THERE IS HOPE EVEN IN THE MIDST OF DESPAIR

An affair is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage. It completely affects your relationship and if not handled well has the potential of killing it and greatly affecting one’s life. My intention here is obviously not to advocate for affairs as they cause a lot of pain to not just the betrayed party but also to the offender. And so let me ask you, is there hope in marriage even after an affair?

I don't know what you answer to that question is. There are those who say that this is the only grounds for a divorce. And so they say that if they find out that their spouse cheated on them they will divorce them. If that be the case where is the place of forgiveness? Now I know that whether or not a marriage can survive an affair is dependent on many things the most important being the guilty party owning up and taking responsibility for their mess and truly showing fruits worthy of of repentance.

Research carried out in the US to find out what decision couples who had been hit by an affair made, revealed that 54% decided to stay married, 19% decided to divorce while 26% were undecided. In our experience working with couples who have found themselves in such circumstances, we have also seen that if there is a willingness for both parties to work at it, they can recover from the affair. Not only can they recover from that affair but it can end up completely transforming their relationship that the couple become more intimate than ever before.

In the coming blogs we will look at some of the things these couples have done to not only recover but to go beyond the recover.

PRINCIPLE # 9

FRIENDSHIP

In our experience working with couples it always amazes us how two people can be married and yet be living separate lives. They have very little in common, don’t enjoy each others company and are not friends.  They fell in love with each other, got married quickly but never developed their friendship. They were just lovers but not friends.

You see relationships should progress from one stage into the next naturally. We should first begin with a friendship that leads into a courtship and then if all goes well into marriage. It is at the friendship stage that we get to know each others’ likes and dislikes. We get to know their interests, their hobbies, their values, their families, where they are coming from, what their strengths and weaknesses are, what their dreams are and so on. It is an important stage of the relationship because if one is very keen, it is at this stage that you can be able to make an informed choice whether or not to move this relationship forward to the next level.

Unfortunately many of us miss this very important stage in a relationship and rush things through instead of allowing them to grow organically. We rush into courtship which itself is rushed into co-habitation or engagement then later on in life we start discovering that we really have very little in common. The relationship becomes strained and we continue to live together for the sake of family, our parents and the children we have. So we live unhappily ever after no wonder we start looking for something or someone outside our marriage that can excite us.

Marriages that are built on strong friendships have a higher chance of outliving those that are not.  Grace's advice to singles planning to get married is usually this, “marry a friend not just a lover”. Couples who are not just lovers but friends tend to enjoy each others company, have a lot in common and experience true companionship which really is the purpose of marriage.

PRINCIPLE # 9

FRIENDSHIP

In our experience working with couples it always amazes us how two people can be married and yet be living separate lives. They have very little in common, don’t enjoy each others company and are not friends.  They fell in love with each other, got married quickly but never developed their friendship. They were just lovers but not friends.

You see relationships should progress from one stage into the next naturally. We should first begin with a friendship that leads into a courtship and then if all goes well into marriage. It is at the friendship stage that we get to know each others’ likes and dislikes. We get to know their interests, their hobbies, their values, their families, where they are coming from, what their strengths and weaknesses are, what their dreams are and so on. It is an important stage of the relationship because if one is very keen, it is at this stage that you can be able to make an informed choice whether or not to move this relationship forward to the next level.

Unfortunately many of us miss this very important stage in a relationship and rush things through instead of allowing them to grow organically. We rush into courtship which itself is rushed into co-habitation or engagement then later on in life we start discovering that we really have very little in common. The relationship becomes strained and we continue to live together for the sake of family, our parents and the children we have. So we live unhappily ever after no wonder we start looking for something or someone outside our marriage that can excite us.

Marriages that are built on strong friendships have a higher chance of outliving those that are not.  Grace advice to singles planning to get married is normally this,  “marry a friend not just a lover”. Couples who are not just lovers but friends tend to enjoy each others company, have a lot in common and experience true companionship which really is the purpose of marriage.

PRINCIPLE # 8

Ability to resolve conflict

It was Bishop T.D.Jakes while making the movie “Not Easily Broken” who said that, “We got to do something to sustain our relationships. We are losing our ability to survive conflict in our own homes”. We couldn’t agree more with him as from our own experience in dealing with married couples; it is this inability to resolve conflict that is destroying many marriages.

Our attitude in conflict is first and foremost wrong. We are not willing to humble ourselves and admit that we could be wrong. We fail to have an attitude of teamwork instead dealing with each other as adversaries. It’s me against you instead of us against whatever it is that is coming in between us to put us asunder. When we fail to have a team spirit we end up scoring in our own goal. We should have a win-win attitude and not a win-lose one where at the end of it all we both leave happy. We all especially the men like to win, but what does it profit us to win an argument and lose our spouse?

We often times miss the mark because we are dealing with the fruit instead of the root causes. What sometimes we think is the problem, money, sex or in-laws is not the problem. There are many underlying issues that are the cause of the problem. Being aware of these underlying issues like our fears, unfulfilled expectations and unmet needs goes a long way in helping us understand not just ourselves but our spouse. The goal of conflict resolution is not that we come to an agreement, as we will not always agree, but rather to an understanding.

Understanding where my spouse is coming from and why she is reacting the way he or she is will help a lot in conflict resolution. Listening well to understand, providing a safe environment where we feel safe to open up and where our feelings are validated helps a lot in resolving conflict. Failure to listen well and to communicate well escalates conflict rather than d-escalate it.

Being sensitive to each others needs is also paramount. When upset, a wife should not criticize or deal with her husband contemptuously as this makes him feel disrespected and this in turn demotivates him. On the other hand by withdrawing or stonewalling his wife, a man makes his wife feel rejected and this adds fuel to the fire.

PRINCIPLE # 7

Live a shared Life

Marriage is the most comprehensive form of shared life that a human being can ever experience. But unfortunately many couples end up living independent parallel lives even though they still claim to be married. They don’t have a common vision for their family, their finances belong to each of them and not both of them, they don’t endeavor to spend time together and plan together. They don’t operate as a unit. It’s about mine and yours not ours.

Why do we get married? If we want to continue living our independent lives, then why get married? It was God who saw it not good for man to be alone. And so He made him a helpmate suitable for him. He made him and gave him someone to share his life with. Now note that He didn’t give him another man, but a woman. It doesn’t matter what the US Supreme Court judgment allowing for same sex marriage says, that was not God’s plan. His plan was for a man to leave his father and mother and to become one with his wife.

The sole purpose of marriage is companionship. Being a friend not just a lover or a roommate, or even "baba nani" or "mama nani". Living a shared life means not just having a common vision, but doing life together. Playing and praying together, having activities together, enjoying each others company. Living with the other in mind, thinking about them, what makes them happy what makes them sad? Sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams and expectations is how we live a shared life.