Thursday, November 10, 2011

LONELY BUT NOT ALONE


Over 5 years ago a lady I was counseling e-mailed to me and her husband a very interesting article which I came across the other day. Here is part of what it said, 

“I used to get annoyed when middle-aged men claimed their wives did not understand them. What a transparently false excuse for being dissatisfied with one’s wife! Men freely admit to being mystified about women, but men are easy to understand, and women, being more perspective, can read their partners like a book, right? Wrong!

The article goes on to say, “Then I started counseling women who had been married for 20 years or more (I haven’t gotten there yet). I was staggered to discover that although they loved their husbands and in one sense knew them thoroughly, there was indeed a real sense in which they didn’t understand their husbands". As a man how I have wished severally that "if only Grace would understand me". What many women don’t ‘gich’ is that that is many a man’s cry.

In a survey done, marrieds were asked to name their best friends. Women typically named another woman, whereas most men named their wives or confessed to their being no one in their entire world that they could call their best friend. This isolates how isolated men are, and how dependent they are on their wives for companionship. There simply seems to be something about male that causes this aloneness. Men can be with the crowds, the boys, but still be all alone.

This is a basic phenomenon that is even found in the animal kingdom. In a wide range of animal species, females generally group together with each other and with the young, whereas the mature males are loners, usually relating to their own species only to fight with other males or to mate with the females.

The typical husband’s reliance upon his wife for companionship and emotional support makes it a chilling experience when he finally concedes she feels incapable of understanding him. Can you imagine how devastating it is to feel there is no one on the planet who knows and understands you to the degree that you crave and deserve? 

The inability of most men to get close to each other usually leaves him feeling unable to turn to anyone for solace, unless it be another woman. He is pressured either to try that, or try to protect himself from further hurt and disappointment by withdrawing somewhat from his wife and hope he can bury his pain in his job or other activities. When this happens, wives start complaining; never dreaming of the role they have played in making their husband’s act in this way.

The failure of wives to understand their men causes me to wonder how many men understand themselves. Yes, they know what they feel, but do they know why they feel that way? It’s the why that brings real understanding. It opens the way for change and a deeper oneness in relationships.

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