As we begin the month of August, we as a Nation are just about to vote in our Leaders from the President to the local MCA (Member of the County Assembly). Funny how five years have gone so fast. During this electioneering period we have been promised a lot of things from free Secondary education to free Internship program for all our graduates. We have been wooed to vote for one party or the other and yes like a lady we are now about to make that decision.

Twenty-two years ago, I wooed a beautiful lady that is now my wife. I made her several promises the biggest being when I said “I do” on the 26^th of August at 12:00 noon at the Good Shepherd Church Ngong Road. When I said “I do” for me it was a done deal. What I didn’t know is that for Grace, it was not simply a statement “I do” but rather it a question “Do you?” And that has been the question for the last twenty years especially during those moments when I withdraw into my cave, demand for my space or are too busy trying to provide for the family.

I know it sounds crazy that after twenty two years of marriage my wife still wonders if I love her.  What we men fail to understand is that, your  “I do” actually didn’t bring permanent emotional closure and put her mind at rest about your feelings for her forever. For her, your “I do” doesn’t erase that insecurity about your love that lives under the surface in even the most happily married woman—insecurity that, when triggered, becomes a deeply felt uncertainty: “Do you? Do you still…love me? Are we still okay?

According to author Jeff Feldhahn, buried inside most women—even those in great relationships—is a latent insecurity about whether their man really loves them. Even more than financial security your wife yearns for emotional security. Your wife wants you to provide a nice life for her and the kids, but she also wants you home for dinner. She wants to know that no matter what, you are not going to leave her. She wants to know that she is the only one in your life that next to God you are priority in his life, that you are her best friend.

And so as we celebrate twenty two years of marriage, I may still say “I do” but what is important is for me to continue to constantly reassure Grace by doing those things that help answer her big question “Do you still love me?” In the coming weeks we will talk more about what Insecurity triggers in a woman and how we can help our wives overcome that inherent insecurity in them.

WHAT IS LOVE GUYS?

It is said that Cyrus, the founder of the Persian Empire, once had captured a prince and his family. When they came before him, the monarch asked the prisoner, "What will you give me if I release you?" "The half of my wealth," was his reply. "And if I release your children?" "Everything I possess." "And if I release your wife?" "Your Majesty, I will give myself." Cyrus was so moved by his devotion that he freed them all. As they returned home, the prince said to his wife, "Wasn't Cyrus a handsome man!" With a look of deep love for her husband, she said to him, "I didn't notice. I could only keep my eyes on you- -the one who was willing to give himself for me."

That is what love is, a willingness to give yourself for your loved one especially your spouse. Men that is what women want. This is every woman’s dream. This is what Christ did for His bride, He gave His life for her and in the same way, husbands need to give their lives for their brides. This is what the Apostle Paul meant when he said husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church. As we celebrate this month of love we want to remind the husbands to love their wives in this manner, by giving themselves for her.

How do we do this? By listening to her without thinking of a solution to her problems. Just give her a listening ear, feel with her and connect with her at a very deep level. This takes time; it means giving up everything just to be with her and to listen to her 5000 words. It takes you giving up your solution oriented approach to issue as a man and feeling with her, having that eye contact, touching her and being very present in the moment.

You can also do this by spending financially on her, lavishing her with a little luxury. Pay for a massage for her; take her out in her favorite restaurant. It can also be as simple as giving her a break with the kids and letting her go have fun with the girls. It may mean coming home early once or twice a week. Whatever sacrifices it takes to meet her need in a meaningful way to her (not to you), that is how you demonstrate your love for your wife. That is how Christ love's her bride.

HEART MATTERS

How do we honor our spouse and our marriage?  It all begins in the heart. Solomon one of the wisest men who ever lived exhorts us in proverbs 4:23 that “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Why did he say that? Every word we speak and every action we take flows from our heart. Our thoughts and beliefs determine what we say and do.

One of the things that happen to us in marriage is that with time we allow the wrong stuff about our spouse to enter our hearts so that we have negative thoughts and beliefs about them. In dealing with couples Grace and I will often hear words like “My husband can’t change”; “You don’t know my wife”; “My wife is against me” or “My wife is always nagging me”; “My husband is lazy” and so on. For those of us who are analog, you can remember the old way we took pictures; you had to take the negative to be developed to get your picture. It wasn’t instant as we do today with the digital cameras. Similarly in our marriages, we spend a lot of time in the dark room developing a lot of negative thoughts and beliefs about each other.

What do you believe about your spouse? Common be honest. According to Gary Smalley in an article for Focus on the Family entitled “Honoring Your Spouse”; the answer to the question “What do you believe about your spouse?” determines everything about your marriage. What you think about your spouse on a regular basis forms beliefs in your heart.  Once these beliefs take root, they guide all your words and actions. What you believe about your spouse determines the quality of your conversations and time together. If you believe that they are a nag, or that they are not interesting then that will determine the quality of your conversations and time together. If you have those negative thoughts and beliefs about your spouse, you should start by examining your heart.

What things have you allowed into your heart?  True and lasting change begins with a change of heart. And once that is done, you need to continuously guard your heart for it is indeed the wellspring of life and of your marriage. Do due diligence to ensure that you don’t allow anything negative to pollute your thoughts and beliefs towards your spouse. When we think positively about them and our marriage, we will indeed have a great marriage for as a man or woman thinks in his/her heart, so is he/her spouse and their marriage.

HOW MUCH IS YOUR SPOUSE WORTH?

We recently read about this guy who was selling his wife for 900,000. That is how much he valued his wife. I remember many years ago when I went to pay dowry for my wife Grace telling her that she was worth more than the number of cows her  family demanded that we give them. Fast forward after many years of marriage I have found that I sometimes don’t treat Grace with such value. It is as if I’m now willing to sell her at 50% off sale price.

Unfortunately in many marriages, with time we have this tendency of taking each other and our marriage relationship for granted. We invest in everything else except our relationship with each other. We can pay anything for our health, we are quick to see the doctor if we suspect something wrong with our health but hardly see a Therapist or Counselor when things are not right in our marriage. We treat other people more importantly than our spouse. We give them our time and attention, compliment them, spend a lot on them as men but when it comes to our spouse we are mean. As ladies we remove our best china cutlery for the Pastor or that honored guest but yet serve our husband on that ordinary melamine plate. That’s how we take each other for granted instead of honoring each other.

We honor our stars be they a famous footballer, an artist, Politician or our Pastor. You should hear people talk about their heroes; we have posters of them everywhere and even tattoo them on our bodies. You should see how some Christians treat their Bishops and Pastors as if they were God Himself. Some of us will even kill you for talking negatively about our Political Leader. But when it comes to our spouse, we allow them to be roasted by our families; we treat them as an ordinary “mwanainchi”. We do this not consciously but unknowingly.

What is honor? According to marriage Counselor Dr. Gary Smalley, the Greek word for honor means “the amount at which something is valued.”  How much do you value your spouse? Dr. Gary Smalley goes ahead to say that “Honor is a decision to express high value, worth, and importance on another person, viewing that person as a priceless gift, and respectively granting him or her a place in our lives”. Is that how we treat our spouse?  Do you consider him or her as a priceless gift? Do you grant him or her the highest place in your life? Why don’t we decide to do that this year? This can be a good New Year’s resolution. Determine to deliberately treat your spouse and your relationship with them with honor after all “Marriage should be honored by all.” (Hebrews 13;4).

THERE'S HOPE

They were an old couple who had been married for quite some time now but they had no children. They had seen many gynecologists and tried many things even fasted and prayed but to no avail. Some brethren in their church had even suggested that maybe it was because of some sin, lack of faith, or something that they were doing or not doing that God was not pleased with. But Zack and his wife Liz were both righteous before God walking in all the commandments and ordinances of the Lord blameless. Why do bad things happen to good people? Well I don’t purport to know the reason as to why.

Zack didn’t let this fact dampen his spirit and though year after year he thought this would be the year, nothing happened. He didn’t allow this to discourage him from faithfully serving God in his church. Then voila! One day as he was serving faithfully at his place of duty bang! And angel appeared to him and gave him a wonderful message that his wife Liz would conceive and bear him a son. This was too good to be true. Zack had almost lost hope that such a thing would happen. In fact he was so full of unbelief that God struck him with dumbness lest he continue speaking his doubts instead of the promise of God.

As we come to the end of 2016, I don’t know how your year has been. Maybe like this couple Zack and Liz, you have believed God for something for many years but are still barren. You have no “child” and both you and your wife/hubby are well stricken in years. It seems like it might never happen but our encouragement to you is this “Fear not, for your prayer is heard…” Know for sure that whatever it is that you desire and have been praying for, your prayer is heard. He (God) has heard you.

Secondly we know that God has spoken certain things to you. What has God told you? What has He spoken to you about? You see God’s words for you shall be fulfilled in their season. There is always a season for everything. A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to plow and a time to reap, so don’t you worry, you might have been in the season of weeping and plowing, but your season of reaping and rejoicing is about to come. So hang in there your season is coming.

Thirdly, don’t despair. Don’t lose hope. No matter how long it has been, God can turn things around in a minute. There is hope our God is a God of restoration. He will restore to you all those years that the caterpillars have eaten. Maybe you have waited so long to have a baby, maybe you have waited so long to be married. Maybe you have waited soooooooooo long for a job or to start your business, build your own house or whatever it is. Be encouraged by the story of Zechariah and Elizabeth this holiday season, no matter how long there is hope. Have a hope filled 2017, Happy New Year!