HEART MATTERS

How do we honor our spouse and our marriage?  It all begins in the heart. Solomon one of the wisest men who ever lived exhorts us in proverbs 4:23 that “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Why did he say that? Every word we speak and every action we take flows from our heart. Our thoughts and beliefs determine what we say and do.

One of the things that happen to us in marriage is that with time we allow the wrong stuff about our spouse to enter our hearts so that we have negative thoughts and beliefs about them. In dealing with couples Grace and I will often hear words like “My husband can’t change”; “You don’t know my wife”; “My wife is against me” or “My wife is always nagging me”; “My husband is lazy” and so on. For those of us who are analog, you can remember the old way we took pictures; you had to take the negative to be developed to get your picture. It wasn’t instant as we do today with the digital cameras. Similarly in our marriages, we spend a lot of time in the dark room developing a lot of negative thoughts and beliefs about each other.

What do you believe about your spouse? Common be honest. According to Gary Smalley in an article for Focus on the Family entitled “Honoring Your Spouse”; the answer to the question “What do you believe about your spouse?” determines everything about your marriage. What you think about your spouse on a regular basis forms beliefs in your heart.  Once these beliefs take root, they guide all your words and actions. What you believe about your spouse determines the quality of your conversations and time together. If you believe that they are a nag, or that they are not interesting then that will determine the quality of your conversations and time together. If you have those negative thoughts and beliefs about your spouse, you should start by examining your heart.

What things have you allowed into your heart?  True and lasting change begins with a change of heart. And once that is done, you need to continuously guard your heart for it is indeed the wellspring of life and of your marriage. Do due diligence to ensure that you don’t allow anything negative to pollute your thoughts and beliefs towards your spouse. When we think positively about them and our marriage, we will indeed have a great marriage for as a man or woman thinks in his/her heart, so is he/her spouse and their marriage.

HOW MUCH IS YOUR SPOUSE WORTH?

We recently read about this guy who was selling his wife for 900,000. That is how much he valued his wife. I remember many years ago when I went to pay dowry for my wife Grace telling her that she was worth more than the number of cows her  family demanded that we give them. Fast forward after many years of marriage I have found that I sometimes don’t treat Grace with such value. It is as if I’m now willing to sell her at 50% off sale price.

Unfortunately in many marriages, with time we have this tendency of taking each other and our marriage relationship for granted. We invest in everything else except our relationship with each other. We can pay anything for our health, we are quick to see the doctor if we suspect something wrong with our health but hardly see a Therapist or Counselor when things are not right in our marriage. We treat other people more importantly than our spouse. We give them our time and attention, compliment them, spend a lot on them as men but when it comes to our spouse we are mean. As ladies we remove our best china cutlery for the Pastor or that honored guest but yet serve our husband on that ordinary melamine plate. That’s how we take each other for granted instead of honoring each other.

We honor our stars be they a famous footballer, an artist, Politician or our Pastor. You should hear people talk about their heroes; we have posters of them everywhere and even tattoo them on our bodies. You should see how some Christians treat their Bishops and Pastors as if they were God Himself. Some of us will even kill you for talking negatively about our Political Leader. But when it comes to our spouse, we allow them to be roasted by our families; we treat them as an ordinary “mwanainchi”. We do this not consciously but unknowingly.

What is honor? According to marriage Counselor Dr. Gary Smalley, the Greek word for honor means “the amount at which something is valued.”  How much do you value your spouse? Dr. Gary Smalley goes ahead to say that “Honor is a decision to express high value, worth, and importance on another person, viewing that person as a priceless gift, and respectively granting him or her a place in our lives”. Is that how we treat our spouse?  Do you consider him or her as a priceless gift? Do you grant him or her the highest place in your life? Why don’t we decide to do that this year? This can be a good New Year’s resolution. Determine to deliberately treat your spouse and your relationship with them with honor after all “Marriage should be honored by all.” (Hebrews 13;4).

THERE'S HOPE

They were an old couple who had been married for quite some time now but they had no children. They had seen many gynecologists and tried many things even fasted and prayed but to no avail. Some brethren in their church had even suggested that maybe it was because of some sin, lack of faith, or something that they were doing or not doing that God was not pleased with. But Zack and his wife Liz were both righteous before God walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. Why do bad things happen to good people? Well I don’t purport to know the reason as to why.

Zack didn’t let this fact dampen his spirit and though year after year he thought this would be the year, nothing happened. He didn’t allow this to discourage him from faithfully serving God in his church. Then voila! One day as he was serving faithfully at his place of duty bang! And angel appeared to him and gave him a wonderful message that his wife Liz would conceive and bear him a son. This was too good to be true. Zack had almost lost hope that such a thing would happen. In fact he was so full of unbelief that God struck him with dumbness lest he continue speaking his doubts instead of the promise of God.

As we come to the end of 2016, I don’t know how your year has been. Maybe like this couple Zack and Liz, you have believed God for something for many years but are still barren. You have no “child” and both you and your wife/hubby are well stricken in years. It seems like it might never happen but our encouragement to you is this “Fear not, for your prayer is heard…” Know for sure that whatever it is that you desire and have been praying for, your prayer is heard. He (God) has heard you.

Secondly we know that God has spoken certain things to you. What has God told you? What has He spoken to you about? You see God’s words for you shall be fulfilled in their season. There is always a season for everything. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to plow and a time to reap, so don’t you worry, you might have been in the season of weeping and plowing, but your season of reaping and rejoicing is about to come. So hang in there your season is coming.

Thirdly, don’t despair. Don’t lose hope. No matter how long it has been, God can turn things around in a minute. There is hope our God is a God of restoration. He will restore to you all those years that the caterpillars have eaten. Maybe you have waited so long to have a baby, maybe you have waited so long to be married. Maybe you have waited soooooooooo long for a job or to start your business, build your own house or whatever it is. Be encouraged by the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth this holiday season, no matter how long there is hope. Have a hope filled 2017, Happy New Year!

THIS MAN JOSEPH

As we celebrate Christmas one of the narratives that greatly inspires me is that of Joseph the foster Father of Jesus and Mary’s husband.  Imagine here is the Youth Leader of a Church going out with one of the young ladies in the Choir. They have been dating for some time now and are now engaged to be married. But one his fiancée text him telling him that they need to urgently meet as there is something important she wants to share with him. And so he makes time and they meet at one of the Javas in the City Center. There she breaks the sad news that she is pregnant and claims that her pregnancy is a special one. The Youth Leader is obviously disappointed knowing how he has tried very much not to get physical with his fiancée and knowing how strict their church is. What will the elders say? Who will believe their story?  Should he exonerate himself from this fiasco after all he is innocent and it is his fiancée who will carry the shame.

But this man Joseph the Bible says was a just man. He was such a good man that he wasn’t willing to publicly accuse Mary of adultery. In those days, once you were betrothed to get married to a certain man you were to remain faithful until the day of your wedding. If for any reason you had sex with someone else and got pregnant or were caught, then you were supposed to be brought before the elders and would be stoned to death for this. Your husband-to-be would then be free to marry someone else. This is what Joseph could have subjected Mary to because on his side he was clean.

Mary was the culprit and whereas you and I can today understand the virgin birth, it was not that easy to believe this then. It was going to be a hard story to sell. Who would believe Mary anyway that what she was carrying was of the Holy Spirit? So even before the angel of the Lord had appeared to him, Joseph being the just man that he was, had planned to secretly put her away. The message Bible puts it thus, “Joseph, chagrined (feeling of disappointment and annoyance) but noble, determined to take care of things quietly so Mary could not be disgraced.”

Obviously Joseph was disappointed with his bride-to-be, but he was noble, he was a just man so he determined to take care of things quietly. How many men like Joseph do we have today who will even though disappointed that the lady they wanted to marry has a child, or got pregnant, will still want to take care of things for her? Instead we have men who will want to publicly disgrace the lady who has said no to them lying and saying many bad things about them.  Even when it is clear that they have impregnated the lady they don’t want to take responsibility instead accusing the lady of trapping them. No wonder we are a country of “dead-beat” dads.

How many men when they hear that the lady they are dating has a child out of wedlock will want to continue with that relationship? How many of us married men will cover and protect our wives from our relatives who are baying for her blood for a “mistake” she did? Will we like Joseph determine to take care of things quietly or will we join the crowd in shouting crucify her. We need men like Joseph, men who are willing to take responsibility, men who are determined to take care of things quietly to protect their women, men who are committed to stick with their women no matter what, and yes men who are just and noble.

HAVE YOU REALLY LEFT?

Leaving and cleaving is one of the requirements for husband and wife becoming one in marriage. Whereas it is easy to leave geographically except in a few cultures like the Indian community, leaving psychologically can sometimes prove tricky. Completely detaching from our family of origin and not allowing their interference in our marriage can be a tall order.

Many married men and women left geographically but didn't actually leave psychologically. They still owe their allegiances to their parents instead of to each other. They still seek advice from them and it is what they say that carries more weight than what their spouse wants. They are more concerned about their parents or even siblings well-being than their spouse's. They spend a lot on their family than on their immediate family. These are some of the things that are breaking our marriages today.

But even more dangerous and subtle is the effect of how our parents treated or didn't treat us. Many of us don't even know the impact of some of those things that happened to us as children. We grow up with coping mechanisms that have enabled us survive the pain that thing had on us that we fail to see their impact on our marriage. Father wounds and mother wounds have such a great impact on us and yet we tend to minimize it. If for example as a lady your Father left your mother and abandoned you as a family, you will constantly live with a fear of being left by your husband. So you will either one, be constantly insecure in the relationship because of what you saw happen to your mother. Or two, you will constantly be fighting and wanting out so that what befell your mum doesn't befall you.

The effect of that also leaves you as a lady with a low self-esteem because that wound left you with this message, you are not worth fighting for. Guys are equally affected as a similar situation may leave them not sure if they have what it takes. So they may turn out to be violent as that may be the only way they may have an upper hand over their woman. It is until we realize the impact of what those wounds from our parents had on us and we deal with them we shall not leave and cleave as we were meant to. Leaving behind those wounds, leaving behind that hatred or fear is what is required  in order to have an intimate relationship with our spouse.

THE DOMINANT WOMAN (Part 2)

A story is told about this Pastor who wanted to demonstrate how loving the men in his church were. So one Sunday morning he asked all the men to move to one side of the aisle. All the men except one man moved to one side of the isle. The Pastor was not happy with all the men who moved but was very impressed by this one man who remained seated next to his wife. And so he asked him why he hadn’t moved and this was the man’s response, “Sir, I really wanted to move but my wife dared me to move. She told me that if I moved I should know where I’m going after the service.” So the man didn’t move simply because he loved his wife but rather because he feared her threat.

There are women who can scare the socks out of many men (though the men won’t admit it). One of our most popular blogs was the one on THE DOMINANT WOMAN where we talked about how this lady Cathy had completely dominated her husband Dave in their marriage. Whereas society condemns and vilifies such women, what they don’t know and even the ladies themselves don’t know is that this is a symptom of a deeper underlying issue.

According to John and Stasi Elderedge in their book “The Captivating Woman” the major issue here is that these women want to be in control that’s why they are domineering. This problem begun from the very beginning with the fall of man. Fallen Eve controls her relationships. She refuses to be vulnerable. If she cannot secure her relationships, then she kills her heart’s longing for intimacy so that she will be safe and in control. She becomes a woman “who doesn’t need anyone-especially a man.” Far too many women forfeit their femininity in order to feel safe and in control. Their strength feels more masculine than feminine. There is nothing alluring, nothing inviting, and nothing tender or merciful about them. By living a controlling and domineering life, they are really refusing to trust God and something precious in them is also lost.