PRINCIPLE # 9

FRIENDSHIP

In our experience working with couples it always amazes us how two people can be married and yet be living separate lives. They have very little in common, don’t enjoy each others company and are not friends.  They fell in love with each other, got married quickly but never developed their friendship. They were just lovers but not friends.

You see relationships should progress from one stage into the next naturally. We should first begin with a friendship that leads into a courtship and then if all goes well into marriage. It is at the friendship stage that we get to know each others’ likes and dislikes. We get to know their interests, their hobbies, their values, their families, where they are coming from, what their strengths and weaknesses are, what their dreams are and so on. It is an important stage of the relationship because if one is very keen, it is at this stage that you can be able to make an informed choice whether or not to move this relationship forward to the next level.

Unfortunately many of us miss this very important stage in a relationship and rush things through instead of allowing them to grow organically. We rush into courtship which itself is rushed into co-habitation or engagement then later on in life we start discovering that we really have very little in common. The relationship becomes strained and we continue to live together for the sake of family, our parents and the children we have. So we live unhappily ever after no wonder we start looking for something or someone outside our marriage that can excite us.

Marriages that are built on strong friendships have a higher chance of outliving those that are not.  Grace advice to singles planning to get married is normally this,  “marry a friend not just a lover”. Couples who are not just lovers but friends tend to enjoy each others company, have a lot in common and experience true companionship which really is the purpose of marriage.

PRINCIPLE # 8

Ability to resolve conflict

It was Bishop T.D.Jakes while making the movie “Not Easily Broken” who said that, “We got to do something to sustain our relationships. We are losing our ability to survive conflict in our own homes”. We couldn’t agree more with him as from our own experience in dealing with married couples; it is this inability to resolve conflict that is destroying many marriages.

Our attitude in conflict is first and foremost wrong. We are not willing to humble ourselves and admit that we could be wrong. We fail to have an attitude of teamwork instead dealing with each other as adversaries. It’s me against you instead of us against whatever it is that is coming in between us to put us asunder. When we fail to have a team spirit we end up scoring in our own goal. We should have a win-win attitude and not a win-lose one where at the end of it all we both leave happy. We all especially the men like to win, but what does it profit us to win an argument and lose our spouse?

We often times miss the mark because we are dealing with the fruit instead of the root causes. What sometimes we think is the problem, money, sex or in-laws is not the problem. There are many underlying issues that are the cause of the problem. Being aware of these underlying issues like our fears, unfulfilled expectations and unmet needs goes a long way in helping us understand not just ourselves but our spouse. The goal of conflict resolution is not that we come to an agreement, as we will not always agree, but rather to an understanding.

Understanding where my spouse is coming from and why she is reacting the way he or she is will help a lot in conflict resolution. Listening well to understand, providing a safe environment where we feel safe to open up and where our feelings are validated helps a lot in resolving conflict. Failure to listen well and to communicate well escalates conflict rather than d-escalate it.

Being sensitive to each others needs is also paramount. When upset, a wife should not criticize or deal with her husband contemptuously as this makes him feel disrespected and this in turn demotivates him. On the other hand by withdrawing or stonewalling his wife, a man makes his wife feel rejected and this adds fuel to the fire.

PRINCIPLE # 7

Live a shared Life

Marriage is the most comprehensive form of shared life that a human being can ever experience. But unfortunately many couples end up living independent parallel lives even though they still claim to be married. They don’t have a common vision for their family, their finances belong to each of them and not both of them, they don’t endeavor to spend time together and plan together. They don’t operate as a unit. It’s about mine and yours not ours.

Why do we get married? If we want to continue living our independent lives, then why get married? It was God who saw it not good for man to be alone. And so He made him a helpmate suitable for him. He made him and gave him someone to share his life with. Now note that He didn’t give him another man, but a woman. It doesn’t matter what the US Supreme Court judgment allowing for same sex marriage says, that was not God’s plan. His plan was for a man to leave his father and mother and to become one with his wife.

The sole purpose of marriage is companionship. Being a friend not just a lover or a roommate, or even "baba nani" or "mama nani". Living a shared life means not just having a common vision, but doing life together. Playing and praying together, having activities together, enjoying each others company. Living with the other in mind, thinking about them, what makes them happy what makes them sad? Sharing your thoughts, your fears, your dreams and expectations is how we live a shared life. 

PRINCIPLE # 6

Build and Maintain Trust

“Shutting down’ is actually one of the worst relationship killers,” says Cheryl Burke, a licensed mental health therapist in Winter Park, Florida. “Many intimate relationships are destroyed by an inability to communicate. When one partner or both has developed a pattern of shutting down when they’re uncomfortable, it is because they do not trust the other person enough to share their thoughts and feelings. In fact, in many cases the person does not even know that it is a trust issue.”

In marriage trust is everything. For you to have a healthy relationship trust must be there. We build and maintain high trust levels by being open in our communication, being vulnerable and allowing our spouse into our hearts. The reason many times we fear being vulnerable is because of how we have tried being vulnerable in the past and we were hurt. But you can’t have a relationship without vulnerability, and the reason vulnerability is called vulnerability is that it requires risk.

According to author Patrick Lencioni, in his book The Advantage, for Leaders to begin the process of making their organizations and families healthier, is to begin with themselves and their team. A leader has to understand and embrace the concept of being vulnerable, which inspires trust on the leadership team. That trust is the foundation for teamwork, and marriage is indeed teamwork.

Are you willing to stick your neck out by bearing yourself to your spouse because you know that your spouse will care for you when you do? Are you caring enough to hold your spouse’s heart when they open themselves up to you? That is how you build trust, by willing to be vulnerable and by providing them with a safe environment where they too can be vulnerable with you.

Principe # 5

Realistic concept of love and healthy expectations of marriage

We all come into marriage with great expectations or with little or no expectations depending where one is coming from. For example if you have grown up seeing men cheating on their wives and probably your own Father used to cheat on your Mother, there is a tendency that you will enter marriage with little or no expectations that your husband will remain faithful to you. So you are always suspicious of him and are always waiting for that to happen. This is obviously an unhealthy expectation of marriage.

On the other hand many of us come into marriage with this great expectations of a happily ever after like we see in movies or read on those fairy tales. But what we don’t realize is that yes, those are just that fairy tales. In real life real things happen. We disagree, we go broke, the good feelings come and go not to mention our differences, from different backgrounds, and we have different personalities and communication styles. 

What Grace and I try to help couples realize during our premarital coaching program is to be realistic in their expectations. We help them enter marriage with a balanced view of marriage and a realistic concept of love. A realistic concept of love realizes that love is more than feelings; it’s a commitment, a decision to love. So when the good feelings go, relax, don’t panic, just remember that you made a commitment to each other and once you decide to love them then you fall in love with them once again.