Why her “I do” will always mean “Do you?”

Last Friday (26^th August) my wife and I celebrated our sixteenth wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine that it has been that long since I told my bride “I do”. I always say it’s even a miracle for me to be married and in love with the same woman lo this many years. Considering where I come from, to be married to only one woman this long, is another miracle.

Even though our relationship has been great, there have been many times my wife has felt insecure about my love for her. When that insecurity is triggered, my wife responds in ways that confuse or dismay me until she feels reassured that I love her. Fact is that many of the things that perplex or even anger us about our wife are Red flags, signals that they are feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.

For example, have you ever wondered why your wife:

• Asks, “Do you love me?” even though you’ve done nothing to indicate you’ve changed your mind about loving her? (In fact, you just told her you loved her this morning on the way out of the door!)
• Takes your need for space as an indication that you are upset with and trying to get away from her?
• Wants to talk, talk, talk about your relationship – especially at times you least want to?
• Seems to turn critical or pushy for no reason you can figure?
• Gets crabby or “excessively emotional” and seems to push you away – but is unhappy or angry when you stay away?

Early in our relationship I used to get so upset and bothered with this kind of stuff until I came to learn that for a woman, the need for reassurance is very critical. I thought that I was doing better than the African man who when his wife cried to be reassured of her husband’s love for her, responded by telling her, “The day I married you, I told you that I loved you. In case things have changed, I will let you know.”

Before you laugh at that man, let me shock you with the news that most of us men are exactly like that. Though we may not verbalize those same words, our actions say it. For most men, as long as they meet their financial obligations, are not beating their wives and are not cheating on them, their marriage is okay.What they don’t understand is that their wives don’t feel permanently loved once the vows are made. Yes, she knows you love her, but there are periodic times when her feelings need to be convinced and reassured.  

In case you as a woman has been wondering what is wrong with you, let me reassure you that you are very normal. Eighty percent (8 out of 10 women) acknowledge sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under 45, the percentage jumped to ninety-one percent, and among those with children in secondary school or younger, it was almost universal (that is a hundred percent).

Buried inside most women – even those in great relationships – is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them, and whether the relationship is okay. This sense of vulnerability may be under the surface of their minds, but when it is triggered, most women show signs of distress until the concern is resolved.

Let me end by leaving us with two key practical solutions that I have recently learned. First is regular reassurance. In the face of insecurity, reassure her. During conflict, reassure her of your love. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space – she needs a hug. If she needs to talk, do your best to listen without becoming defensive. Secondly, pursue persistently. Pursuit prevents a lot of her insecurity.