GREAT MARRIAGES JUST DON'T HAPPEN (Part 2)

In our last blog we talked about the assumption that our marriage will grow automatically. We learned that relationships and more so marriage are easy if we just work hard at them. They prosper when and where they are attended to. You must engage the gear it’s not an automatic car.

The second trap that we do fall in is the lack of knowledge one. Not knowing how to do certain things like, how to communicate effectively, how to romance your spouse, how to have a fulfilling sex life, how to meet each other’s needs. These things again don’t just come naturally or automatically. They have to be learned. There are several books that can help you in the different areas of your marriage, there is the net, there are Marriage Seminars and Retreats organized by people like us where you get to learn some of these things. And you just don’t learn for information sake, you learn so as to put into practice.

The more you practice it, the more it becomes a skill that you use to grow your marriage. What we have observed with many couples is that they lack the basic skills especially communication and conflict resolution skills that would have saved their marriage. It is not just a matter of the heart as many couples wish for and pray for a good marriage, but it is also a matter of applying the right skills to have that kind of marriage that you desire. Of course it must first start with a desire because skills without desire, without the heart can lead to manipulation or doing things mechanically. No one wants that in their marriage.

So having the desire to grow your marriage,

·         What skills do you lack?

·         What do you need to do to learn those skills?

·         Where are you going to learn those skills from?

GREAT MARRIAGES DON'T JUST HAPPEN (Part 1)

Contrary to popular belief great marriages don’t just happen. It’s not just about marrying the right person for even those who thought they had married the right person and did nothing about their marriage ended up separating or having an average marriage. It’s not about wishing for and praying for a great marriage that makes it happen. For if wishes were true beggars would ride and there are some things in life that God will not do, you must do them yourself.

So what makes a great marriage? A great marriage is a life time process. Marriage is like a marathon not a sprint, so it’s not about how great you started but how you finish that matters. A great marriage takes intentionality, being deliberate to do what needs to be done to make your marriage work.  So often we assume that our marriages will grow automatically without much effort on our part. What we fail to realize is that a sailboat just allowed to follow the wind won’t end up where you intended.  

You must paddle it to the desired destination and that takes work. Paddling your boat or may I say your relationship involves doing some things that you may not be comfortable with. It may mean humbling yourself as a man to apologize to your wife. It may mean dear lady submitting to your husband even when you feel he’s not worth submitting to. It may mean investing some money in going out somewhere for a retreat just the two of you.  It may mean working through your issues to resolve that conflict.

Begin now to work on a better marriage; don’t wait for the right time. Now is the time, don’t procrastinate that date, don’t postpone that talk, don’t wait until you get a bonus to take her out. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Determine to do something this weekend, this week, this month that will transform your marriage.  

 Remember “The grass isn’t greener on the other side of the fence; grass is greener where you water it. Relationships prosper when and where they are attended to.”

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Have you heard the statement “What a man can do a Woman can do better”. This seems to be the new mantra for empowered women in the market place. But how does this play out in relationships and marriage in particular? Are women usurping the man’s responsibility in the home and where are the men? Why are men afraid to commit and is it okay for a woman to approach a man?

Did you know that besides infidelity and money, the fight for equality is emerging as the "modern" cause of marriage breakdowns in Kenya, more so among women? And that 76 percent of men in Kenya who are divorced or separated say that they walked out of their marriages because their wives had become argumentative and disrespectful.

Come join us as we have a cup of Tea with Mum on Friday 8th July at Marble Arch Hotel over a conversation around this topic. In that discussion we will endeavor to find out-;

• Why are we having this problem (the battle of the sexes)?
• What was the original plan?
• How does an empowered successful woman remain submissive to her husband and how can a man lead and love such a woman in the 21^st Century?

IF I COULD DO IT ALL AGAIN

 John Dresser wrote a book titled, "If I Could Do It All Again." In it he shares 8 things that he would do differently if he could go through his years of being a father all over again. Here is what he wrote:

1. "First of all, if I could do it all over again, I would love my wife more, because by loving my children's mother more, I would create an environment of security in our home. Our love would be something they could see something they would never have to worry about."

2. "Second, I would laugh more. I would relax & enjoy my children & laugh at their antics. I would spend more time with them & enjoy being a father."

3. "Third, I would present a more realistic model for my children to follow. I would be honest with them about myself. I would let them know that I had problems in school, too, that I stumbled, & made mistakes, & failed.

"I would let them know that I understand, & that they can come to me when they fail, because I have been there as well."

4. "Fourth, I would listen to what they say. I would listen to their pains & problems & worries & concerns. I would listen when they wanted to talk to me, because now I realize that if I listen to them when they are small, & to their little problems, then when they are big, & have big problems, they will still come & talk with me."

5. "Fifth, I would stop praying so much for my family because a father's prayers so often sound something like this, 'God, make my son & daughter good people. Help them to succeed in school. Help them to find the right person to marry. Take care of & protect them.'

"Instead, I would start praying more for myself, that I might be the right kind of father, realizing that when I become the right kind of father, my children will probably be the right kind of children."

6. "Sixth, I would pay more attention to little things. I would begin to appreciate the touch of love & the word of encouragement. So many times we fathers are quick to criticize their failures, & so slow to praise & encourage them when they do something right."

7. "Seventh, I would create an environment of belonging. I would want my children to know that they belong, & that they are important family members, because I realize that there are going to be people saying to them, 'Join this & join that.' But if they have a solid identity in the home & in the family they will not easily be led astray."

8. "Last, but certainly not least, I would make God an intimate friend of my family. I would use His name freely. I would communicate to them that He is involved in all our family decisions. I would want them to see me pray & read God's Word & search for His direction & leadership." So wrote John Dresser.

Folks, if I had my life to live over again, I think I would try very seriously to improve in those 8 areas, too.

MY WIFE AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER

You must have read the title and wondered when my wife Grace and I separated. My wife Grace has been away for three weeks. She led a team of Kenyan Students to the International Students Convention in the US.

Before she left I was wondering how I would survive with my three children but I can gladly report that I survived to tell the story. The past three weeks I have been what they call FAMY or KANU (Baba na Mama). I have had to rediscover my culinary skills and how to manage a household especially kitchen matters. This is the first time in a long while that Grace has been away alone as mostly we travel together with her or it’s me who is away. I have really learned a lot during this past three weeks.

The first lesson has been to appreciate my wife. As a man I realized that I have often times underestimated the importance of my wife’s role in the family. I have sometimes wondered why she sometimes complains a lot that she is tired. Managing those three kids, knowing what they are going to eat, homeschooling them and making sure that we have enough groceries in the house is quite something. So I’m coming out of this season of my life with awe of my wife. You see the more you stay together as a couple, the more likely you are to take each other for granted. I have taken my wife and her role in the house for granted and it is my prayer that hence forth I will constantly remember to appreciate her always.

The second lesson I have learned is the importance of connecting with my kids. Often times my wife has been there for them as a stay-at-home mum while I have been busy away trying hard to provide for them. But this past three weeks I have spent literally everyday with them and have enjoyed reconnecting with them. We have worked together, played together, and shared lots of stories together. We have become friends and this has been so fulfilling to me as much as they have also stressed me out a bit. I must say now that my relationship with my children is somewhere up there.

Lastly, I confirmed that the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is on point. My feelings for my wife have intensified and I must confess I have fallen in love with her yet again. In fact today as I write this I have declared a personal holiday so that I can just hang-out with her. Today I will celebrate my love for her!