PINK Versus BLUE

It always amazes us how men and women are so different and these differences play out during a conflict. The woman complains how her man is so withdrawn and cares for nothing but his job not realizing that the man is wired to provide materially for their family and that he derives his identity and self-worth from what he does.

According to Anastasia Toufexis, when men try to kill themselves, it is commonly out of an injured sense of pride or competence, often related to work. On the other hand, when women attempt suicide, it is usually because of failures involving lovers, family, or friends. Understanding these fundamental differences can help a couple realize what this means to each other and thus try to be sensitive enough when dealing with issues affecting these areas of each others lives?

For example, a wife must approach the issue of the man’s job with a lot of sensitivity, first acknowledging and affirming her man for his competence and hard work. Appreciate his efforts to provide for the family and shower him with her admiration. Pay attention to what he does by developing an interest in his job. By so doing she becomes a great friend to him.

On the other hand, the man must realize his wife’s relational needs. He must work hard to develop a healthy work/life balance. He must be willing to sometimes sacrifice his work for his wife and family. When your wife sees you making that effort, sacrificing to be with her and the kids, she will be more understanding during those seasons when you must put in more hours to see that project accomplished. 

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Focus on your circle of influence

This week (Tuesday 26th) Grace and I celebrate our 19 years of marriage.To be married to the same woman lo these many years is a great achievement for a guy like me. And to be married to only one woman for that matter is even a greater miracle. To God be the glory great things He has done especially in my life.

One crucial lesson that we have learned over those 19 years is take control of that which only we can take control of. I have learned that I have absolutely no control over how Grace will act or react in a moment of conflict but I have complete control over what my reaction will be. Instead of accusing her of making me mad I have realized that she simply pressed the wrong, or is it the right button and ‘boom!’ I went crazy and said some nasty things that I shouldn’t have.

According to Steve Covey in his book 7 habits of highly effective people, proactive people focus their efforts in the Circle of influence, things that they have control over while Reactive people focus their efforts on the circle of concern (things they have no control over or have very little control over) which results in blaming accusing attitudes. No wonder many couples spend their entire marriage life blaming and accusing each other thus the two never becoming one. 

Join us in our next School of Marriage SoMa class starting 3rd September, for more details call Grace on 0729-237766.

SHARED EXPERIENCES

Last weekend we had a graduation class for our School of Marriage class. An 8 week program that is geared towards helping married couples successfully navigate the conflict stage of their relationship by understanding each other in a deeper way. Our Coach trainer Dr. Les Brickman, who was our Chief Guest spoke of two important things that he believes, contributes to the two becoming one and remaining one in marriage.

First he talked of the importance of shared experiences. When husband and wife share certain experiences together, it goes a long way in cementing their relationship. These shared experiences can be simple things like having meals together, praying together, going to Church together, being involved with each other and in each others professions and hobbies. Talking and asking about each others jobs, getting to know what they are experiencing at work can be a very powerful shared experience.

Shared experiences can be the high times in your marriage like a vacation abroad together or some painful experiences like going through a loss in the family. Whichever way, let it be something that bonds you together even the more. Plan doing things together as this produces togetherness and shared memories. Grace and I work together, we do our conferences together and also love to relax and watch a good movie together. These shared experiences have drawn us more closer than anything else.

Women are more naturally inclined to want to share their experiences with their husbands but for the men it doesn’t come naturally. We must consciously make the effort, be intentional in allowing our wives into our lives for that shared experience to be realized.

Next week we will look at the second thing that Les talked about. Check out our graduation photos on our Two Ships Facebook page.

MARRIAGE LESSONS FROM MOUNT LONGONOT

Last weekend I went with a team of men who are finishing our men of purpose program to climb Mount Longonot. It was ten years since I last dared this and I must say it was very challenging. My muscles are still recovering from the effects of that. What a joy it was seeing all of us plus the other groups who were out there accomplish this feat. There were shouts of joy, sighs of relieve and most of all a deep sense of accomplishment.

Looking back at that experience, I learned several valuable lessons that apply to our marriage relationship. First, just like climbing Mount Longonot, the marriage relationship is a very challenging one. Several times on my way up I was tempted to give up especially climbing those very steep terrains but I’m glad I didn’t. How many couples have given up on their relationship just because of a rough patch when if only they endured it would have propelled them to the next level of their relationship?

Secondly, I realized how important the support of others is. If I was alone I would have probably given up halfway. But because of the others support, I made. In marriage as husband and wife, we need each others support. We should be each others number one cheer leader offering them all the support they need especially in those difficult moments.

Finally, we need to slow down for the sake of the slower one. Someone has aptly put it that if you walk alone, you will walk fast, but if you walk with others you will walk far. And far I walked as I scaled the mountain as I slowed down for others. We can only go far in our relationship if we will be patient enough with each other slowing down for their sake. 

SoMa - School of Marriage

SoMa is here with us, come join us for an exciting journey that will help you as an individual identify your fears, become aware of your expectations, discover your needs, learn to listen to, understand and validate your spouse and know yourself more. This will equip you to navigate well the turbulent waters of marriage as you become confident in resolving conflict and restoring your relationship so that it not only survives but thrives in these tough times.

This is an 8 weeks program that runs from Wednesday June 4th to July 23rd. Classes are once a week on Wednesdays  at our offices on Mtito Andei Road Kilimani, next to Mtito Andei apartments and opposite International Leadership University (ILU, formerly NIST).

Cost: Only Kshs. 10,000/= per couple. Register now to book your place. Registration fee is only Kshs. 1,500/= and is payable through mpesa no. 0729-237766.

THREATS TO YOUR MARRIAGE

Conflict is bound to happen where two or three people are gathered together and more so in marriage. We will not always agree on everything since we come from different backgrounds, have different perspectives and have different needs. This coupled with our expectations of one another which in marriage unfortunately is high and often times unrealistic, is bound to cause a lot of conflict.

According to Bishop T.D. Jakes of The Porter’s house, “we got to do something to sustain our relationships. We are losing our ability to survive conflict in our homes.” This is what is causing a lot of marriage breakdowns today. I couldn’t agree with him more. Relationships will have ups and downs and our ability to recognize and resolve conflict is what will determine whether our marriages will thrive or barely survive.

Our capacity to resolve conflicts maturely and negotiate solutions as we consider other people’s perspectives shows how emotionally mature we are. The emotionally mature people are aware of their needs, their expectations, their opinions and prejudices and their emotions and this helps them then manage well their emotions and thus resolve conflict effectively.

IN-LAWS OR OUT-LAWS

In the movie “NOT EASILY BROKEN” one of the major causes of David and Clarice’s marriage is Clarice’s mum who comes to stay with the couple after Clarice breaks her leg in a car accident. Clarice with the instigation of her mum actually ends up throwing David out of their matrimonial home.

Many marriages like David and Clarice’s today are being destroyed by interference from the overly nosy in-laws who want to have a say on where we live, what we do, how many children we have, their names and so forth. In fact results from a recent poll on some of the causes of marital break-up in Kenya placed interference by overly nosy in-laws as having overtaken infidelity as the leading cause of broken marriages in Kenya. As portrayed in popular Television series “Mother-in-law”, how many Mothers-in-law have destroyed their son’s or daughter’s marriages as they try to run them by remote control if not from your own house as is the case of David and Clarice in the movie.

From our own experience working with married couples, many married men in particular don’t actually leave their Father and more importantly their Mother before cleaving to their wife. Leaving doesn’t mean just physically leaving (there are quite a number of men who get married straight from their mother’s houses though), but emotionally and psychologically leaving. The two cannot be one as long as one is still holding on to Mama. Two is company and three is definitely a crowd especially in marriage.

For our marriages to last, we must have clear cut boundaries drawn and agree how much we involve our families of origin in our marriages. Husband and Wife must recognize that it is now their turn to build their own family, their parents turn came and went. Parents can only provide advice when sought for but ultimately, your wife or husband carries the veto power. Mama must thus lose all her voting privileges in your marriage.  

THIS WEEK WE ARE HAVING OUR ANNUAL MARRIED COUPLES VALENTINE DINNER & DANCE COME SPICE UP YOUR MARRIAGE AS YOU JOIN US TOGETHER WITH OTHER COUPLES IN CELEBRATING LOVE. CALL 0729-237766 FOR MORE DETAILS.