GREAT MARRIAGES DON'T JUST HAPPEN (Part 3)

There were Five Frogs on the side of a pond. Four decided to jump into the water, how many were left? Think carefully before answering this question. The immediate answer that comes into your mind is obviously 1, right? Wrong, the answer is 5. Why? You see we are only told that the Four Frogs decided to jump into the water but we are not told that they actually did.

Deciding to do something and actually doing it are two different things. Many times I have got these good intentions to do something romantic and special for my wife like, take her out for a date night, just take off from work and hang out with her, or even take her to the movies. But it remains just that, a good thought, good intentions. I have decided to do it but don’t follow through to actually do it. And this gap between good intentions and actualizing them is what differentiates an average marriage from a great one.

Closing that gap between what you have decided to do especially after reading a good book or article like this one on marriage, or even attending a marriage retreat, and actually doing it is what will guarantee you a great marriage. This is what we help many couples do in coaching them in their marriages. We have seen that in helping them put their plans on paper and then holding them accountable to take those action steps helps move their relationship from one level to another.

So don’t just sit there deciding that you are going to jump into your water whatever that may look like for you in your marriage. Go the extra mile and actually do it. Start now, don’t wait for the right time, begin now to work on your marriage. Know where you want to improve on. Work on specifics; don’t just say we want a better marriage. Identify the area you want to work on, find the resources you need to help you improve and then find someone who can hold you accountable to see you follow through on what you have decided to work on.

Yours for a better marriage!

GREAT MARRIAGES JUST DON'T HAPPEN (Part 2)

In our last blog we talked about the assumption that our marriage will grow automatically. We learned that relationships and more so marriage are easy if we just work hard at them. They prosper when and where they are attended to. You must engage the gear it’s not an automatic car.

The second trap that we do fall in is the lack of knowledge one. Not knowing how to do certain things like, how to communicate effectively, how to romance your spouse, how to have a fulfilling sex life, how to meet each other’s needs. These things again don’t just come naturally or automatically. They have to be learned. There are several books that can help you in the different areas of your marriage, there is the net, there are Marriage Seminars and Retreats organized by people like us where you get to learn some of these things. And you just don’t learn for information sake, you learn so as to put into practice.

The more you practice it, the more it becomes a skill that you use to grow your marriage. What we have observed with many couples is that they lack the basic skills especially communication and conflict resolution skills that would have saved their marriage. It is not just a matter of the heart as many couples wish for and pray for a good marriage, but it is also a matter of applying the right skills to have that kind of marriage that you desire. Of course it must first start with a desire because skills without desire, without the heart can lead to manipulation or doing things mechanically. No one wants that in their marriage.

So having the desire to grow your marriage,

·         What skills do you lack?

·         What do you need to do to learn those skills?

·         Where are you going to learn those skills from?

GREAT MARRIAGES DON'T JUST HAPPEN (Part 1)

Contrary to popular belief great marriages don’t just happen. It’s not just about marrying the right person for even those who thought they had married the right person and did nothing about their marriage ended up separating or having an average marriage. It’s not about wishing for and praying for a great marriage that makes it happen. For if wishes were true beggars would ride and there are some things in life that God will not do, you must do them yourself.

So what makes a great marriage? A great marriage is a life time process. Marriage is like a marathon not a sprint, so it’s not about how great you started but how you finish that matters. A great marriage takes intentionality, being deliberate to do what needs to be done to make your marriage work.  So often we assume that our marriages will grow automatically without much effort on our part. What we fail to realize is that a sailboat just allowed to follow the wind won’t end up where you intended.  

You must paddle it to the desired destination and that takes work. Paddling your boat or may I say your relationship involves doing some things that you may not be comfortable with. It may mean humbling yourself as a man to apologize to your wife. It may mean dear lady submitting to your husband even when you feel he’s not worth submitting to. It may mean investing some money in going out somewhere for a retreat just the two of you.  It may mean working through your issues to resolve that conflict.

Begin now to work on a better marriage; don’t wait for the right time. Now is the time, don’t procrastinate that date, don’t postpone that talk, don’t wait until you get a bonus to take her out. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Determine to do something this weekend, this week, this month that will transform your marriage.  

 Remember “The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; grass is greener where you water it. Relationships prosper when and where they are attended to.”

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Have you heard the statement “What a man can do a Woman can do better”. This seems to be the new mantra for empowered women in the market place. But how does this play out in relationships and marriage in particular? Are women usurping the man’s responsibility in the home and where are the men? Why are men afraid to commit and is it okay for a woman to approach a man?

Did you know that besides infidelity and money, the fight for equality is emerging as the "modern" cause of marriage breakdowns in Kenya, more so among women? And that 76 percent of men in Kenya who are divorced or separated say that they walked out of their marriages because their wives had become argumentative and disrespectful.

Come join us as we have a cup of Tea with Mum on Friday 8th July at Marble Arch Hotel over a conversation around this topic. In that discussion we will endeavor to find out-;

• Why are we having this problem (the battle of the sexes)?
• What was the original plan?
• How does an empowered successful woman remain submissive to her husband and how can a man lead and love such a woman in the 21^st Century?

IF I COULD DO IT ALL AGAIN

 John Dresser wrote a book titled, "If I Could Do It All Again." In it he shares 8 things that he would do differently if he could go through his years of being a father all over again. Here is what he wrote:

1. "First of all, if I could do it all over again, I would love my wife more, because by loving my children's mother more, I would create an environment of security in our home. Our love would be something they could see something they would never have to worry about."

2. "Second, I would laugh more. I would relax & enjoy my children & laugh at their antics. I would spend more time with them & enjoy being a father."

3. "Third, I would present a more realistic model for my children to follow. I would be honest with them about myself. I would let them know that I had problems in school, too, that I stumbled, & made mistakes, & failed.

"I would let them know that I understand, & that they can come to me when they fail, because I have been there as well."

4. "Fourth, I would listen to what they say. I would listen to their pains & problems & worries & concerns. I would listen when they wanted to talk to me, because now I realize that if I listen to them when they are small, & to their little problems, then when they are big, & have big problems, they will still come & talk with me."

5. "Fifth, I would stop praying so much for my family because a father's prayers so often sound something like this, 'God, make my son & daughter good people. Help them to succeed in school. Help them to find the right person to marry. Take care of & protect them.'

"Instead, I would start praying more for myself, that I might be the right kind of father, realizing that when I become the right kind of father, my children will probably be the right kind of children."

6. "Sixth, I would pay more attention to little things. I would begin to appreciate the touch of love & the word of encouragement. So many times we fathers are quick to criticize their failures, & so slow to praise & encourage them when they do something right."

7. "Seventh, I would create an environment of belonging. I would want my children to know that they belong, & that they are important family members, because I realize that there are going to be people saying to them, 'Join this & join that.' But if they have a solid identity in the home & in the family they will not easily be led astray."

8. "Last, but certainly not least, I would make God an intimate friend of my family. I would use His name freely. I would communicate to them that He is involved in all our family decisions. I would want them to see me pray & read God's Word & search for His direction & leadership." So wrote John Dresser.

Folks, if I had my life to live over again, I think I would try very seriously to improve in those 8 areas, too.