SoMa - School of Marriage

SoMa is here with us, come join us for an exciting journey that will help you as an individual identify your fears, become aware of your expectations, discover your needs, learn to listen to, understand and validate your spouse and know yourself more. This will equip you to navigate well the turbulent waters of marriage as you become confident in resolving conflict and restoring your relationship so that it not only survives but thrives in these tough times.

This is an 8 weeks program that runs from Wednesday June 4th to July 23rd. Classes are once a week on Wednesdays  at our offices on Mtito Andei Road Kilimani, next to Mtito Andei apartments and opposite International Leadership University (ILU, formerly NIST).

Cost: Only Kshs. 10,000/= per couple. Register now to book your place. Registration fee is only Kshs. 1,500/= and is payable through mpesa no. 0729-237766.

THREATS TO YOUR MARRIAGE

Conflict is bound to happen where two or three people are gathered together and more so in marriage. We will not always agree on everything since we come from different backgrounds, have different perspectives and have different needs. This coupled with our expectations of one another which in marriage unfortunately is high and often times unrealistic, is bound to cause a lot of conflict.

According to Bishop T.D. Jakes of The Porter’s house, “we got to do something to sustain our relationships. We are losing our ability to survive conflict in our homes.” This is what is causing a lot of marriage breakdowns today. I couldn’t agree with him more. Relationships will have ups and downs and our ability to recognize and resolve conflict is what will determine whether our marriages will thrive or barely survive.

Our capacity to resolve conflicts maturely and negotiate solutions as we consider other people’s perspectives shows how emotionally mature we are. The emotionally mature people are aware of their needs, their expectations, their opinions and prejudices and their emotions and this helps them then manage well their emotions and thus resolve conflict effectively.

IN-LAWS OR OUT-LAWS

In the movie “NOT EASILY BROKEN” one of the major causes of David and Clarice’s marriage is Clarice’s mum who comes to stay with the couple after Clarice breaks her leg in a car accident. Clarice with the instigation of her mum actually ends up throwing David out of their matrimonial home.

Many marriages like David and Clarice’s today are being destroyed by interference from the overly nosy in-laws who want to have a say on where we live, what we do, how many children we have, their names and so forth. In fact results from a recent poll on some of the causes of marital break-up in Kenya placed interference by overly nosy in-laws as having overtaken infidelity as the leading cause of broken marriages in Kenya. As portrayed in popular Television series “Mother-in-law”, how many Mothers-in-law have destroyed their son’s or daughter’s marriages as they try to run them by remote control if not from your own house as is the case of David and Clarice in the movie.

From our own experience working with married couples, many married men in particular don’t actually leave their Father and more importantly their Mother before cleaving to their wife. Leaving doesn’t mean just physically leaving (there are quite a number of men who get married straight from their mother’s houses though), but emotionally and psychologically leaving. The two cannot be one as long as one is still holding on to Mama. Two is company and three is definitely a crowd especially in marriage.

For our marriages to last, we must have clear cut boundaries drawn and agree how much we involve our families of origin in our marriages. Husband and Wife must recognize that it is now their turn to build their own family, their parents turn came and went. Parents can only provide advice when sought for but ultimately, your wife or husband carries the veto power. Mama must thus lose all her voting privileges in your marriage.  

THIS WEEK WE ARE HAVING OUR ANNUAL MARRIED COUPLES VALENTINE DINNER & DANCE COME SPICE UP YOUR MARRIAGE AS YOU JOIN US TOGETHER WITH OTHER COUPLES IN CELEBRATING LOVE. CALL 0729-237766 FOR MORE DETAILS.

SOCIAL EROSION

According to author Daniel Goleman, although the rate per year of divorces has more or less leveled off, the risk of divorce is on a perilous climb. This means that the odds that a given newly married couple will have their marriage eventually end in divorce is high. 

The shift gets clearer in comparing divorce rates for couples wed in a given year. For American marriages that began in 1890, about 10 percent ended in divorce. For those who wed in 1920, the rate was about 18 percent; for couples married in 1950, 30 percent. Couples that were newlywed in 1970 had fifty-fifty chance of splitting up or staying together. And for married couples starting out in 1990, the likelihood that the marriage would end in divorce was projected to be close to a staggering 67 per cent. If the estimate holds, just three in ten of recent newlyweds can count on staying married to their new partner.

Although these stats are from America I won’t be surprised that the situation here in Kenya isn’t any different. The number one reason for this alarming rate is the steady erosion of social pressures.  The stigma surrounding divorce is no longer there even in the Church. It has become something acceptable especially with the influence of the media. Things that were once considered anathema have become acceptable to us. Someone once said that the things we allow we eventually accept.

What do you think we should do to reverse this trend? Your comments are highly welcome. Together we can come up with the solutions to this problem.

Coming soon-;

Couples Valentine Dinner

When? Friday the 14th of February

Where? IBS-Biblica Caledonia

How much? Kshs. 3,500/= only per couple

 

WHAT IS BREAKING DOWN OUR MARRIAGES?

Happy new year to you all. It's been a while since we posted something on our blog but here we are once again. One of our resolutions this year is to continue faithfully writing and encouraging all of you who read and follow our blog faithfully.

Someone once asked me why so many marriages are falling apart nowadays. Whenever I attend a wedding or have the privilege of solemnizing like I used to do, I keep wondering will this one survive the test of time. Will they remain together until death does them part?

One of the best movies I watched during the holiday season was the movie “NOT EASILY BROKEN”. It starts with a beautiful wedding which is later on in the verge of being broken but the husband and wife eventually come to their ‘senses’ and the marriage survives. The marriage bond should not be easily broken as the name of the movie suggests. 

But unfortunately, many marriages today are easily broken by the flimsiest of all reasons. They tell me “we no longer feel for each other”, or “we had irreconcilable differences”, or one partner is not just willing to give the relationship another chance.

In  the coming blogs I will be exposing what I believe to be some of the reasons for marriage breakdown in our society today and what I believe are the solutions to these problems.

UPCOMING EVENTS 

1. COUPLE'S VALENTINE DINNER & DANCE FRIDAY FEBRUARY 14 th DETAILS COMING SOON.

2. SoMa- School of Marriage begins also in February

3. GAME CHANGER - A MEN OF PURPOSE PROGRAM ONLY FOR MEN BEGINS THIS THURSDAY JANUARY 16th AT LUTHERAN PLAZA AT 6PM. Kshs. 15,000/= INVESTMENT FOR TEN LIFE CHANGING SESSIONS THAT WILL TRANSFORM OUR MEN TO TRANSFORM OUR SOCIETY. CALL ME ON 0733-554493 TO REGISTER. LADIES THIS IS THE BEST GIFT YOU CAN GIVE YOUR MAN, OR YOUR BROTHER, OR YOUR FIANCE.

DON’T ADD FUEL TO THE FIRE

We often wish we would be in agreement over everything and wouldn’t need to fight. We want a stress free relationship and yes to live happily ever after. But that’s far from the reality. As they say, if wishes were true, beggars would ride. Why is it so difficult to have a conflict free relationship?

We avoid conflict like plague. Of course nobody wants conflict in their relationship. But if you have been married for a while, you must have come to the realization that conflict is inevitable in marriage. In fact I tell many couples who are courting that if they have never disagreed  in their relationship, then they most probably are just pretending and aren’t ready for marriage. For in marriage, where two different and distinct people live together, there is bound to be conflict.

Conflict in and of itself isn’t bad. What is bad is how we handle conflict. The problem in many marriages today is that they do not know how to resolve conflict. We either sweep things under the carpet wishing them away only for them to resurface later in a bigger way, or we confront them head on and allow our emotions to have the better of us. And then after we have exploded, we are left feeling bad and regretting the damage we have caused.  Conflict if not handled well can destroy a marriage.

How then can husband and wife handle conflict in such a way that it enhances rather than destroys their relationship? We all are different and have different needs. When these needs go unmet or are violated, we react. And when we react, our partner attacks our reaction and this sets up a vicious cycle that causes the conflict to escalate. We put on the accelerator instead of the breaks when we attack each other’s reactions.

To put on the breaks, we need to first stop and ask ourselves why it is that our partner is reacting the way they are. Trying to understand where they are coming from instead of attacking where they are is thus important. You must also ask yourself why you are reacting the way you do. Which need of yours is not being met or is being violated?

CLOSING THE GAP-COUPLES RETREAT

Heard of "Rumble in the Jungle"? Well this August 2nd and 3rd will be having "Romance in the Wilderness" as we take couples out to the Olooloitikish Resort in Kitengela for the 'CLOSING THE GAP - COUPLES RETREAT'.

This will be a wonderful time of reconnection and rediscovery as we learn together how we can coach our marriage relationships. We will learn how to bridge and close those gaps in our relationships so that we can have a fulfilling relationship.

There will be lots of prizes to be won, games to be played and lessons to be learned as we come away to this exquisite resort 3kms from Kitengela Town.

Charges are Kshs.10,000/= per couple. Payments can be made via mpesa line 0729-237766. Call Grace on the same number for more details.

See you there!