12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

5. Trying to Change Each Other

I don't know about you, but there are times when I feel that this marriage would just be nice if it weren't for my wife Grace. If only she would not be as particular as she always is, if only she would not be too conscientious, if only she would let it be and the list goes on and on. In our twenty three years of marriage I have tried hard to change Grace to my image in vain. It has been the most frustrating thing as each time I embark on this mission of trying to change her, I've been met with a lot of resistance. She has resisted like NASA was asking us to do.

Similarly Grace has also tried changing me into her image of a husband without success in some areas. She has ended up getting frustrated as a result of trying to change this rigid husband of hers. Many couples make the same mistake as each one tries to change the other into the person they want them to be. We all have come to the conclusion that it is a mission impossible. Only God can change us and as long as we make it our JD (Job Description) to change our spouse we are bound to not only fail, but end up getting frustrated.

According to Dave Willis, author of 12 habits that lead to divorce, when you try to “change” your spouse, you will BOTH end up frustrated. As you’ve probably learned already, you can’t change each other; you can only love each other. The only part of the marriage you have the power to change is the part you see when you look in the mirror. Be willing to change your responses to your spouse’s behavior. Look for ways to love and serve each other even when you have differences of perspective or preference. You’ll both probably end up “changing” for the better in the process.

THE 12 HABITS THAT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE

4. Putting the Marriage “On Hold” While Raising Kids

We once attended a marriage get together and when the ladies were asked the question “who is more important, your husband or your kids?” most of the ladies answered my kids. Some ladies will not dare say this as they will want to give a politically correct answer, but deep down inside they believe that their kids are more important than their husband. In dealing with husbands whose wives have decided to leave them and left with the children, it is always very clear that what most of them are really after is their children and not their hurting spouse. In fact many ladies in those situations are always suspicious that the only reason the man is seeking reconciliation is because he wants his children back.

Dave Willis in his article 12 habits leading to divorce states that “I’ve seen too many marriages fall apart because two well-meaning people put so much focus on their kids that they forgot to keep investing in the marriage. Some couples reduce their relationship to a partnership in co-parenting, and when the kids finally grow up; they discover that they have created an empty nest and an empty marriage. Give your children the gift that comes from seeing their parents in a loving, thriving marriage. Model the kind of marriage that will make your kids excited to be married someday.”

We couldn’t put it any better. You see husband and wife; children are not the reason for marriage they are a product of it. The only covenant one makes is with their spouse not their children nor with their parent. Children will grow up and leave you but your spouse is there to stay. What happens when the children leave? If you don’t work on and prioritize your relationship as husband and wife now, when the children are gone you will wake up to the reality that you are only two strangers putting up together. It will be too late then to start working on your relationship.

So don’t put your marriage on hold just because of the children, let the children know in words and in deeds that your relationship, your spouse comes first before them. If you were to chose between your kids and your spouse you would chose your spouse just like one day they will chose their spouse before you. Guys remember the best thing you can do for those kids is to love their mother, and the best thing lady you can do for your kids, is to admire and respect their Dad.

ARE YOU SERVING YOUR SPOUSE "LEFTOVERS"?

Nobody likes to eat “leftovers”, we all love and look forward to that freshly made ugali or those hot chapos from the pan. But unfortunately in marriage, we usually serve each other leftovers. What do I mean by that? Now I'm not talking about real food here but how we treat each other as husband and wife.

We so often give our employer, our Church fellowship and the boys or girls our best time and energies reserving very little or no energy for our spouse. As husbands by the time we get home we are totally zoned out that we cannot engage our wives in any meaningful conversation. Wives on the other hand can give themselves to others, the visitors who came calling or the children, that by the time they are going to bed they are totally maxed out giving their hubbies a raw deal in bed.

According to Dave Willis author of the 12 habits that lead to Divorce, “Some couples have what I call a “cable company marriage.” Have you ever noticed how Cable TV companies seem to give you their very best deals and service at the beginning of the relationship but then after the “introductory period” ends, they give you as little as possible to still keep you around? Some married couples were great at giving their best at the beginning of the relationship, but as time goes on, they start giving the leftovers."

As married couples, why don’t we strive to keep giving our best to each other even beyond this Valentine period. Let’s come up with creative ideas that will keep the fire burning in our marriages (in fact let us hear some ideas from you that might help us and other couples keep the fire burning). Then let's be deliberate in ensuring that each day or week or month we implement those ideas in our marriage. Remember that it is important those things be focused on your spouse, what they love and find exciting? What they have wished for or are yearning for.

Let us go back to our first love, remember that first date, that first kiss, how you used to go out together, how sex was something you looked forward to. May we develop a habit of preparing a fresh meal for each other and quit giving each other leftovers this month. 

THE 12 HABITS THAT LEAD TO DIVORCE (Part II)

2. Constant Criticism

When you get a warning light on your car’s dashboard, it means there’s something wrong under the hood that needs immediate attention. According to Dave Willis, “One of the biggest “warning lights” in a marriage is a tone of constant criticism. When a husband and wife start being each other’s biggest critics instead of the biggest encouragers and when they start focusing only on the negative instead of the positive, it creates a downward spiral that often leads to divorce”.

Grace and I have found ourselves sometimes focusing only on the negative, what she didn’t do or what I always do wrong instead of focusing on each other’s positives. Those of us who are old school are familiar with the word “negatives”. Remember how photography was before the digital age? We used to take pictures with a camera but you would not get the image immediately. One had to wait for the negative to be developed. This was a film like thing that had to be kept in the dark and developed with some chemicals in order to get the image. Similarly in marriage, we get to the place of constant criticism when we spend most of our time in the dark room developing negatives about each other.

So how do we overcome this habit? We must intentionally and deliberately catch ourselves “developing those negatives” about each other. Instead start countering them by noting all the positive attributes of your spouse. Of course of all those nine things that they did or are doing wrong, there must be at least one thing that they did right or are good at. Focus a little bit on who they are, or what attracted you to them in the first place. If you look critically, you won’t miss something nice about them. Here is what you can join me in doing for the next 21 days this month. Each day write down one thing that you really appreciate about your spouse. Describe why you appreciate them for that thing. Don’t share it with them until at the end of the exercise.

When done present them with your findings and you will be surprised at how happy and grateful they will be. Not just for them, but you will be surprised at how your attitude toward them will change. And you know what, you will have changed a bad habit, that of constantly complaining and criticizing them to one of appreciating them. After all they say that to change a habit you need to do something consistently for at least 21 days. When we constantly criticize our spouse, we devalue them but when we begin to appreciate them they do just that, they appreciate not depreciate in our eyes. Here’s to you for a happy marriage.

The 12 habits that lead to divorce

Happy New Year friends, it’s yet another year and as we begin the year many people are busy planning and setting goals for the year. In the midst of all the planning and goal setting we wonder how many couples have taken time to think and plan about their relationship.

At the beginning of 2011, the NAIROBIAN had this very interesting headline, “Will your Marriage survive in 2011?” The article went on to elaborate how many marriages were breaking down in the city due to the current trends and stress of city life. To answer this question, we found this article by Dave Willis on “The 12 habits that lead to divorce” a timely solution to the marriage crisis we are facing. We will share with you one habit each week in an attempt to help us not only ensure that our marriage survives in 2018 and beyond but actually thrives. If you find yourself a culprit to any one of these habits, don’t be condemned but please ensure that you come up with some action plans to change that habit in 2018.

Here are the 12 habits-;

1. Holding Grudges and “Keeping Score”

Dave Willis says that “If you’ve been married longer than 15 minutes, chances are good that your spouse has done something to offend you and you’ve done something to offend him/her. When our words or actions cause harm, we need to be quick to admit fault and seek forgiveness. When your spouse has wronged you, you need to offer grace quickly so that trust can start being rebuilt and there’s no room for bitterness to take root in your heart. Don’t use past hurts as ammunition in arguments. Let grace flow freely in your marriage. No marriage can survive without it”.

Dave is absolutely right, in our experience working with married couples we have seen how this can affect and kill a marriage. Last year the International Christian Centre Church invited us to speak on the subject “NO GRUDGES”, and we were amazed just preparing for those speaking engagements and from the reactions thereafter at how much grudge we have with each other as spouses. We have not fully understood and embraced the whole idea of forgiveness. We want to hold on the grudge and “keep score”. Revenge is sweat to our carnal nature, we want to punish our spouse foe what they did to us.

Granted we have been hurt, and we may feel our spouse deserves to suffer for it. But what we fail to realize is that in not forgiving and allowing bitterness to take root in our hearts, we are only hurting and killing ourselves not just our spouse. So as we begin the year, why don’t you determine in your heart and actually forgive your spouse for the wrong they did you. Be specific tell them what it is you are forgiving them for. Forgiveness is an act of grace, a gift of love, your spouse can’t work for it, your spouse can’t earn it neither can they perfect their performance in order to deserve it. Grace is simply a gift, why don’t you start the year by giving your spouse that gift!

You know what, it takes two to tango, or tangle, you too may have hurt them by the way you reacted to them or for what made them do what they did to you. Why don’t you ask them for forgiveness by -;

·         admitting that yes “I was wrong, I’m sorry”,

·         committing not to hurt them like that again “I don’t want to hurt you like this again”

·         requesting them to forgive you “Will you forgive me?”

NO GRUDGES PART IV

On this part of the series NO GRUDGES, we want to talk about a topic that is so often misunderstood and yet is very vital to ensure that we don't have grudges in our marriage. And that is forgiveness. Let us start by clarifying what forgiveness is by defining first what it is not.

Forgiveness is NOT, -

Forgetting - this where most of us struggle with forgiveness because we have been made to feel or think that forgiveness means I completely forget what my spouse did to me however painful it is. No, when we forgive someone according to Lewis Smedesin his book Forgive and Forget, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgiveness came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come with a violin. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive preciously because you have not forgotten what someone did. 

Easy, it takes a lot of grace to forgive someone who has hurt you especially your spouse. Forgiveness may be difficult, but it is never impossible in God's strength. It takes a lot of effort and dying to ourselves to forgive.

A feeling, you will or may never feel like forgiving your spouse. It's an act of the will, its a choice that you make and even after making that choice to forgive you may still not feel like it. So don't wait until you feel like it, choose to forgive and you know what? your feelings will soon follow albeit reluctantly.

Pretending that nothing happened then wishing it away. We must accept and admit that yes we were hurt, that thing actually happened but I choose to forgive.

Excusing the wrong or belittling it.

An event but a process. Just like we were recently reminded by our supreme court, an election is not an event, it is a process, and so is forgiveness. Yes it starts with making that choice but continues as you continue to talk and process what it is that offended you. We forgive in layers as someone rightly put it. 

So what is forgiveness? What does it look like? Don't miss our next blog as we look into what forgiveness looks like. 

NO GRUDGES PART III

On our last blog we began talking about Self regulation. Self regulation is all about managing your emotions as this is where so often end up hurting our spouse. Self regulation has got to do with dealing with our anger, watching our reaction to our spouse pressing the button in our lives. And we do this by checking our self talk, what we tell ourselves when we are hurt, disappointed or frustrated but so often is not true. What we tell ourselves stirs up certain emotions in us that lead to certain behaviors that hurt our marriage.

On this blog we want to go beyond just the self awareness to action. After becoming aware of your feelings and where they are coming from, what do you do? First is to begin to change your self talk. Catch yourself whenever you start telling yourself those negative things that stir up those emotions that leads to that behavior that is ruining your marriage. Ask yourself is this the truth? Are they always like this? Have they never done this and that for me? What about that time when they said or did this and that to me? What about that time when they were so nice to me? How did that make you feel? As you begin to counter your thoughts with those good memories you will find your emotions changing being transformed from fear to love resulting in good behavior towards your spouse.

Secondly, instead of being judgmental you will become compassionate towards them. You will empathize with them so that instead of wanting to punish them and revenge you end up forgiving them and reaching out to them. That is how we can turn a potentially dangerous situation into a an opportunity to get to know each other better and thus become intimate with each other in marriage.