GREAT MARRIAGES JUST DON'T HAPPEN (Part 4)

Someone has said that marriage is easy if only you put in some work. We enter marriage with great expectations which sometimes are unrealistic. We come into marriage with a fairy tale mentality, a happily ever mindset. But the reality of life is that there will always be good times and bad times more like the seasons in life. You just can’t expect that it will always be fun, it will always be summer, winter is on the way. Bad times are inevitable but that doesn’t mean that the marriage is over however bad you feel about each other. What you do during those bad moments is what will determine whether your marriage will grow or not. Use those bad moments to work for you and your marriage by practicing patience, conflict resolution and other relational skills.

Human nature so often wants to focus on the negatives. Why many marriages fail is because we dwell so much in the dark rooms of our marriage developing those negatives. We need to come out of that dark room and focus on positives things. Pay more attention to the things about your partner that you love and you will be surprised how you will start feeling positive about each other again.

Pay attention to your marriage too. So often our marriage relationship is confined in the back banner as we pay more attention to the urgent things that scream for our attention like the kids, our career, that business etc. Don’t let your children, career or social life put you asunder. Don’t even allow your hurts to come in between you. You didn’t get married to a perfect person so they are bound to hurt you from time to time. So learn to forgive each other and to be gracious to each other.

Accept each other in spite of your differences, different personalities, different interests and so on. Allow your partner to be themselves and don’t try cloning them into what you want them to be. Remember you are two individuals who are becoming one in marriage. Becoming one doesn’t meant losing our individuality but rather crafting an interdependent relationship between two whole individuals.

One of the greatest sins in marriage is the sin of assumption. Don’t assume you know why your partner did whatever they did or said whatever they said. Always ask you might just be wrong in your assumption. On the other hand don’t assume that your partner will automatically know what you are going through or are thinking. Never drop hints or say “nothing”. Be open. Say what is in your mind and openly express your feelings without violating your partner’s feelings. Being open and honest is the key to effective communication and the best way to build trust. Be yourself; stop pretending that it’s okay when deep down you are hurting. Accept and love each other for who you are. Don’t be judgmental or critical of your spouse but instead be curious and want to really know. Provide them with a safe environment to pour their hearts and hurts to you.

Learn each others love language and speak it to them. Husbands need to feel respected while wives need to be cherished. Do to each other that which communicates “I love you” in a way that is meaningful to them and not what you think will be meaningful to them. Affirm and appreciate each other. It’s the small things that really matter in marriage, things like “I love you”; “Thank you”; “I’m sorry” those words however small and simple can work magic in your marriage.

Be there for each other. Let your spouse know that no matter what, you will not leave them however bad things are. Let them know your commitment to them and to your marriage. Support each other financially. Work together as a team for two is better than one. Dream together, plan your future together, set goals together and encourage each other.

GREAT MARRIAGES DON'T JUST HAPPEN (Part 3)

There were Five Frogs on the side of a pond. Four decided to jump into the water, how many were left? Think carefully before answering this question. The immediate answer that comes into your mind is obviously 1, right? Wrong, the answer is 5. Why? You see we are only told that the Four Frogs decided to jump into the water but we are not told that they actually did.

Deciding to do something and actually doing it are two different things. Many times I have got these good intentions to do something romantic and special for my wife like, take her out for a date night, just take off from work and hang out with her, or even take her to the movies. But it remains just that, a good thought, good intentions. I have decided to do it but don’t follow through to actually do it. And this gap between good intentions and actualizing them is what differentiates an average marriage from a great one.

Closing that gap between what you have decided to do especially after reading a good book or article like this one on marriage, or even attending a marriage retreat, and actually doing it is what will guarantee you a great marriage. This is what we help many couples do in coaching them in their marriages. We have seen that in helping them put their plans on paper and then holding them accountable to take those action steps helps move their relationship from one level to another.

So don’t just sit there deciding that you are going to jump into your water whatever that may look like for you in your marriage. Go the extra mile and actually do it. Start now, don’t wait for the right time, begin now to work on your marriage. Know where you want to improve on. Work on specifics; don’t just say we want a better marriage. Identify the area you want to work on, find the resources you need to help you improve and then find someone who can hold you accountable to see you follow through on what you have decided to work on.

Yours for a better marriage!

GREAT MARRIAGES JUST DON'T HAPPEN (Part 2)

In our last blog we talked about the assumption that our marriage will grow automatically. We learned that relationships and more so marriage are easy if we just work hard at them. They prosper when and where they are attended to. You must engage the gear it’s not an automatic car.

The second trap that we do fall in is the lack of knowledge one. Not knowing how to do certain things like, how to communicate effectively, how to romance your spouse, how to have a fulfilling sex life, how to meet each other’s needs. These things again don’t just come naturally or automatically. They have to be learned. There are several books that can help you in the different areas of your marriage, there is the net, there are Marriage Seminars and Retreats organized by people like us where you get to learn some of these things. And you just don’t learn for information sake, you learn so as to put into practice.

The more you practice it, the more it becomes a skill that you use to grow your marriage. What we have observed with many couples is that they lack the basic skills especially communication and conflict resolution skills that would have saved their marriage. It is not just a matter of the heart as many couples wish for and pray for a good marriage, but it is also a matter of applying the right skills to have that kind of marriage that you desire. Of course it must first start with a desire because skills without desire, without the heart can lead to manipulation or doing things mechanically. No one wants that in their marriage.

So having the desire to grow your marriage,

·         What skills do you lack?

·         What do you need to do to learn those skills?

·         Where are you going to learn those skills from?

GREAT MARRIAGES DON'T JUST HAPPEN (Part 1)

Contrary to popular belief great marriages don’t just happen. It’s not just about marrying the right person for even those who thought they had married the right person and did nothing about their marriage ended up separating or having an average marriage. It’s not about wishing for and praying for a great marriage that makes it happen. For if wishes were true beggars would ride and there are some things in life that God will not do, you must do them yourself.

So what makes a great marriage? A great marriage is a life time process. Marriage is like a marathon not a sprint, so it’s not about how great you started but how you finish that matters. A great marriage takes intentionality, being deliberate to do what needs to be done to make your marriage work.  So often we assume that our marriages will grow automatically without much effort on our part. What we fail to realize is that a sailboat just allowed to follow the wind won’t end up where you intended.  

You must paddle it to the desired destination and that takes work. Paddling your boat or may I say your relationship involves doing some things that you may not be comfortable with. It may mean humbling yourself as a man to apologize to your wife. It may mean dear lady submitting to your husband even when you feel he’s not worth submitting to. It may mean investing some money in going out somewhere for a retreat just the two of you.  It may mean working through your issues to resolve that conflict.

Begin now to work on a better marriage; don’t wait for the right time. Now is the time, don’t procrastinate that date, don’t postpone that talk, don’t wait until you get a bonus to take her out. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Determine to do something this weekend, this week, this month that will transform your marriage.  

 Remember “The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; grass is greener where you water it. Relationships prosper when and where they are attended to.”

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Have you heard the statement “What a man can do a Woman can do better”. This seems to be the new mantra for empowered women in the market place. But how does this play out in relationships and marriage in particular? Are women usurping the man’s responsibility in the home and where are the men? Why are men afraid to commit and is it okay for a woman to approach a man?

Did you know that besides infidelity and money, the fight for equality is emerging as the "modern" cause of marriage breakdowns in Kenya, more so among women? And that 76 percent of men in Kenya who are divorced or separated say that they walked out of their marriages because their wives had become argumentative and disrespectful.

Come join us as we have a cup of Tea with Mum on Friday 8th July at Marble Arch Hotel over a conversation around this topic. In that discussion we will endeavor to find out-;

• Why are we having this problem (the battle of the sexes)?
• What was the original plan?
• How does an empowered successful woman remain submissive to her husband and how can a man lead and love such a woman in the 21^st Century?