’s equation of one plus one equaling one. This is one of those things that can be confusing especially after living all your earlier life as an independent individual. This is one paradox that many a married people grapple with even as they endeavor to become intimate. One may ask, does this becoming one mean losing our individual identity?

The dilemma is, how can I be an individual, yet not be left alone in life? We cry out, “hold me!” and “not too tight” in the same breath. This tightrope walking act especially comes into play when husbands and wives try to communicate. Sometimes our attempts at oneness are awkward – or even painful-as we risk vulnerability. At times we retreat into silence or isolation, just because it seems safer. Our fears can prevent us from pursuing the intimacy and oneness we all desire.

The fear of intimacy itself is part of that balancing act between maintaining one’s individuality and developing greater closeness with one’s mate. The give and take involved in “becoming one”in marriage is a tricky business, and there is always danger that one spouse’s personality will overpower and dominate the relationship. The fear of intimacy has no gender bias – it’s an equal opportunity barrier. Women feel worried about being swallowed up by their husband’s lives, and men feel worried about losing themselves to their wives. 

Clearly, fear takes the lead as the most dangerous enemy of good communication in marriage. As you and your spouse pursue better communication in spite of your fears, your heightened level of trust can banish the fears that have been getting in your way.


"Perfect love banishes all fear" - I John 4:18