WHY DON'T WE JUST COMMUNICATE?

Did you know that Infidelity is NOT the leading cause of divorce? Although infidelity is the main cause unmarried couples who are living together split up, married couples often cite being incompatible or unable to communicate as the cause of their divorce. We will talk about incompatibility a little later but let’s start by analyzing why it is that as married couples we are unable to communicate.

What causes this communication breakdown?

TIME – Lack of time is the most common cause of communication breakdown. We are too busy and don’t have time for each other and so slowly by slowly we lose touch. A relationship is as strong as the communication between the two is strong. We need time to catch up, get to know what is really happening in each one’s life and yes to resolve conflict and clear any misunderstandings between us. This cannot happen in our ‘touch and go’ environment, it requires us slowing down, taking time off everything else to reconnect. Communication is what keeps us connected.

RECKLESS WORDS – Sometimes the words we utter when we annoyed or unknowingly are what causes the communication breakdown. Do we just say “I’m sorry you were hurt?” Or consider this one: “I’m sorry if I offended you.” What do these words mean? Are you saying the person shouldn’t have been hurt? Are you saying their hurt wasn’t really justified? Someone can read a lot of things into those reckless words. These words express no ownership of the part you played in your spouse’s pain. In apologizing, state the offense, and take ownership of the hurt you have caused knowingly or unknowingly. Let the offended party know that you never meant to push his or her buttons in that way.

The Bible says in Proverbs 16:24 that “Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” 

We will look at the other two causes next week.

WHAT ARE YOU TELLING YOURSELF?

Communication is one of the most important things in marriage and a lack of communication or ineffective communication can lead to marital breakdown.  There is what is called external communication that is communication between you and your spouse in the case of marriage and internal communication that is what you tell yourself.  In my many years experience working with people generally and married couples in particular, I have come to realize that the most important communication is that communication that you have with yourself.

For example the woman in the Bible who had suffered with bleeding for twelve years said to herself “If only I touch the hem of His (Jesus) garment I will be made whole” and when she did that she was indeed healed. The prodigal son said to himself, “How many of my father’s hired servants have a better diet than mine, I will arise and go back to my father” and he did that and was received back by his father. What are you telling yourself concerning yourself, your spouse or your marriage? Are you telling yourself beautiful things or are you constantly telling yourself that “if only I had married the right person …”, or that “I would only be happy if my spouse did …” or even “men will always cheat or women just like nagging”. How do you expect your marriage to thrive if you have such thoughts?

As much as external communication is important in marriage more important is this internal communication or self-talk, that is our internal thought process. We so often wish and pray that our spouse will change but what we don’t realize is that it is us to first change. We need to change our self talk as our self-talk is directed at our subconscious and our subconscious is non-judgmental and will strive to make every thought a reality. So we need to change our self talk in order to change our reality.

How do we do this? By first realizing where those thoughts are coming from. Where does our self talk come from? Every individual has a unique mode of self talk. This evolves from our ethnic beliefs, upbringing (nurture), life experience (nature) our own self-worth and even our relationships with friends, peers, family and authority figures. So first and foremost become aware of how you are talking to yourself and then listen to clues for negative self-talk. After that dig deep to find where those thoughts are coming from.  Is it coming from your ethnic beliefs, your upbringing or the company you are keeping?

WHAT IS THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL?

If you were to rank the following four important things in life according to your priorities which would you rank first-;

1.       Education for yourself and family members

2.       Keeping or getting a new job (your career)

3.       Building or owning a house

4.       Your marriage and family

According to the 2016 Fin-Access House-Hold Survey Report, marriage or having children, building or improving your home, and keeping in touch with friends and family are the least important goals for Kenyans. Only 3.2% Kenyans prioritize marriage as compared to 3.9% who prioritize building or improving their homes and 4.6% keeping in touch with friends and family. 

Educating self or one’s family, putting food on the table and keeping or getting a new job were cited as the most important goals by the respondents at 31.5%, 27.45 and 20% respectively.

This shows that Kenyans put a lot of value in educating themselves and family and put little value on their marriage and relationships. Contrary to what many of us who are married say, that our marriage and family is the most important thing in our lives, it is now clear that we value other things more than our relationships. What you value you put more resources in be it finances; time or energy and what you don’t value you invest less and less of these resources.

This explains the poor state of our society because a strong society is as a result of strong families which are a result of strong marriages.  We tend to look at what can give us material good and instant gratification at the expense of that which is important for the long haul. It has been said that many a man doesn’t regret or wish they spend more time at their job, got themselves the best education they could have got, or bought the most toys they could have bought. But majority wish they had spent more time with their loved ones.

So let me ask you again, what is the most important thing in your life? Where are you spending most of your time, money or energy in? That will surely open your eyes to see what really is important to you.

MONEY & RELATIONSHIPS

This past Monday night on the big question on Citizen TV at 9, Janet Mbugua had a panel of two couples, two singles and two experts discussing the important subject of money and relationships. The discussion was very lively and certain truths were shared and I believe discovered as well.

This conversation was very important because they say that money, sex and communication are the big three causes of marital failure. Here in our Nation money was found to be the second most important cause of marital dissatisfaction after overly nosey in-laws. Why is money such a big thing in marriage?

Money reveals a lot of things in us. Money reveals our character and our values. It is unfortunate that when two people fall in love they never critically look or discuss money matters and yet money matters. So in the next few weeks we want to look at why money matters in marriage and how we can live in such a way that money won’t put us asunder. The first thing will look at is our financial differences, how different we are financially.

1.       Background versus Present

Our background, how we were raised has a lot to do with how we handle money. For example a man who grew up in a home where his father was the sole bread winner enters into marriage wanting to provide and is sometime uneasy when his spouse is also earning and able to provide. They struggle with this as they feel not man enough when they are not able to provide due to one reason or another. A lady on the other hand who was brought up in a similar home where the Dad was the sole bread winner and thus frustrated her mum and subjected her to a lot of suffering grows up vowing within herself never to let a man treat her the way her mum was treated by her dad. This drives her to earn her own money and there is a tendency for her to hide her money from her man and to become financially independent making her own financial decisions thus causing problems in her marriage.

2.       Control versus Independence

Money can become a problem in marriage because the man wants control and the women want independence. Men want power and one of the ways they think they can control their wife is through their finances. They feel that they are on top of things in the home front when they are calling the shots and one of the ways they call the shots is through money. No wonder when a man loses his job things become tough for him because he feels he has lost that control. Ladies on the other hand have a tendency of being independent and so often want to rebel instead of submit to their men thus cascading the issue.

3.       Details versus Big Picture

Generally speaking men are given to seeing the big picture while women are better managers in the home so the men usually think of long term investments while women pay a lot of attention to the details. What is needed now. It is sometimes not a man woman thing but also different financial personality types or just how we were brought up that can bring about this difference. This can sometimes cause conflict in the home as the one given to detail bogs the other down with small things that are for the here and now while the other party is busy trying to long into the thereafter.

4.       Spender versus Saver

Depending on what you saw in your parents growing up, you tend to be like them or you react and fear being like them. This is also true financially. If you parents are suffering now because they didn’t save and make some wise investments, you may be driven by the fear of ending up like them so you are forced to save at all cost sometimes to the point of denying your family some leisure. On the other hand if you grew up in a family were your parents lived by the motto “Eat, drink now and be merry for tomorrow will take care of itself” you are likely to want to continue living by that motto and woe unto you if you get married to a miser (saver). This can cause serious problems in your relationship.

ONLINE DATING (Part 1)

Several years ago a lady came into my office and asked me if online dating was okay. She had found someone online and after several correspondences they had agreed to start a long term relationship. This man was in the US while this lady lived here in Kenya. I didn't have enough information to help me advice her on weather it was right or wrong to get a mate online.

I was careful not to pour cold water on this lady's excitement even though I had my own reservations about this relationship. I told her that I was happy for her and requested her to introduce me to her new found love  as soon as he landed in Kenya (which he was to do in a month's time). I didn't see this lady for a while and the next time I bumped into her and asked her about her 'guy' she only laughed and told me that was a closed chapter. She later shared with me how disappointed she was when she set her eyes on the guy at the Airport.

Now there are those like my lady friend who have had such a terrible experience with online dating but I must confess that there are also some who have met online and are now happily married. In fact statistics show that 1 out of ever 6 Americans that got married last year met online. don't know what the stats are here in Kenya but from my experience it is on the upward trend.

As we become more and more digital we can not ignore the impact of that on online dating especially with our dot.com generation. As we begin another year, there are many singles out there especially ladies whose one dream this year is to get married, or at least to find someone special in their lives. In this early part of the year will be sharing some insights on the pros and cons of online dating and trying to help you make the most of this platform to find "The special one". Keep it here!

STOP & REFLECT

Last week Thursday November the 26th was declared a public holiday to allow people to attend the Pope's mass at the university grounds as well as to take time as a Nation to reflect. While Americans celebrated thanksgiving day we in Kenya were supposed to be taking time to reflect.

We wonder how many of you did actually stop and reflect. But as we come to the end of yet another year, don't you think it is a good time for all of us who are married to stop and reflect on the condition of our marriage? And as we do so, may we suggest to you that you take time to first and foremost single out things that you might as well be thankful for. This might seem to be a difficult thing as you begin why? because we so often tend to focus on that which is not working and forget to celebrate and be thankful for what is working well.

This is because we spend a lot of time in the dark room developing the negatives in our spouses or relationship. We rarely get out of those dark rooms to see the sunlight and celebrate and be thankful for the positives in our spouse and relationship. Let me ask you Sir, when is the last time you appreciated your wife for taking good care of your children, cooking that good meal for you and giving you good sex?

What about you dear lady, when is the last time you truly thanked your man for the effort he is making to ensure that you are comfortable as a family, in providing for you and the children and for remaining faithful to you in these days of mpango wa kando? And so as we stop to reflect lets start on a positive note by being thankful and celebrating the good things in your spouse and in your relationship before we quickly look at what can or should be done better.

REAL MEN CRY

Ladies let me ask you…

·         Is your man unable to discuss his feelings?

·         Is your man determined to avoid his feelings?

·         Is your man unable to express love, sorrow, or pain?

·         Is your man unable or unwilling to cry?

·         Is your man insensitive to your emotions?·         

           Does your man physically leave the room when emotional issues are discussed?

·         Does he lighten the mood or change the topic when emotional issues are discussed?

If you answered yes to one or all of the above questions then you are not alone. In our experience helping couples in their marriage and relationships, Grace and I have found that this is a common complaint among women. Their men can’t, NOT just won’t, open up to them. Why do I say that? Some men, in fact a majority of them want to open up to their wives but just can’t. They are unable to or don’t know how to. 

According to Relationship Expert Dr. Gary Smalley, a man who can cry is a man who has learned some secrets about intimacy. But sadly, for many men it takes something tragic or life-changing before they understand this truth. Yet many boys emerge from adolescence with a strong sense that being strong and unfeeling is the “masculine” thing to do (no wonder the other day when our Deputy President cried in public it was deemed to be culturally offensive). When a male brain is saturated in testosterone, it doesn’t take much, even from well-meaning family members, to give a boy the message that emotions and feelings are only for girls.

Then when a man enters into a relationship with a woman and even marries her she expects him to show the very emotions and feelings that as a boy he was told not to show. For this to happen, the man must be willing to undergo a serious paradigm shift in order for him to now accept that it’s okay for a man to cry and openly show his feelings. After all contrary to what we have always heard, real men also cry. This paradigm shift is important but not easy and once it is achieved it can release a man to open up and become emotionally intimate, truly one with his woman like never before.