RESILIENCE

Last Sunday, I attended a Church service were a good friend of mine was taking over the leadership. He was welcomed with pomp and style in a very colorful ceremony. For me the highlight of this event was the special song sung by the Men choral entitled “I will bounce back”

This was a befitting song for this occasion, knowing what this friend of mine had been through hitherto this appointment. In life and in our relationships, we go through ups and downs and it’s our ability to bounce back from those downs that will determine whether we succeed or not. A Chinese philosopher once said, “Our greatest glory is not in never failing. Rather it is in rising every time we fall.” We so often like talking about our success stories, but so rarely do we talk about our failures and how we have bounced back from those failures. Being able to fall and rise again over and over is the core of what resilience is all about.

Talking about bouncing back and the ball, did you know no matter how many times a ball is thrown down it bounces back again and the harder the ball is thrown down the higher it bounces back. And that is what resilient people do, they reinvent themselves by adjusting and adapting to their new environment or in new roles after a major trauma, tragedy or failure. They have an attitude of perseverance and don’t easily give up. And that is exactly what this friend of mine was able to do, he never gave up or allowed himself to have a negative attitude in spite of the difficult time he has been through.

On the other hand, a punctured ball can never bounce back. When we allow our failures and tragedies to define who we are, and to kill our self-esteem, we like that flat ball can never bounce back. And so if you have failed your spouse, maybe you cheated on him/her, or if you have lost your job, a relationship or a loved one, remember you can bounce back like a ball. According to author Herta Von Stiegelin in her book “The Mountain Within”, 

“The people who bounce back best are those who decide that circumstances have failed them, not the other way around.”

 HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO YOUR SPOUSE?

Imagine your hubby or wife (mostly wife) has come from work or out and comes home excited about what transpired out there. They are excited and storm into your space with their excitement eager to share with you their story. How do you respond to them?

So often our response to our partner’s stories can either kill them or make them look forward to sharing their day with you. So often we hear cases where a couple wonder what happened to them because they no longer enjoy having conversations with each other. They instead prefer or look forward to sharing their stories and having those conversations with their colleagues at work or with that other person in their life. What started this lack of excitement in sharing with our spouse our excitement and stories? It just could be how we responded to them.

According to the Active Construction Responding Model by Gables, Reiss, Impett & Asher, 2004, our responses can send messages that are either active or passive, and constructive or destructive. For instance, if your wife comes to you as a husband telling you what new things the baby did today, or when you as a husband comes home excited about a presentation you made at work, here are different ways you as a husband or wife can respond to your spouse.

You can respond by

1.    Rejoicing with them and saying something like “Wow! That’s great! I’m so happy for you! Tell me more about it!” This is what they call a Nurturing or active constructive response.

2.    Being cold about it, not being moved by what you hear and only saying “Oh that is good”. This they call Cold or passive constructive response. You don’t out rightly rejoice with them neither do you shun them out rudely.

3.    Nicely telling them that “Sorry I don’t have time to listen to you right now”.  This they call Ignorant or passive destructive response

4.    Out rightly dismissing or belittling their excitement or story by saying “Only that! Or “You should have done better! Or ‘That’s something small” This they call Hurtfull or active destructive response.

Which of the above four best describe how you usually respond to your spouse?

When do you find yourself responding in a not so nurturing way?

What needs to change for you to respond in a nurturing way? 

THE WINNING FORMULA

The Senate has in the past couple of weeks been embroiled in a serious debate on the division of revenue to the 47 Counties. The debate has been on which formula to use, whether to apportion revenue based on the population of a County or on that land mass. There has been a call for a formula that will be a win-win for both sides of the divide.

So often we always want to safeguard our interests and will do anything to protect it. This is why resolving conflict in a relationship is always a challenge. No one wants to give in or give up their “rights”. While there are those who can bulldoze and have their way, there are others who easily yield and compromise their needs and values for the sake of the other. The latter may initially look like a good thing, but with time things implode and those seemingly quite partners end up doing things that leave many people including their spouse shocked.

The Senate has in the past couple of weeks been embroiled in a serious debate on the division of revenue to the 47 Counties. The debate has been on which formula to use, whether to apportion revenue based on the population of a County or on that land mass. There has been a call for a formula that will be a win-win for both sides of the divide.

So often we always want to safeguard our interests and will do anything to protect it. This is why resolving conflict in a relationship is always a challenge. No one wants to give in or give up their “rights”. While there are those who can bulldoze and have their way, there are others who easily yield and compromise their needs and values for the sake of the other. The latter may initially look like a good thing, but with time things implode and those seemingly quite partners end up doing things that leave many people including their spouse shocked.

Coming out with a win-win solution is the best way to resolve conflict. By saying a win-win solution, what do we actually mean? 

According to Kyle Benson of The Gottman Institute,

“When conflict happens, the key is to listen intently to your partner’s point of view, you let them know that you understand them, to ask them what they need, and to be willing to compromise. One way to do this is for each of you to identify your core needs and search, together, for where those needs overlap. Then you can find a common ground upon which to make decisions together.”

Going back to the debate on revenue allocation to the Counties, each side should realize that it is not about winning the debate in Senate, it’s about listening intently to each other. Similarly, in marriage, it’s not about winning an argument or having your way, it is about listening intently to your partner’s point of view, letting them know that you understand them and validating their needs and perspective. When you do so, they feel loved and the chances of you having a win-win solution and of the two of you remaining one are very high. 

Do you accept, understand and allow your partner’s perspective, needs and feelings into your decision-making process as a couple?

Marriage Spice: LADIES ARE YOU GIVING FAR MORE THAN YOU ARE RECEIV...

Marriage Spice: LADIES ARE YOU GIVING FAR MORE THAN YOU ARE RECEIV...: In working with many ladies in relationships, we find ourselves wondering why they seem to act desperate or needy in those relationships. ...

LADIES ARE YOU GIVING FAR MORE THAN YOU ARE RECEIVING?

In working with many ladies in relationships, we find ourselves wondering why they seem to act desperate or needy in those relationships. Even for some of those married ladies struggling in their marriages, looking back they realize some of the mistakes they made while dating that have led them to where they are now. You see ladies get married hoping that the guy will change, so they bend backwards to accommodate him and allow certain things to happen that later on come to haunt them. What they don't realize is that contrary to what they think or hope for, guys tend to remain the same if not get worse after saying "I Do".

So to help those ladies that are currently in a dating avoid such pitfalls, we are asking you to do this quiz to check if you are giving far more than you are receiving in your dating relationship. 

1. Do you feel guilty when you say no, or do you say no and then second-guess yourself? 

2. Do you often try to tell your partner that you want to be treated with respect? 

                               

3. Do you find yourself bartering or negotiating for what you want or need?      

4. Do you often pass up sleep or the need for personal time to meet his needs?       

5. Do you regularly see him on short notice or when it is convenient for him?      

6. Do you find that you repeat what you’ve asked for as though he didn’t hear it the first time?

      

 7. After a fight, are you always the first one to contact him or apologize?      

      

8. Do you find you are much more doting and affectionate than he is?   

    

9. Do you often feel depleted after being with him?   

    

10. Do you constantly want more attention or reassurance?   

    

 If you’ve answered yes to five or more of these ten questions, you are most likely giving far more than you are receiving in your relationship. 

SHOULD LADIES ALSO PURSUE GUYS?

I've been reading this week the book of Ruth, a small book in the Bible, just 4 Chapters nestled between Judges and 1 Samuel. This is an interesting story of a widow's love for her mother-in-law and eventually for the man she gets remarried to. The interesting thing in this fabulous story is the way Ruth with Naomi's great coaching, plays her cards so well to woo the most eligible Bachelor in town, Boaz to marry her.

"Can a woman also pursue a guy now that guys are not saying something?" is a question we are so often confronted with. This is a very dicey question that needs to be urgently addressed, especially in this day and age where many single ladies are wondering where the men are or what happened to the men. In Ruth's story Boaz notices her as she works in his farm and even inquires about her. But for some reason like our men today, Boaz is slow, he seems not to be saying or doing something about it. Ruth on the other hand wiggles her way into Boaz's heart and makes him pursue her eventually. The pursued becomes the pursuer when Boaz goes the whole hog to marry Ruth.

What caught Boaz's attention? Long before noticing Ruth, Boaz had heard a lot about her. She was the talk of the town because of how she stuck with her mother-in-law even after her husband's death. Her level of commitment was evident. That talks of character. Ladies it is your character that makes you attractive to a man more than even your beauty. Ladies what is your reputation at the office, in your neighborhood or even in Church? Secondly, Ruth was hanging around where Boaz was. Ladies are you hanging around the guy you want or you don't even have a clue on what his hobbies and interests are. How do you think he will notice you if you don't hang around his whereabouts? Thirdly, Ruth had a special relationship that helped and guided her in getting Boaz. Naomi was her coach. Ladies do you have someone who is coaching you on how to get "Mr. Right"?

The third point is so vital because so many ladies make major blunders in their pursuit for their "Boaz". They become a doormat, doing every wrong thing to try to please and keep their guy. Instead of making the guy turn around and pursue them, they make him flee. They are aggressive, push the guy to commit to marriage and that scares away many men. They don't patiently play their cards well. They openly show their emotions too soon and even think by giving him sex they will get him hooked. In the process of pursuing their Boaz, they push him away instead of pulling him in.

So to answer the million dollar question, the answer is yes, a lady can pursue a man but it's only in how she does it that matters. It requires a very delicate balance, like walking the tightrope and this is why it is so important to engage a "Naomi", a coaching relationship that will help you get your Boaz and thus fulfill your dream.

HOW DO YOU VALUE YOURSELF?

I recently read a post in my LinkedIn page about this Father who gifted her daughter his old wreck of a car to go and sell to start her life. She took the car to a nearby yard and the people there agreed to buy it for $1,000. She then took it to one of her friends who valued it for only $100. Almost giving up, she took it to the boys club and there one of the guys looked at the car, a serious brand though old, and offered her $100,000 for it. When she came back excited with the offer, her Dad told her something profound.

“My daughter, there are people who will value you for only $100, others will value you for $1,000 while there are those who will value you for $100,000, go where you are valued not where people just put up with you.”

That’s a very powerful life lesson. I have seen people who don’t know how much their value is allow themselves to be treated like trash be it at the workplace or in relationships. They fear standing up for themselves lest they lose their job or their relationship. Especially our single ladies, who endure toxic relationships where they are abused mentally and emotionally, sometimes even physically. Yet stick in that relationship for fear of starting all over again or of maintaining status. They don’t want to be seen to be single, OR want so badly to get married that they even go ahead and get married only to live miserably thereafter.

Last week in our blog, we talked about the person you really need to get married to. That person is yourself. Ladies if you don’t value yourself, how do you think someone else will? What we have come to observe in our over 15 years’ experience working with people in their relationships is the way most ladies cheapen themselves just to be in or to remain in a relationship. They feel that a relationship is what gives them value. And so no matter how badly they are treated on those relationships, they remain stuck there. What you desperately need single lady, is to rediscover your value. Because just like that car, it is only those people who really knew its value that were willing to pay the price for it.

Single lady, a guy who does not pursue you, doesn’t call you or just texts you when they want to take you for a date or you go to their place to wash his clothes, don’t value you. A guy who is non-committal, keeps you in suspense and is saying nothing does not value you. A guy who is shy to introduce you to his friends or family, doesn’t value you. You need to know your value and go only where you are valued not where you are just tolerated!