REAL STUFF REAL PEOPLE

Gracie and I have been privilaged to be guests in the latest radio talk show in town, "The Closet" with Pastor James Okumu every Friday Night from 11pm to 1 am in hope fm. Yes in hope fm where you listen and live, we are discussing things that hitherto have been anathema to talk about in Church leave alone as Christians. But these are real issues that men and women deal with, yes even those who are in the Church, those who are saved.

We have had three shows so far and the response has been overwhelming to say the least. I must thank Jamo and his bosses at hope fm for taking this bold step to address these issues from a Christian perspective unlike the other fm stations that make fun of such pertinent issues in our lives. Gracie and I have come to learn alot in researching for this program and also from the questions asked and feedbacks that we have been getting.

We have been talking about sexual fantasies and my goodness, there are some things that really need to be addressed. There are many men out there struggling with pornography and masturbation. These are born-again Christians who some have prayed and fasted over these issues but to their frustration nothing has changed. They are ashamed of this and have not shared their struggles with anybody as they fear being ridiculed and exposed.

We have come to learn how so protective we are of our images as Christians that even when we have struggles in these areas we don't want to come forward and ask for help. This is compounded on the other side by a judgemental attitude that many in the Church have had towards such victims that they don't find it safe to share their problem and get help. This has stirred our hearts afresh to seek to provide a safe environment where people would come and openly share with us these issues without the fear of rejection.

What we don't realize is that this rejection is what will push many of these dear ones deeper into their quagmires thus making things go from bad to worse and from worse to worst in their lives. So, hey you all that are struggling with these things out there, don't die alone, cry or shout for help and we will be more than willing to help and to walk you through this process to gain your freedom and deliverance. It is possible to be free, to live a pure life once again by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 And you know what, contrary to what we think that this is a singles problem, after all the Bible says if you burn, you better get married, this is very much a marriage problem. If you don't deal with some of these things in your singleness, don't think that marriage will cure your problem. No, it may only aggrevate it. There are many men who are not able to perform in bed because of these hang ups and it has become a concern for their wives. Will be talking about some of these issues in our upcoming blogs.

Monday Morning Blues

On Monday morning my wife received a call from one of her nieces informing her that her mother, who is my wife’s follower, was very sick. The time she received the call I was busy trying to get my week organized even as I was supervising my boys with their school work.  Immediately she hung up, my wife conveyed the same message to me.

I had already overheard the message as I picked their conversation over the phone, so by the time Gracie was relaying that information to me I was already thinking of a solution to the “crisis”. I was already uptight with my own pressing issues and was not about to take any extra load. So when my wife told me this, I didn’t respond due to the turmoil within. She went upstairs and we each continued with our daily chores. I noticed that she wasn’t amused at all by my silence but I was also so focused on my “things” that I failed to notice it.

After having lunch together, my wife confronted me with the issue. She let me know how much disappointed she was with me for my lack of sensitivity and compassion. To her I was at that time worse than an infidel. How can my sister be so sick and this man is just sitting there unmoved she thought to herself. I initially tried to justify myself when confronted by her, but I later did confess that the reason I was quiet was because I was trying to figure out what could be done, in other words trying to come up with a solution.

Therein lies a mistake that us men do often times that makes our wives feel unloved. What my wife wanted that Monday morning after receiving that news wasn’t anything big. To her this was not Rocket science as much as it seemed to me. What she wanted was for me to feel with her, maybe come and put my hands around her, hug her, reassure her that it was going to be okay and then maybe end by praying together with her for her sister. You mean it is that simple, you may ask. Then why didn’t you just do it.

Well I’m not alone in this matter; many men are in the same boat. The mistake us men make is to think that when she shares with you her feelings, she is asking for solutions. So we give advice and in the eventuality that we can’t come up with any, we remain quiet like I did that morning. When we do this she feels unloved because you don’t understand her, you don’t feel her. That’s the lesson I learnt afresh that Monday morning.

"Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way..." - 1 Peter 3:7

TO BE OR NOT TO BE DESPERATE

Many people may have laughed and thought that those who went to Pr Chris' meeting last Saturday were people who were so desperate.  Yet deep inside we are all desperate in one way or the other. 

This morning, I (Gracie) woke up with an intention to perform my ritual of exercising.  I have not done it for some time and this particular one took me so many steps back.  You should have heard me pant, huff and puff.  Just to let you know before you get some ideas, am not  so desperate on losing weight but staying healthy. 

One time I was in the gym and I saw this lady walk in wearing a gym suit.  She was just the right size and did work out with the rest of us as though  the aerobic steps were nothing for her. Most of us, on the other side of the weighing scale were sweating and panting, as the instructor led us along.  You can only imagine.

 I left the gym that day depressed and desperate to loose weight but when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Wife of Achoki, it ain't that bad.  Just work on the health and stay fit”. I made up my mind that day that I was not going to be depressed by trying to look like someone else

I was now desperate to be healthy and since then I have tried to eat right, sit right, walk right and exercise right.  There is a positive side to desperation and a negative one. When you stop being desperate then you end up being passive. You need to move from having a desire to dreaming to being desperate. Be hungry for what you want and stay hungry. That is positive desperation. 

On the other hand don’t be too desperate in a negative way that you end up settling for anything that wears a trouser and talks with a base. When it comes to marriage, don’t let your desperation drive you to the wrong relationship. It is better to remain single than to be in a troubled marriage.

“You only live once, so why not enjoy this life” – Grace Achoki

Let The Man be The Man

Last Sunday night I watched a beautiful play at the Kenya National Theatre by a group called “Wholesome Entertainment”. The drama was entitled “The Corporate Woman”. This play was brought back by great public demand. What a play it was.

The play dramatizes the challenges encountered in marriage by a corporate woman whose husband has lost his job. The man is not as qualified as his wife who then embarks on a job of trying to help her man get back to his feet. She does so by first sprucing up his cv which is really nothing attractive bearing in mind the man is not highly educated. She tries to use her connections and friends to hook this guy up with a job. Long story short she almost loses her husband to her best friend who has promised to get him a job in Zanzibar.

The man is so harassed that he even looses confidence in himself. In fact the only person who gives him a little confidence is their househelp, who guess what? is a ugandan lady that treats this man royally. She treats him so well that the wife becomes insecure about the househelp.

This story brings out certain truths about men that many women don’t understand. Deep inside every man there is a hero. More than anything else every man wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. When he doesn’t feel trusted, he loses his confidence like the man in the play and will fall for any other woman who can offer him that feel.

According to Author John Elderidge in his book "wild at heart", deep within every man's heart is the cry "Do I have what it takes?" Therefore whenever the man doesn't feel trusted, or whenever he falls short or fails his woman, that message is amplified in his heart. This is then what drives most men into doing crazy stuff or withdrawing completely. 

Why her “I do” will always mean “Do you?”

Last Friday (26^th August) my wife and I celebrated our sixteenth wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine that it has been that long since I told my bride “I do”. I always say it’s even a miracle for me to be married and in love with the same woman lo this many years. Considering where I come from, to be married to only one woman this long, is another miracle.

Even though our relationship has been great, there have been many times my wife has felt insecure about my love for her. When that insecurity is triggered, my wife responds in ways that confuse or dismay me until she feels reassured that I love her. Fact is that many of the things that perplex or even anger us about our wife are Red flags, signals that they are feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.

For example, have you ever wondered why your wife:

• Asks, “Do you love me?” even though you’ve done nothing to indicate you’ve changed your mind about loving her? (In fact, you just told her you loved her this morning on the way out of the door!)
• Takes your need for space as an indication that you are upset with and trying to get away from her?
• Wants to talk, talk, talk about your relationship – especially at times you least want to?
• Seems to turn critical or pushy for no reason you can figure?
• Gets crabby or “excessively emotional” and seems to push you away – but is unhappy or angry when you stay away?

Early in our relationship I used to get so upset and bothered with this kind of stuff until I came to learn that for a woman, the need for reassurance is very critical. I thought that I was doing better than the African man who when his wife cried to be reassured of her husband’s love for her, responded by telling her, “The day I married you, I told you that I loved you. In case things have changed, I will let you know.”

Before you laugh at that man, let me shock you with the news that most of us men are exactly like that. Though we may not verbalize those same words, our actions say it. For most men, as long as they meet their financial obligations, are not beating their wives and are not cheating on them, their marriage is okay.What they don’t understand is that their wives don’t feel permanently loved once the vows are made. Yes, she knows you love her, but there are periodic times when her feelings need to be convinced and reassured.  

In case you as a woman has been wondering what is wrong with you, let me reassure you that you are very normal. Eighty percent (8 out of 10 women) acknowledge sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under 45, the percentage jumped to ninety-one percent, and among those with children in secondary school or younger, it was almost universal (that is a hundred percent).

Buried inside most women – even those in great relationships – is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them, and whether the relationship is okay. This sense of vulnerability may be under the surface of their minds, but when it is triggered, most women show signs of distress until the concern is resolved.

Let me end by leaving us with two key practical solutions that I have recently learned. First is regular reassurance. In the face of insecurity, reassure her. During conflict, reassure her of your love. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space – she needs a hug. If she needs to talk, do your best to listen without becoming defensive. Secondly, pursue persistently. Pursuit prevents a lot of her insecurity.

Saving your Marriage

My wife and I have just returned from a life changing trip to South Africa. What a wonderful time we had visiting several places, reconnecting with friends in SA and enjoying each others company as we celebrated in advance our 16th wedding anniversary.

One of the experiences I had there was how to drive with the aid of a GPRS. This technology is life changing and even for a stranger like me It made it easy for me driving and getting around in unfamiliar territory. Like there was this time my wife and I together with our best couple were driving to Cape Point, which happens to be the southern most tip of Africa, Steve (my best man) was tired so he asked me to drive. He then set up the GPRS from his phone and begun to show me how helpful this gadget was. As I began listening to the female voice in the GPRS give me instructions on where to turn and which direction to take, Steve's wife Faith, seating in the rear with my wife, said something that really tickled us. This is what she said,"That is the only lady men listen to for directions".

This was very funny yet so very true. How many times have I been lost somewhere and wanting to be the man that I should be, I kept going round and round in cycles refusing to admit that, yes, I'm lost and refusing to heed my sweet wife's suggestion that I ask for help. Instead I get more worked up as am already frustrated by my helpless situation and continue driving in the wrong direction. Her seeking to help me by giving me ideas and suggestions on what I should do or not do doesn't help but rather worsens the situation.

I used to think I'm the only man who suffered from this disease but in walking with many couples I have come to find to my comfort that it's a common problem with men. It's every man's disease and every woman's headache.

Many a women like my wife have also suffered many rounds of futility when if only the men had listened to them like the way I listened to the female voice in the GPRS, both time and money would have been saved not to mention the marriage itself. So why is this problem so prevelant in many marriages?

It's once again because of the lack of understanding our different languages as men and women. Just like when a woman is stressed, she releases it by talking and pouring her heart to her husband. By so doing, she is not looking for a solution to her problem but rather wanting her man to feel with her. The worst mistake a man can make in such situations is to try to offer her solutions instead of just listening to her with empathy.

Similary, when a man finds himself lost or in unfamiliar territory, they become frustrated and the last thing they need then is unsolicited advice from their wife. This is why, though meaning well, when you as a woman begins to tell your husband what he needs to do he gets upset. Remember you are not the female voice on the GPRS, so you need a lot of wisdom and understanding to help him out of his predicament. At best keep quiet and let him be as you pray for him to come to his senses. If you have to speak, be positive, start by encouraging and affirming him before you asking him if there is a new route to where you are going.

And yes men, please humble yourself and accept for once that you are lost. Or let me put it in a nice way, you are not lost but must have just missed the turning, know what I mean men?

EAST MEETS WEST IN MARRIAGE

My wife and I are currently enjoying ourselves in Cape Town. We are visiting with some friends of ours who relocated here some thirteen years ago. They were actually our best couple in our wedding almost sixteen years ago. We were both looking forward for this reunion as it had been eight years since we were last together, at least for my wife.

Steve and Faith were so excited by our coming here. They had prepared everything for this visit and when we landed here we both were excited to see each other. One of the things they shared with us which were funny then though obviously wasn’t when it happened was a disagreement they had just before our arrival at their home. Steve had agreed to pick up Faith from the house so that they would come and pick us up from the Airport. So Steve finished off everything he had to do and came home for Faith. He found her not ready and this greatly upset him as time was running out. Steve was getting impatient as our flight was to land anytime now at the Airport.

Steve’s greatest worry was that Grace (my wife) and I would clear our luggage and come out to the waiting area to no great welcome as he would have wanted us to have. Faith on the other hand had taken most of her morning cleaning and preparing the house as she wanted her friend Grace to find a clean house, especially knowing how my wife had a penchant for cleanliness. Thus this was the cause of what we call a “dome”, domestic war that was only cooled by their making it just in time to receive us warmly as we came out into the arrival area.  

As they shared with us their story, my wife and I couldn’t help laughing as this was a familiar scene being played before our eyes. We could identify with them as we too have had such wars many a times and so have the many couples that we have counseled with. It’s amazing how many times couples have a conflict because of such things and sad to say that some end up even going their separate ways just because of such small issues.

The issue here was basically one of a difference in perspective. Men and Women view things from different perspectives. You ask me why and the answer is simple, it’s because God made them male and female. This difference in gender is a major cause of problem in many marriages. They say that men think blue and ladies pink. And I hasten to add, men think blue and ladies feel pink as men use logic while women feel, they are more intuitive.

And so many times in marriage, it’s not a matter of whose right and who’s wrong. It’s just a matter of which side you are looking at it from. The sooner we begin to learn this lesson and understand the other gender; half of our marital issues will be solved. As I normally say, different isn’t bad, it’s just different. Thus instead of fighting over our differences we should capitalize on these differences and make the most of each other’s perspective. After all marriage is a process of becoming one, and unity is not uniformity. Yes there can be unity in diversity contrary to what many people think.

Both Steve and Faith had our good in mind. They both desired for us to receive a wonderful welcome when we arrived. They both were thinking of us. For Steve, that meant them being there in time to receive us as we arrived while for Faith it meant us finding a clean environment to live in. Both were right just different approaches.