TEN PRINCIPLES FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

A Happy New Year to all of our faithful followers. Even as we begin a new year 2015, Grace and I want to share with you what we believe are ten principles for success in marriage.

       

      PRINCIPLE # 1 - Don’t lose hope even in the most difficult times. All marriages go through different seasons, good times and some bad times. No wonder we vow to remain committed to our spouse for better or for worse. Now it is much easier to stick together when things are better. But when things go south, when one spouse loses a job, there is death in the family, or even in worst cases like one partner being unfaithful, we shouldn’t lose hope.

We should always keep hope alive. Whenever I have conflicts with Grace, what keeps me going in our marriage is the fact that I always have this hope that ‘tutatoboa’ no matter what. This hope is what motivates me to confront the issues and Grace to see to it that we resolve that conflict. It is this hope that keeps us together even when things are tough. Without hope you won’t have the motivation to do the right things like being patient with your spouse, forgiving them for that awful mistake, and loving them in spite of…

Even when things got so bad to the degree of unfaithfulness by one partner, you need to believe that it is possible to not only heal a marriage but to have an even stronger marriage on the other side of the valley. Grace and I have had the privilege of walking with couples who thought that their marriage was over only to help them restore their marital hopes and dreams through our “OKOA NDOA” program. Today some of these couples have the best of marriages that is the envy of many. Through this journey these couples have come to believe that it’s not all that bad, that together as a Team they can overcome their challenges and they have.  

Are you about to give up on your marriage? What areas of your marriage have you already given up on? You say he can never, this can never happen in our marriage, or she can never … This year know that God wants to restore your hopes and dreams even in those areas of your relationship and marriage. Next week we look at the second principle for successful marriage.

“The only thing that stands between a man and his dreams is the belief that it is possible, and the will to try.” – Rich DeVos

MARRIAGE SOLUTIONS

"You need to talk to my husband", Jane said as she sat across Grace and I on the other side of the table. "He is not talking and I feel like I’m the one who has to make all the decisions in our marriage. Where is the head? Why can’t he provide leadership in the home?”  Jane cried. Tony who had all along been sitting quietly next to her looking intently at her retorted, “How can I talk to someone who is constantly shouting at me.”  “Jane does not respect me, when I tell her that I’m going to do something, she feels that I’m just buying time and that I won’t do it”, Tony added.

Obviously this couple was in serious conflict. As we continued with our conversations it was clear that Jane was comparing her husband Tony with her Dad who was a go-getter and who ruled his family with an iron-hand. Tony on the other hand was this laid back kind of guy who didn’t seem to be moved by anything. He was quite the opposite of Jane’s Dad and by extension of Jane herself.

Tony on the other hand had through the years in marriage because of Jane’s personality, let Jane run their home and relationship. It was kind of reversed roles with Jane taking the leadership and Tony following. Obviously Tony wasn’t happy with this situation but seemed helpless in what to do. The more Jane longed for him to rise up and provide leadership in the home, the more Tony recoiled back into his cave thus creating this vicious cycle. 

What Tony and Jane don't realize is that-;

1. They are two very different personalities and what initially attracted them to each other (as opposites attract) was what was causing them to attack each other now.

2. Jane was comparing her husband Tony with her Dad. This is one of the most common mistakes many couples make in marriage, comparing their spouse to their favorite Parent.

3. By being forceful and demanding, Jane was pushing Tony back into his shell instead of bringing out the leader she wanted to see in him.

4. Tony had allowed Jane to take leadership because of his passivity thus causing Jane to be frustrated. The most important thing a man should provide for his family and especially his wife is leadership. Women feel secure in the relationship as the man takes his place of leadership in the home. 

PINK Versus BLUE

It always amazes us how men and women are so different and these differences play out during a conflict. The woman complains how her man is so withdrawn and cares for nothing but his job not realizing that the man is wired to provide materially for their family and that he derives his identity and self-worth from what he does.

According to Anastasia Toufexis, when men try to kill themselves, it is commonly out of an injured sense of pride or competence, often related to work. On the other hand, when women attempt suicide, it is usually because of failures involving lovers, family, or friends. Understanding these fundamental differences can help a couple realize what this means to each other and thus try to be sensitive enough when dealing with issues affecting these areas of each others lives?

For example, a wife must approach the issue of the man’s job with a lot of sensitivity, first acknowledging and affirming her man for his competence and hard work. Appreciate his efforts to provide for the family and shower him with her admiration. Pay attention to what he does by developing an interest in his job. By so doing she becomes a great friend to him.

On the other hand, the man must realize his wife’s relational needs. He must work hard to develop a healthy work/life balance. He must be willing to sometimes sacrifice his work for his wife and family. When your wife sees you making that effort, sacrificing to be with her and the kids, she will be more understanding during those seasons when you must put in more hours to see that project accomplished. 

What do you think? Let's interact.

Focus on your circle of influence

This week (Tuesday 26th) Grace and I celebrate our 19 years of marriage.To be married to the same woman lo these many years is a great achievement for a guy like me. And to be married to only one woman for that matter is even a greater miracle. To God be the glory great things He has done especially in my life.

One crucial lesson that we have learned over those 19 years is take control of that which only we can take control of. I have learned that I have absolutely no control over how Grace will act or react in a moment of conflict but I have complete control over what my reaction will be. Instead of accusing her of making me mad I have realized that she simply pressed the wrong, or is it the right button and ‘boom!’ I went crazy and said some nasty things that I shouldn’t have.

According to Steve Covey in his book 7 habits of highly effective people, proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of influence, things that they have control over while Reactive people focus their efforts on the circle of concern (things they have no control over or have very little control over) which results in blaming accusing attitudes. No wonder many couples spend their entire marriage life blaming and accusing each other thus the two never becoming one. 

Join us in our next School of Marriage SoMa class starting 3rd September, for more details call Grace on 0729-237766.

SHARED EXPERIENCES

Last weekend we had a graduation class for our School of Marriage class. An 8 week program that is geared towards helping married couples successfully navigate the conflict stage of their relationship by understanding each other in a deeper way. Our Coach trainer Dr. Les Brickman, who was our Chief Guest spoke of two important things that he believes, contributes to the two becoming one and remaining one in marriage.

First he talked of the importance of shared experiences. When husband and wife share certain experiences together, it goes a long way in cementing their relationship. These shared experiences can be simple things like having meals together, praying together, going to Church together, being involved with each other and in each others professions and hobbies. Talking and asking about each others jobs, getting to know what they are experiencing at work can be a very powerful shared experience.

Shared experiences can be the high times in your marriage like a vacation abroad together or some painful experiences like going through a loss in the family. Whichever way, let it be something that bonds you together even the more. Plan doing things together as this produces togetherness and shared memories. Grace and I work together, we do our conferences together and also love to relax and watch a good movie together. These shared experiences have drawn us more closer than anything else.

Women are more naturally inclined to want to share their experiences with their husbands but for the men it doesn’t come naturally. We must consciously make the effort, be intentional in allowing our wives into our lives for that shared experience to be realized.

Next week we will look at the second thing that Les talked about. Check out our graduation photos on our Two Ships Facebook page.