THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES

Have you heard the statement “What a man can do a Woman can do better”. This seems to be the new mantra for empowered women in the market place. But how does this play out in relationships and marriage in particular? Are women usurping the man’s responsibility in the home and where are the men? Why are men afraid to commit and is it okay for a woman to approach a man?

Did you know that besides infidelity and money, the fight for equality is emerging as the "modern" cause of marriage breakdowns in Kenya, more so among women? And that 76 percent of men in Kenya who are divorced or separated say that they walked out of their marriages because their wives had become argumentative and disrespectful.

Come join us as we have a cup of Tea with Mum on Friday 8th July at Marble Arch Hotel over a conversation around this topic. In that discussion we will endeavor to find out-;

• Why are we having this problem (the battle of the sexes)?
• What was the original plan?
• How does an empowered successful woman remain submissive to her husband and how can a man lead and love such a woman in the 21^st Century?

IF I COULD DO IT ALL AGAIN

 John Dresser wrote a book titled, "If I Could Do It All Again." In it he shares 8 things that he would do differently if he could go through his years of being a father all over again. Here is what he wrote:

1. "First of all, if I could do it all over again, I would love my wife more, because by loving my children's mother more, I would create an environment of security in our home. Our love would be something they could see something they would never have to worry about."

2. "Second, I would laugh more. I would relax & enjoy my children & laugh at their antics. I would spend more time with them & enjoy being a father."

3. "Third, I would present a more realistic model for my children to follow. I would be honest with them about myself. I would let them know that I had problems in school, too, that I stumbled, & made mistakes, & failed.

"I would let them know that I understand, & that they can come to me when they fail, because I have been there as well."

4. "Fourth, I would listen to what they say. I would listen to their pains & problems & worries & concerns. I would listen when they wanted to talk to me, because now I realize that if I listen to them when they are small, & to their little problems, then when they are big, & have big problems, they will still come & talk with me."

5. "Fifth, I would stop praying so much for my family because a father's prayers so often sound something like this, 'God, make my son & daughter good people. Help them to succeed in school. Help them to find the right person to marry. Take care of & protect them.'

"Instead, I would start praying more for myself, that I might be the right kind of father, realizing that when I become the right kind of father, my children will probably be the right kind of children."

6. "Sixth, I would pay more attention to little things. I would begin to appreciate the touch of love & the word of encouragement. So many times we fathers are quick to criticize their failures, & so slow to praise & encourage them when they do something right."

7. "Seventh, I would create an environment of belonging. I would want my children to know that they belong, & that they are important family members, because I realize that there are going to be people saying to them, 'Join this & join that.' But if they have a solid identity in the home & in the family they will not easily be led astray."

8. "Last, but certainly not least, I would make God an intimate friend of my family. I would use His name freely. I would communicate to them that He is involved in all our family decisions. I would want them to see me pray & read God's Word & search for His direction & leadership." So wrote John Dresser.

Folks, if I had my life to live over again, I think I would try very seriously to improve in those 8 areas, too.

MY WIFE AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER

You must have read the title and wondered when my wife Grace and I separated. My wife Grace has been away for three weeks. She led a team of Kenyan Students to the International Students Convention in the US.

Before she left I was wondering how I would survive with my three children but I can gladly report that I survived to tell the story. The past three weeks I have been what they call FAMY or KANU (Baba na Mama). I have had to rediscover my culinary skills and how to manage a household especially kitchen matters. This is the first time in a long while that Grace has been away alone as mostly we travel together with her or it’s me who is away. I have really learned a lot during this past three weeks.

The first lesson has been to appreciate my wife. As a man I realized that I have often times underestimated the importance of my wife’s role in the family. I have sometimes wondered why she sometimes complains a lot that she is tired. Managing those three kids, knowing what they are going to eat, homeschooling them and making sure that we have enough groceries in the house is quite something. So I’m coming out of this season of my life with awe of my wife. You see the more you stay together as a couple, the more likely you are to take each other for granted. I have taken my wife and her role in the house for granted and it is my prayer that hence forth I will constantly remember to appreciate her always.

The second lesson I have learned is the importance of connecting with my kids. Often times my wife has been there for them as a stay-at-home mum while I have been busy away trying hard to provide for them. But this past three weeks I have spent literally everyday with them and have enjoyed reconnecting with them. We have worked together, played together, and shared lots of stories together. We have become friends and this has been so fulfilling to me as much as they have also stressed me out a bit. I must say now that my relationship with my children is somewhere up there.

Lastly, I confirmed that the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is on point. My feelings for my wife have intensified and I must confess I have fallen in love with her yet again. In fact today as I write this I have declared a personal holiday so that I can just hang-out with her. Today I will celebrate my love for her!

TWO DEADLY RELATIONSHIP KILLERS IN MARRIAGE

Our car has recently been in the garage and this I think has been one of the longest times it has stayed there. I drive an old Honda Odyssey which I must confess has served me well in the last almost 7 years. Parting with it is not easy for various reasons. Apart from the sentimental attachment we as a Family have for it, we love the big space inside with enough legroom, it is also high enough so you don’t have to look like you are squatting on the road, more than that I know that I cannot get its value’s worth in the Kenyan Toyota crazy market.

During this time that our car has been “sick” I have contemplated selling it even though I knew I won’t get enough money to buy a descent car. So I have been tempted to sell it and buy another junk with the little money I get hoping that it will be a more fuel efficient car which may just serve us well. But as I have toyed around with this idea, I have been reminded of a saying that goes like this “Better the devil you know than the angel you don’t know”. That shook some sense in me and made me stick to my Red “devil” that I know.

You may be wondering what my car has got to do with marriage. What is the moral of this story? Having worked with many couples and relationships, Grace and I have come to identify two great potential killers of every marriage relationship. One is taking each other for granted and the other is comparing our spouse with someone else.

These two weeks without a car has made me realize a new how useful my car is to us as a family however old it is and so I have come to appreciate it more than ever before. The same can be said of your spouse, we normally take each other for granted to the point that we fail to appreciate each other bickering and complaining a lot about each other instead. We forget how valuable we are to each other.   You ask the man or woman who has lost their spouse and they will tell you how much they wish they had appreciated them more or how much they miss them.

The second killer of marriages is comparing our spouse to another man or woman. During this time when my car has been down, I have borrowed several cars and all of them in some ways felt better than my car. But you know what? They were not mine plus I only had them for a season probably when they were at their best. Whenever you compare your spouse to another man or woman they will fall short because you know them in and out. As for the other man or woman, you just know them out, maybe it his six-pack or her shapely body that you see. But you don’t really know them inside. That’s where the saying “better the devil (now please don’t call your spouse this devil) you know than the angel you don’t comes in handy. Do you know that even he/she (meaning your spouse) also looked handsome or gorgeous once upon a time?

And do you know what? You can make them look like that once again. You ask me how? By going back to the number one killer, not taking them for granted but start counting your blessing one by one. Focus on their positives not just negatives, count them one by one, appreciate them for those positives and you will be surprised at what God will do in your relationship. I’m beginning to appreciate my car afresh and oh yes my wife too!

WHY DON'T WE JUST COMMUNICATE?

Did you know that Infidelity is NOT the leading cause of divorce? Although infidelity is the main cause unmarried couples who are living together split up, married couples often cite being incompatible or unable to communicate as the cause of their divorce. We will talk about incompatibility a little later but let’s start by analyzing why it is that as married couples we are unable to communicate.

What causes this communication breakdown?

TIME – Lack of time is the most common cause of communication breakdown. We are too busy and don’t have time for each other and so slowly by slowly we lose touch. A relationship is as strong as the communication between the two is strong. We need time to catch up, get to know what is really happening in each one’s life and yes to resolve conflict and clear any misunderstandings between us. This cannot happen in our ‘touch and go’ environment, it requires us slowing down, taking time off everything else to reconnect. Communication is what keeps us connected.

RECKLESS WORDS – Sometimes the words we utter when we annoyed or unknowingly are what causes the communication breakdown. Do we just say “I’m sorry you were hurt?” Or consider this one: “I’m sorry if I offended you.” What do these words mean? Are you saying the person shouldn’t have been hurt? Are you saying their hurt wasn’t really justified? Someone can read a lot of things into those reckless words. These words express no ownership of the part you played in your spouse’s pain. In apologizing, state the offense, and take ownership of the hurt you have caused knowingly or unknowingly. Let the offended party know that you never meant to push his or her buttons in that way.

The Bible says in Proverbs 16:24 that “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” 

We will look at the other two causes next week.