The 12 habits that lead to divorce

Happy New Year friends, it’s yet another year and as we begin the year many people are busy planning and setting goals for the year. In the midst of all the planning and goal setting we wonder how many couples have taken time to think and plan about their relationship.

At the beginning of 2011, the NAIROBIAN had this very interesting headline, “Will your Marriage survive in 2011?” The article went on to elaborate how many marriages were breaking down in the city due to the current trends and stress of city life. To answer this question, we found this article by Dave Willis on “The 12 habits that lead to divorce” a timely solution to the marriage crisis we are facing. We will share with you one habit each week in an attempt to help us not only ensure that our marriage survives in 2018 and beyond but actually thrives. If you find yourself a culprit to any one of these habits, don’t be condemned but please ensure that you come up with some action plans to change that habit in 2018.

Here are the 12 habits-;

1. Holding Grudges and “Keeping Score”

Dave Willis says that “If you’ve been married longer than 15 minutes, chances are good that your spouse has done something to offend you and you’ve done something to offend him/her. When our words or actions cause harm, we need to be quick to admit fault and seek forgiveness. When your spouse has wronged you, you need to offer grace quickly so that trust can start being rebuilt and there’s no room for bitterness to take root in your heart. Don’t use past hurts as ammunition in arguments. Let grace flow freely in your marriage. No marriage can survive without it”.

Dave is absolutely right, in our experience working with married couples we have seen how this can affect and kill a marriage. Last year the International Christian Centre Church invited us to speak on the subject “NO GRUDGES”, and we were amazed just preparing for those speaking engagements and from the reactions thereafter at how much grudge we have with each other as spouses. We have not fully understood and embraced the whole idea of forgiveness. We want to hold on the grudge and “keep score”. Revenge is sweat to our carnal nature, we want to punish our spouse foe what they did to us.

Granted we have been hurt, and we may feel our spouse deserves to suffer for it. But what we fail to realize is that in not forgiving and allowing bitterness to take root in our hearts, we are only hurting and killing ourselves not just our spouse. So as we begin the year, why don’t you determine in your heart and actually forgive your spouse for the wrong they did you. Be specific tell them what it is you are forgiving them for. Forgiveness is an act of grace, a gift of love, your spouse can’t work for it, your spouse can’t earn it neither can they perfect their performance in order to deserve it. Grace is simply a gift, why don’t you start the year by giving your spouse that gift!

You know what, it takes two to tango, or tangle, you too may have hurt them by the way you reacted to them or for what made them do what they did to you. Why don’t you ask them for forgiveness by -;

·         admitting that yes “I was wrong, I’m sorry”,

·         committing not to hurt them like that again “I don’t want to hurt you like this again”

·         requesting them to forgive you “Will you forgive me?”

NO GRUDGES PART IV

On this part of the series NO GRUDGES, we want to talk about a topic that is so often misunderstood and yet is very vital to ensure that we don't have grudges in our marriage. And that is forgiveness. Let us start by clarifying what forgiveness is by defining first what it is not.

Forgiveness is NOT, -

Forgetting - this where most of us struggle with forgiveness because we have been made to feel or think that forgiveness means I completely forget what my spouse did to me however painful it is. No, when we forgive someone according to Lewis Smedesin his book Forgive and Forget, we do not forget the hurtful act, as if forgiveness came along with the forgiveness package, the way strings come with a violin. If you forget, you will not forgive at all. You can never forgive people for things you have forgotten about. You need to forgive preciously because you have not forgotten what someone did. 

Easy, it takes a lot of grace to forgive someone who has hurt you especially your spouse. Forgiveness may be difficult, but it is never impossible in God's strength. It takes a lot of effort and dying to ourselves to forgive.

A feeling, you will or may never feel like forgiving your spouse. It's an act of the will, its a choice that you make and even after making that choice to forgive you may still not feel like it. So don't wait until you feel like it, choose to forgive and you know what? your feelings will soon follow albeit reluctantly.

Pretending that nothing happened then wishing it away. We must accept and admit that yes we were hurt, that thing actually happened but I choose to forgive.

Excusing the wrong or belittling it.

An event but a process. Just like we were recently reminded by our supreme court, an election is not an event, it is a process, and so is forgiveness. Yes it starts with making that choice but continues as you continue to talk and process what it is that offended you. We forgive in layers as someone rightly put it. 

So what is forgiveness? What does it look like? Don't miss our next blog as we look into what forgiveness looks like. 

NO GRUDGES PART III

On our last blog we began talking about Self regulation. Self regulation is all about managing your emotions as this is where so often end up hurting our spouse. Self regulation has got to do with dealing with our anger, watching our reaction to our spouse pressing the button in our lives. And we do this by checking our self talk, what we tell ourselves when we are hurt, disappointed or frustrated but so often is not true. What we tell ourselves stirs up certain emotions in us that lead to certain behaviors that hurt our marriage.

On this blog we want to go beyond just the self awareness to action. After becoming aware of your feelings and where they are coming from, what do you do? First is to begin to change your self talk. Catch yourself whenever you start telling yourself those negative things that stir up those emotions that leads to that behavior that is ruining your marriage. Ask yourself is this the truth? Are they always like this? Have they never done this and that for me? What about that time when they said or did this and that to me? What about that time when they were so nice to me? How did that make you feel? As you begin to counter your thoughts with those good memories you will find your emotions changing being transformed from fear to love resulting in good behavior towards your spouse.

Secondly, instead of being judgmental you will become compassionate towards them. You will empathize with them so that instead of wanting to punish them and revenge you end up forgiving them and reaching out to them. That is how we can turn a potentially dangerous situation into a an opportunity to get to know each other better and thus become intimate with each other in marriage.

NO GRUDGES (PART II)

In our last blog we talked about how our inability to resolve conflict is hurting our marriages and us as well. And why is it that we don’t know how to resolve conflicts? It’s simply because we have not seen it done properly growing up and so when we get married we do it the wrong way either by reacting it out or withdrawing into silence. Both ways leave us hurt and wounded.

So how do we do it right? The reason we usually don’t get it right from the beginning is that we start attacking the other person’s reactions instead of asking ourselves why they are reacting that way. We judge them for their reaction instead of being compassionate towards them in trying to find out why they reacted the way they did. Instead of blaming them for their reaction we need to seek to understand them by understanding why they reacted the way they did. In so doing we will help them discover certain things about themselves as well as help us get to know them better.  So let conflict act as a teacher for self awareness, helping your spouse become aware of themselves as well as you becoming aware of certain aspects about them.

It is also important for you to also become more aware of yourself. It is only in such a relationship like marriage that we become more aware of we really are. Normally when something happens in our lives contrary to what we expected we get annoyed. This event surfaces an unmet need in our lives, that need could be the need to be loved, to be appreciated, to be respected, to be included and so on.  When that need surfaces we tell ourselves something, something like I’m not needed here, or I’m not worthy etc. What we tell ourselves then determines how we behave and it is that undesirable behavior that causes us to hurt each other.

It is therefore important for us to be aware of what we tell ourselves as a result of what happens to us that makes us upset. The event only acts as a trigger, triggering something deep inside us. Why did what they said or did affect me the way it did you must ask yourself. Going deeper and asking yourself why several times may just help you discover certain past hurts that are buried deep there that have really nothing to do with your spouse. Being aware of those things will go a long way in helping you regain control of your life and help you manage and regulate yourself well.  On our next blog will talk more about self regulation you don’t want to miss this.

NO GRUDGES

Last month Grace and I had the privilege of speaking at a Married Couples breakfast at the International Christian Center. We spoke on the topic “No grudges”, and it was amazing to hear the response from some of the married couples who attended. Grace and I were equally amazed at how many grudges we hold against each other in marriage and some of those grudges are buried so deep within us that we don’t even know about it. These grudges if not dealt with can metamorphose into resentment and bitterness towards each other.

But why do we keep grudges in marriage? The only reason we believe is because we are unable to resolve conflict in marriage. We either lack the necessary skills to do so or don’t want to and because of that we tend to sweep things under the carpet and not talk about it again. What we don’t realize is that deep down a grudge is stored in us. This continues to build up and give birth to resentment and bitterness towards our spouse. When we resent our spouse we hurt them because we ourselves are hurting.

According to Marriage and Family Coaches Greg and  Barb Rosberg, in their book “Healing The Hurt in Your Marriage”(we highly recommend this book for every married couple), from their experience as Family coaches, most marriage surveys reveal that resolving conflict and hurt is right up there with communication as the biggest problem facing couples. We know what to do when we have an accident on the highway with another car. As drivers we exchange numbers and insurance information, we get estimates of the repairs from our mechanic, and off we go back on the road again yet so many of us are clueless about how to resolve marital breakdowns.

Why? Because no one taught us how to do it. Healthy conflict resolution was not modeled in many of our homes as we grew up. Culturally as Kenyans we are even poor at resolving conflict. We are good peace keepers; we love the word peace but what we have come to realize is that as a Nation we have wished away many of our hurts no wonder every election cycle we keep our fingers crossed and pray ceaselessly that our Nation doesn’t fall apart. So how do you resolve conflict and ensure that indeed there are “No Grudges” between you? Will discuss that on our next blog you don’t want to miss that!

Coaching Lessons that will help your Marriage

I remember many years ago (over twenty years ago to be precise) when Grace and I attended our pre-marital counseling classes one of the valuable lesson I learnt then was the importance of communication in marriage. I learned that communication was not just about talking but more importantly about listening. “Listening is more important than talking that’s why God gave us one mouth and two ears so that we listen twice as much as we talk”, our Pastor told us.

We all love talking but rarely do we take time to listen especially if you are an extrovert or a talker like me. In order to be a great communicator one must focus not just on how you relay the information but on how well you listen. Going past merely talking to listening requires a great discipline. As much as listening is good, how you listen is even better. Most people do not think about how they listen. Because of our self-centered nature we default into what in coaching we call self-focused listening. This is where we listen to what makes meaning to us, attention is on me, my own needs and what this conversation can do for me. I have found myself many times operating in this lower level of listening when we are having a conversation with Grace. I will listen only to that which is important to me, that which will provide the necessary ammunition for my rebuttal or that which will give me an opportunity to tell her what she needs to do. And this has often left Grace annoyed and frustrated.

A better way to listen is what we call in coaching others-focused listening. Here you listen to what is significant to the other person. You ask yourself “what does this mean to the other person?” “What does this mean to my husband or to my wife?” Attention is on the other person and what they are communicating. This requires dying to yourself dear husband even when everything within you is trying to shift to the solution mode to actually hearing what your wife’s cry is. What do they mean by that?

However good this level of listening is, there’s even a better way, a more excellent way of listening and that is what in coaching we call Intuitive Listening. In the coming days will dwell more on this level of listening because I believe this is what will transform us for extraordinary conversations at home with our spouse and kids and even in our other relationships.

As Grace and I celebrate 22 years of marriage this Saturday, we are thankful to God for those years. As I always say, for me being married to one woman (I come from a polygamous home) and the same woman for all these years is a miracle. I wish I could have said that it has been easy and enjoyable all through. But to be honest it hasn’t been all that easy. But through all the hard work not to mention the hard talk we have been able to resolve our issues and enter into a deeper level of intimacy with each other.

Grace and I love the movie “Not easily Broken” and we recently watched it for the umpteenth time. From this movie we want to share with you in the coming days some of the lessons we have gleaned from this movie that we can say has been the reason for our success thus far. One of the things that comes out clearly from this movie is how our past affects our present relationship. David in the movie is dealing with some past issues. He wanted to become a professional basketball player but his career was cut short by an injury. He now wants to relive his life in the children he is coaching. He has a skeleton in his cupboard in the form of Darius, one of the boys he is coaching, whose Father knows a little a bit David’s past. He finally confronts himself in the contest he has a one on one basketball contest with Darius’ father. Both men finally get to deal with their shadows.

On the other hand David’s mother-in-law also has a skeleton from her past to deal with. Because of her broken marriage she resents men and poisons her daughter’s mind with the same. As a result they gang up with her daughter Clarice and eventually throw out David from the house.  She too has to confront her past when her daughter Clarice confronts her with this issue but is unwilling to let go.

We all have skeletons in our cupboards which if not dealt with will always come to haunt our present and future lives. 

What we experience in this Nation every election period is a result of some of these past issues that prop us against each other. Most of the things we deal with in marriage are as a result of some of these past issues. Pain from our past, rejection suffered because of our parents’ divorce, sexual abuse by a relative when we were young, mistrust that developed in you when your first boyfriend damped you, unresolved conflict with your spouse, have a way of infecting and affecting our marriages. The sooner we become aware of this and deal with it the better we can be at resolving our conflicts and living together as husband and wife.