TO BE OR NOT TO BE DESPERATE

Many people may have laughed and thought that those who went to Pr Chris' meeting last Saturday were people who were so desperate.  Yet deep inside we are all desperate in one way or the other. 

This morning, I (Gracie) woke up with an intention to perform my ritual of exercising.  I have not done it for some time and this particular one took me so many steps back.  You should have heard me pant, huff and puff.  Just to let you know before you get some ideas, am not  so desperate on losing weight but staying healthy. 

One time I was in the gym and I saw this lady walk in wearing a gym suit.  She was just the right size and did work out with the rest of us as though  the aerobic steps were nothing for her. Most of us, on the other side of the weighing scale were sweating and panting, as the instructor led us along.  You can only imagine.

 I left the gym that day depressed and desperate to loose weight but when I got home I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Wife of Achoki, it ain't that bad.  Just work on the health and stay fit”. I made up my mind that day that I was not going to be depressed by trying to look like someone else

I was now desperate to be healthy and since then I have tried to eat right, sit right, walk right and exercise right.  There is a positive side to desperation and a negative one. When you stop being desperate then you end up being passive. You need to move from having a desire to dreaming to being desperate. Be hungry for what you want and stay hungry. That is positive desperation. 

On the other hand don’t be too desperate in a negative way that you end up settling for anything that wears a trouser and talks with a base. When it comes to marriage, don’t let your desperation drive you to the wrong relationship. It is better to remain single than to be in a troubled marriage.

“You only live once, so why not enjoy this life” – Grace Achoki

Let The Man be The Man

Last Sunday night I watched a beautiful play at the Kenya National Theatre by a group called “Wholesome Entertainment”. The drama was entitled “The Corporate Woman”. This play was brought back by great public demand. What a play it was.

The play dramatizes the challenges encountered in marriage by a corporate woman whose husband has lost his job. The man is not as qualified as his wife who then embarks on a job of trying to help her man get back to his feet. She does so by first sprucing up his cv which is really nothing attractive bearing in mind the man is not highly educated. She tries to use her connections and friends to hook this guy up with a job. Long story short she almost loses her husband to her best friend who has promised to get him a job in Zanzibar.

The man is so harassed that he even looses confidence in himself. In fact the only person who gives him a little confidence is their househelp, who guess what? is a ugandan lady that treats this man royally. She treats him so well that the wife becomes insecure about the househelp.

This story brings out certain truths about men that many women don’t understand. Deep inside every man there is a hero. More than anything else every man wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. When he doesn’t feel trusted, he loses his confidence like the man in the play and will fall for any other woman who can offer him that feel.

According to Author John Elderidge in his book "wild at heart", deep within every man's heart is the cry "Do I have what it takes?" Therefore whenever the man doesn't feel trusted, or whenever he falls short or fails his woman, that message is amplified in his heart. This is then what drives most men into doing crazy stuff or withdrawing completely. 

Why her “I do” will always mean “Do you?”

Last Friday (26^th August) my wife and I celebrated our sixteenth wedding anniversary. I can’t imagine that it has been that long since I told my bride “I do”. I always say it’s even a miracle for me to be married and in love with the same woman lo this many years. Considering where I come from, to be married to only one woman this long, is another miracle.

Even though our relationship has been great, there have been many times my wife has felt insecure about my love for her. When that insecurity is triggered, my wife responds in ways that confuse or dismay me until she feels reassured that I love her. Fact is that many of the things that perplex or even anger us about our wife are Red flags, signals that they are feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.

For example, have you ever wondered why your wife:

• Asks, “Do you love me?” even though you’ve done nothing to indicate you’ve changed your mind about loving her? (In fact, you just told her you loved her this morning on the way out of the door!)
• Takes your need for space as an indication that you are upset with and trying to get away from her?
• Wants to talk, talk, talk about your relationship – especially at times you least want to?
• Seems to turn critical or pushy for no reason you can figure?
• Gets crabby or “excessively emotional” and seems to push you away – but is unhappy or angry when you stay away?

Early in our relationship I used to get so upset and bothered with this kind of stuff until I came to learn that for a woman, the need for reassurance is very critical. I thought that I was doing better than the African man who when his wife cried to be reassured of her husband’s love for her, responded by telling her, “The day I married you, I told you that I loved you. In case things have changed, I will let you know.”

Before you laugh at that man, let me shock you with the news that most of us men are exactly like that. Though we may not verbalize those same words, our actions say it. For most men, as long as they meet their financial obligations, are not beating their wives and are not cheating on them, their marriage is okay.What they don’t understand is that their wives don’t feel permanently loved once the vows are made. Yes, she knows you love her, but there are periodic times when her feelings need to be convinced and reassured.  

In case you as a woman has been wondering what is wrong with you, let me reassure you that you are very normal. Eighty percent (8 out of 10 women) acknowledge sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship. Among women under 45, the percentage jumped to ninety-one percent, and among those with children in secondary school or younger, it was almost universal (that is a hundred percent).

Buried inside most women – even those in great relationships – is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them, and whether the relationship is okay. This sense of vulnerability may be under the surface of their minds, but when it is triggered, most women show signs of distress until the concern is resolved.

Let me end by leaving us with two key practical solutions that I have recently learned. First is regular reassurance. In the face of insecurity, reassure her. During conflict, reassure her of your love. When you need space, reassure her that it’s not about her. If she’s upset, realize she doesn’t need space – she needs a hug. If she needs to talk, do your best to listen without becoming defensive. Secondly, pursue persistently. Pursuit prevents a lot of her insecurity.

Saving your Marriage

My wife and I have just returned from a life changing trip to South Africa. What a wonderful time we had visiting several places, reconnecting with friends in SA and enjoying each others company as we celebrated in advance our 16th wedding anniversary.

One of the experiences I had there was how to drive with the aid of a GPRS. This technology is life changing and even for a stranger like me It made it easy for me driving and getting around in unfamiliar territory. Like there was this time my wife and I together with our best couple were driving to Cape Point, which happens to be the southern most tip of Africa, Steve (my best man) was tired so he asked me to drive. He then set up the GPRS from his phone and begun to show me how helpful this gadget was. As I began listening to the female voice in the GPRS give me instructions on where to turn and which direction to take, Steve's wife Faith, seating in the rear with my wife, said something that really tickled us. This is what she said,"That is the only lady men listen to for directions".

This was very funny yet so very true. How many times have I been lost somewhere and wanting to be the man that I should be, I kept going round and round in cycles refusing to admit that, yes, I'm lost and refusing to heed my sweet wife's suggestion that I ask for help. Instead I get more worked up as am already frustrated by my helpless situation and continue driving in the wrong direction. Her seeking to help me by giving me ideas and suggestions on what I should do or not do doesn't help but rather worsens the situation.

I used to think I'm the only man who suffered from this disease but in walking with many couples I have come to find to my comfort that it's a common problem with men. It's every man's disease and every woman's headache.

Many a women like my wife have also suffered many rounds of futility when if only the men had listened to them like the way I listened to the female voice in the GPRS, both time and money would have been saved not to mention the marriage itself. So why is this problem so prevelant in many marriages?

It's once again because of the lack of understanding our different languages as men and women. Just like when a woman is stressed, she releases it by talking and pouring her heart to her husband. By so doing, she is not looking for a solution to her problem but rather wanting her man to feel with her. The worst mistake a man can make in such situations is to try to offer her solutions instead of just listening to her with empathy.

Similary, when a man finds himself lost or in unfamiliar territory, they become frustrated and the last thing they need then is unsolicited advice from their wife. This is why, though meaning well, when you as a woman begins to tell your husband what he needs to do he gets upset. Remember you are not the female voice on the GPRS, so you need a lot of wisdom and understanding to help him out of his predicament. At best keep quiet and let him be as you pray for him to come to his senses. If you have to speak, be positive, start by encouraging and affirming him before you asking him if there is a new route to where you are going.

And yes men, please humble yourself and accept for once that you are lost. Or let me put it in a nice way, you are not lost but must have just missed the turning, know what I mean men?

EAST MEETS WEST IN MARRIAGE

My wife and I are currently enjoying ourselves in Cape Town. We are visiting with some friends of ours who relocated here some thirteen years ago. They were actually our best couple in our wedding almost sixteen years ago. We were both looking forward for this reunion as it had been eight years since we were last together, at least for my wife.

Steve and Faith were so excited by our coming here. They had prepared everything for this visit and when we landed here we both were excited to see each other. One of the things they shared with us which were funny then though obviously wasn’t when it happened was a disagreement they had just before our arrival at their home. Steve had agreed to pick up Faith from the house so that they would come and pick us up from the Airport. So Steve finished off everything he had to do and came home for Faith. He found her not ready and this greatly upset him as time was running out. Steve was getting impatient as our flight was to land anytime now at the Airport.

Steve’s greatest worry was that Grace (my wife) and I would clear our luggage and come out to the waiting area to no great welcome as he would have wanted us to have. Faith on the other hand had taken most of her morning cleaning and preparing the house as she wanted her friend Grace to find a clean house, especially knowing how my wife had a penchant for cleanliness. Thus this was the cause of what we call a “dome”, domestic war that was only cooled by their making it just in time to receive us warmly as we came out into the arrival area.  

As they shared with us their story, my wife and I couldn’t help laughing as this was a familiar scene being played before our eyes. We could identify with them as we too have had such wars many a times and so have the many couples that we have counseled with. It’s amazing how many times couples have a conflict because of such things and sad to say that some end up even going their separate ways just because of such small issues.

The issue here was basically one of a difference in perspective. Men and Women view things from different perspectives. You ask me why and the answer is simple, it’s because God made them male and female. This difference in gender is a major cause of problem in many marriages. They say that men think blue and ladies pink. And I hasten to add, men think blue and ladies feel pink as men use logic while women feel, they are more intuitive.

And so many times in marriage, it’s not a matter of whose right and who’s wrong. It’s just a matter of which side you are looking at it from. The sooner we begin to learn this lesson and understand the other gender; half of our marital issues will be solved. As I normally say, different isn’t bad, it’s just different. Thus instead of fighting over our differences we should capitalize on these differences and make the most of each other’s perspective. After all marriage is a process of becoming one, and unity is not uniformity. Yes there can be unity in diversity contrary to what many people think.

Both Steve and Faith had our good in mind. They both desired for us to receive a wonderful welcome when we arrived. They both were thinking of us. For Steve, that meant them being there in time to receive us as we arrived while for Faith it meant us finding a clean environment to live in. Both were right just different approaches.

THE DOMINANT WOMAN

When I (Barnie) first met Dave and Cathy (not their real names), I couldn’t help notice how much Cathy was in control in their relationship. Cathy seemed to have taken the leadership position in their marriage while Dave was passive and laid back. Many of their friends also expressed their concern over the way Cathy was a tough cookie and how people feared her and really sympathized with Dave. One could clearly see from their relationship that Dave had been sat on by his wife.

Dave’s sweet and gentle nature is what attracted Cathy to him in the first place, but with time she found him to be greatly lacking as a leader in their marriage. She appreciated his good qualities but found herself loosing more and more respect for him because he would not lead. As she became more frustrated, she complained increasingly about the things he was not doing. Dave resented her remarks, though she was nagging, and resisted the changes she sought. She persisted and this resulted in a vicious cycle.

Without realizing it, Cathy was much the problem as Dave was. From the beginning of their relationship, it was her dominant personality that enabled Dave to become passive. Rather than keeping her naturally aggressive and opinionated personality in check, Cathy exploited Dave’s pleasant personality to enhance the exercise of her dominance.

To begin to understand the serious problems a dominant woman faces in marriage, consider this excerpt from an excellent article entitled “Will a Wife respect a husband She can control” by Dr. Marlin Howe.

I have never yet met a woman who respected a man she could control. So, from her innermost soul swells a basic need to disrespect her husband, to find fault with him. I have never yet met a man who truly loved a woman who controlled him. So, from the innermost soul swells a basic need to separate from his wife, to ignore her, to find significance elsewhere. Thus, both spouses are pushing each other away – the wife through fault-finding and the husband through neglect.

You ask, “Why did these two people marry in the first place?” The man in this relationship usually comes from a home where his father was either weak, passive, or remote, and the mother had to wear the pants in the family. Since the boy experienced more of his mother than his father, his emotional system was over mothered. Science discovered that by late teens, the internalization of a person’s identity is complete. So, a boy who internalized a too-high level of care will try to find a wife who will continue that level of mothering.

A dependent boy is highly attractive to an independent girl. They marry. Why? Because his dependence allows her to be in control, responsible, significant, and not vulnerable. In contrast, her independence allows him to remain dependent, irresponsible, vulnerable, and secure. The problem is that this arrangement does not work. In time the wife will become weary of being so responsible, taking leadership, and the husband will become weary of being so controlled. Lacking a sense of masculinity, he will seek to distance himself from his wife. As her husband separates from her, she will feel an inner resentment she is not being loved by him. Feeling the need to be feminine, she will then pursue him. To the degree he pursues he separates – hunting, fishing, working, drinking, fighting, carousing, watching TV, and so forth.

Once her spirit is sufficiently crushed, she will begin to separate herself. Feeling too much distance, her husband will then pursue her. He may promise reform, even the moon, and guarantee the impossible. She is repulsed at his manlessness but does not recognize her womanlessness. If they come together, it is for a brief time. The marital vicious cycle recycles leading to a breakdown in the relationship- a divorce – be it emotional or physical.

And  that is what unfortunately ended up happening with Dave and Cathy. As I write this article, they are no longer together. Next week will look at the most common reasons that a woman becomes dominant and the solutions for them.

ENCOURAGING YOUR MAN

I, Gracie, did it again? What do you think this means? 

The other day, my husband came home stressed up because the deadline had passed for him to hand in an important assignment. His computer was “acting up”.  He had tried to do all that he could but nothing seemed to be working.  The minute he stepped into the house I could tell from the man’s face that something was truly, truly wrong.  I immediately embarked on a journey of straightening my communication skills and said to myself “Daughter of Ahere, watch what you say”.

Like a wonderful wife, I tried making him a cup of tea but this did not go down well.  The man was going through so much and it was becoming more and more obvious.  We tried to make a few phone calls just to try and get the assignment out of the way, but it was one of those days when the computers decided to go on strike.  It got to a point where we had to take a walk from one cyber to another but alas! What we found were closed doors whispering, “Sorry we are closed for the day”. How frustrating this was, now, to both of us.  Humanly speaking, I asked myself why the assignment was not sent earlier (my flesh), but deep down inside my spirit  I knew that my encouragement was more important than knowing the answer to this question.  I said again to myself “Daughter of Ahere, wife of Barnabas, love on and encourage your husband”

Once again, like a wonderful wife, I started encouraging my hubby by telling him that it was not his fault.  I kept telling him “pole” (sorry) for all he was going through and even put my hand on his shoulder.  Well, at the end of all this, we ended up sending the assignment the following day. 

What I did not realize was that through out that evening I was depositing into the love bank.  My husband felt so supported and encouraged.  Infact at the end of the day these were his words, “Honey, thank you for your support and encouragement.”  Wow!  That made me blush. I felt so good about this and it made me feel like doing it again and again aaand again.

One thing stood out for sure in this whole drama, that men need a lot of support and encouragement from their wives especially when they are going through difficult moments. When they take the turns in their lives you need to be there with them holding on tightly like one being carried on a pikipiki going at full speed around a bend. In Genesis we see God made a helper meet (suitable, adapted, complementary) for him. You help your husband a great deal by supporting and encouraging him especially during those tough times, when he has lost his job, or when his boss has made him feel like a dot especially when he has a female boss. 

When was the last time you encouraged your husband? As a wife, you need to be your hubby’s greatest fan. He must know that he is your hero. Woman, your finger is on the trigger of your man’s ego more than anyone else. Of all people, a man wants to hear those encouraging words from his wife. When a husband is encouraged especially by his wife, he can take the whole world down.  He will glow, though he has made mistakes, he will rise up again and go for it. So why not be gracious and do it again whether he notices your encouragement or not.  I can assure you that, though he may say nothing, deep down inside he appreciates it and this makes him feel like a man again. Common Lady you have got what it takes to make that man be all that God made him to be.