FOUR TYPES OF MEN A SINGLE LADY SHOULD AVOID

 One of the most common causes of discouragement I have heard from many Single Ladies comes from being stuck in a one-way or dead-end relationship.  This is a relationship that is going nowhere or is driven by one party. A surprising number of attractive, talented, and lovable women have locked themselves with men who are not willing to commit.

According to Valerie Clayton, author of the book “Victory in Singleness”, when a man is unwilling to commit, a woman is stuck. She is emotionally depositing her love, energy, and time into someone who is ultimately not a good investment. There are four general types of men that single women need to avoid if they are interested in not misplacing their affection. 

1.   Mr. Procrastination –This man puts off making a serious relational commitment to the woman who loves him until a “more opportunate” time comes along. There is always something that will keep him from committing today. He is either recovering from a previous relationship, or finishing up his MBA, or waiting to make more money, or he has something going on with his parents, or is waiting to buy his first car, house or ‘kaplot’. He just can’t commit to you today

2.       Mr. Confucius – This man is on emotional overload. There is so much going on in his life that he barely exists- much less being marriage material for someone. Generally, he is just getting over an emotional catastrophe, making a life change, trying to “find himself” or he is still taking care of his siblings or a sick Parent.  Whatever it is, the bottom line is that he is trying to get his head on straight.” He forgets to call; frequently when you get together it is at your suggestion.

3.       Mr. Passive – Are you discouraged because your man is “just along for the ride”? He is not leading, but he is not exactly following either. He is just there, yes passively there. You may desire a committed dating relationship with him, but he hasn’t made any “moves”. You are discouraged because you would like your “friendship” to move forward, but the reality is that you are stuck.

4.       Mr. Fantasy – This man is an illusion. He doesn’t really exist except in the figment of your imagination. This is your ideal man, your ultimate dream man. Unfortunately this man does not exist and the sooner you wake up and smell the coffee, the better it will be for you.

Who said sexual fulfillment was a preserve of the husband only?

According to our African traditions, sexual enjoyment was a preserve of the men folk and the part of the woman was to make sure that they satisfied their man’s desire. Older women in preparing younger women for marriage would focus on training them on how well they would satisfy their men in terms of their kitchen skills and bedroom skills. The way to keep a man happy was to feed him well both in the stomach and sexually.

What many women fail to recognize is that sex is something to be enjoyed by both the husband and the wife. The Bible says that it is supposed to be for mutual satisfaction. Women too need to enjoy this gift. Failure to recognize that fact has led many married women to resent sex and see it more as a duty than as something to look forward to no wonder the fake headaches at night.

According to Sex Therapist Debra Taylor, although 80 percent couples report that the husband wants sex more than his wife, this may be a skewed number – partly because of the way we define sexual desire. Most of us typically think of sexual desire as a hunger for sex – often with sexual fantasies- that prompts us to initiate sex. It turns out however, that most women experience a receptive type of sexual desire as opposed to the proactive type which men experience.”

She goes on to state that, “Research confirms that for many women desire is “triggered” by thoughts and emotions arising during sexual excitement, not before. Many women have commented to us, “I enjoy sex once we’re 10-15 minutes into foreplay, and I think Wow! We should do this more often!”

 It is therefore imperative that we recognize that sex is not just for the men but for mutual satisfaction. Women too can and should enjoy sex.

Why Fantasize when you can enjoy the Real Thing

Experts on the subject of sex have found that uncontrolled fantasy shortchanges reality. When we continue to fantasize about an ideal “other person,” we create an unrealistic standard by which we evaluate our lovemaking, our partner and his or her sexual responsiveness. Our sex-life is left wanting, and over time our spouse becomes less desirable because he or she can’t measure up. We tell ourselves that sex will never be the way we want it to be, so why put forth the effort? 

And this leads to a frustration that makes us not to function at the junction. Instead of dealing with the fantasies and replacing them with reality we start chasing the mirage so to speak. It is important that we then deal with those seemingly "little foxes" that spoil our vineyard. Fantasy is one of those "little Foxes". Why fantasize when you can enjoy the real thing. And to enjoy the real thing requires time and effort. Being intentional, talking about your sex life as a couple, and willing to learn from that expert you live with, your spouse.

This and much more is what we covered during our last weekends Song of Song - A Duet married couples seminar. We believe that what we learned together will be put into practice so that intimate part of our marriage will be a joy.

"Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful fawn - let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her love."- Proverbs 5:18,19

Coming soon - Couples Vision Retreat October 19th-21st. Watch this spce for more details

AT THE JUNCTION; FUNCTIONING OR FRUSTRATED?

AT THE JUNCTION; FUNCTIONING OR FRUSTRATED?

The red light in a car's dashboard is an indicator that the car has some other problem or problems. Working with the red light (jiggling, shaking, banging) or even replacing it will not solve the automobile's real problem. You have to go deeper than that. The red light indicates that the car needs oil or water, or that the brake needs to be released. Solve these problems and the red light will go out automatically. Ignore these problems, and the red light will continue to glow until the automobile is ruined.

That's exactly what happens in many marriages especially where sex is concerned. Sexual problems are often like the red warning light on the dashboard of a car. Most of them are not just a matter of technique, style or even frequency. You can engage in the physical act as a couple but both of you know that something is missing. The act has become hollow, empty, meaningless, and unfulfilling. The real problem is a host of other problems between the husband and the wife. Solve those problems, and it may well be that the sexual problems will be automatically corrected.

Issues of unresolved guilt from our past, myths we have believed about sex, ignorance about our differences as male and female and ignorance of what the Bible has to say about this very important subject have greatly affected many a couples sex-life. What was meant to be an enjoyable and fulfilling thing in marriage has instead become something to be endured and a source of frustration.

For more on how you can move from frustration to fulfillment on this important aspect of your marriage, join us this Saturday,7th of July, from 9am to 5pm at the IBS-Biblika as we openly answer the question, "At the junction, functioning or frustrated?" Charges are Kshs.3,000 only per couple payable through mpesa no. 0722-307185 Come and hear what your Parents didn't tell you about sex that the Bible has to tell you. For more information call Grace on 0729-237766

AT THE JUNCTION; FUNCTIONING OR FRUSTRATED?

The red light in a car's dashboard is an indicator that the car has some other problem or problems. Working with the red light (jiggling, shaking, banging) or even replacing it will not solve the automobile's real problem. You have to go deeper than that. The red light indicates that the car needs oil or water, or that the brake needs to be released. Solve these problems and the red light will go out automatically. Ignore these problems, and the red light will continue to glow until the automobile is ruined.

That's exactly what happens in many marriages especially where sex is concerned. Sexual problems are often like the red warning light on the dashboard of a car. Most of them are not just a matter of technique, style or even frequency. You can engage in the physical act as a couple but both of you know that something is missing. The act has become hollow, empty, meaningless, and unfulfilling. The real problem is a host of other problems between the husband and the wife. Solve those problems, and it may well be that the sexual problems will be automatically corrected.

Issues of unresolved guilt from our past, myths we have believed about sex, ignorance about our differences as male and female and ignorance of what the Bible has to say about this very important subject have greatly affected many a couples sex-life. What was meant to be an enjoyable and fulfilling thing in marriage has instead become something to be endured and a source of frustration.

For more on how you can move from frustration to fulfillment on this important aspect of your marriage, join us this Saturday,7th of July, from 9am to 5pm at the IBS-Biblika as we openly answer the question, "At the junction, functioning or frustrated?" Charges are Kshs.3,000 only per couple payable through mpesa no. 0722-307185 Come and hear what your Parents didn't tell you about sex that the Bible has to tell you. For more information call Grace on 0729-237766

LIKE FATHER LIKE SON

The movie behind the mask is based on the true story of Dr. Robert Shushan, an overworked clinic director and absent father to his son, Brian. After suffering a heart attack, his life is saved by a patient, James Jones, an unlikely hero is made and a rare friendship born that proves to be life-altering for them both. James Jones deep hunger and longing for his Father sets Dr. Shushan in a wild goose chase to look for James Jones real father.

 Dr. Shushan finally finds James father, Mr. Jones and that completely turns around Dr. Shushan’s relationship with his own son Brian, who also like his father is an absent father to his own son. Behind the mask not only reminds us all to remember what’s truly important in our lives, but that what as father’s we do to our sons, they too will do it to their own sons.

They say that, the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree.  The children who resent their father’s behavior often unknowingly mimic that behavior. It seems to be a natural tendency. When a child is hurt by his father, he relates to others the way his father related to him and that’s why we are seeing a lot of irresponsible men who are not ready to commit or who when they commit are breaking the hearts of their spouses. They don’t know just how to be a good husband, lover or father to their children.

A father’s influence can therefore not be minimized especially in the life of his son. According to an Absent Father Syndrome Psychologist, There is a warrior in the heart of a boy.  When there is no father, his aggression is either stifled or charged resulting in passive or violent behavior. And this is what we are grappling with in our society today.

Our fathers are carried around inside us long after they have died. We continue to model them, dialogue with them, and listen to them, even after they have gone or we have left home. And if we are not careful we copy from them in the way we treat our wives or parent our kids. That’s why we need Fathers who are present and active in our lives for that is what every child, and especially the boy child is looking for. Happy Father’s day!