A LOOK IS MORE THAN A THOUSAND WORDS

The other day I was having a conversation with my wife as I was trying to catch up with my mail on my laptop. At some point my wife went quite as I was engrossed in my toy oblivious of her having gone quite on me. When I suddenly kicked back to the conversation I noticed from the look on Gracie’s face that she wasn’t amused with me at all. As much as I tried to reassure her that I was actually listening to her, she wasn’t as convinced.

They say a look as worth a thousand words. Eye contact plays a big role in effective communication. You see, your eyes according to author and clinical psychiatrist Dr. Ross Campbell are the visible evidence of the connection between you. They link you together in a moment of shared understanding, the precious communication we all crave. He goes on to state that we even see that God designed the child’s eye to make contact with her mother during-breast feeding. As she feeds physically with her mouth, she feeds emotionally with her eyes.

Remember those days when you were dating and you could spend all that time looking into each other’s eyes, eyes filled with the “look of love”, you didn’t have to say much. Those eyes said it all. This is why it is important as you communicate to maintain eye contact thus listen with not just your ears but your eyes as well. 

THE COST OF NOT LISTENING TO HER

As we celebrate Easter this weekend, I'm reminded of one of the greatest statements made during the trial of our Lord Jesus. As Pilate was sitting on the judgement seat, his wife sent this message: "Leave that innocent man alone, because I had a terrible dream about him last night." But Pilate ignored the warning.

Women they say have a sixth sense, and when it comes to making certain major decisions in our lives as men, we need to listen to their advice. We need to consult often as it were with the other 'Principle' in the domestic government. How many pains and sorrows would have been avoided if only we gave heed to our wife's gut feelings.

You know, we men are mostly 'thinkers' than 'feelers', and our wife's are generally the opposite. That's why God made Eve for Adam in case you didn't know. And so if we tap into their potential, we will be able to combine facts and gut feelings to make intelligent decisions for our lives and those of our children. Remember, two is better than one, and that is why the two must become one.

Grace and I want to wish you all a happy Easter and remind you that our School of Marriage (SoMa) which was to start yesterday, the 27th of March, will now start on the 10th of April. There is still some space available so please register now. For registration, call 0729-237766.

Also coming up in the month of April is our new product, "Boresha Ndoa" - a Marriage coaching approach that will greatly change your marriage. Call us on the above no. for more information.

BE A PEACE MAKER NOT A PEACE KEEPER

We have just come out of a fierce election battle which has left our Nation greatly divided. In 2007/2008, people took to the streets to vent their angers and disappointments in what came to be known as PEV or Post election violence. And because of that, this year there was an overdrive in preaching peace before during and after the elections.

So when the results were announced, the winners celebrated while the losers were disappointed.Nobody took to the streets this time, thank God, and we thought all was well. In deed we kept peace but from the many hate speeches going on in social medias, it is apparent that while external peace was maintained, internal peace is disturbed. We have only suppressed our emotions and are pretending all is well on the outside while seething on the inside.

This is similar to what happens in many marriages. We haven't come across a marriage that doesn't experience strong emotions around certain topics like parenting, sex, extended family and so on. Some couples in the name of keeping peace, habitually avoid these topics and withhold their honest thoughts, feelings and desires. Like Kenyans, we do everything possible "to keep the peace" bottling up all our anger and resentment instead of letting it out in a honorable and respectful way. It is by facing the issues and dealing with them conclusively that we make peace first with our-self then with our spouse.

According to Marriage Coaches, Jeff and Jill Williams, suppression of one's honest thoughts, feelings and desires comes at the price of authentic intimacy, shared understanding and respect for each other's perspective, emotions and desires.It is only through skillful and loving exploration of these issues as we respect each others perspective, emotions and desires, that real and lasting peace is attained.

REMEMBER TO SIGN UP FOR OUR UPCOMING SoMa - School of Marriage that begins next week Wednesday the 27th of March. For more details call Grace on 0729-237766

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER

Anger per se is not bad, how we handle it is what makes it either constructive or destructive. Unfortunately many of us have not learned how to handle this emotion and thus the mess we find ourselves and our relations in. Another wrong perception that we have of anger is that our anger is someone else’s fault, especially that of our spouse. We want to blame them for the way we feel and react.

 I’m reminded of The Incredible Hulk who would always make this statement before turning into that huge green monster, “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like to see me when I’m angry.” The lie is that nobody can make you angry, but the truth is that you allow yourself to be angry. So take control of your anger before it takes control of you and you might as well save your marriage.

How do you take control of your anger-;

1.  Start by keeping an anger journal or diary recording every episode of anger each day. 
2.  Identify what provokes you to anger. What are the triggers? When are you most susceptible to get angry? Is it when you are tired, hungry, stressed, or any other situation? 
3.  When you are provoked, what goes on in your mind? What do you tell yourself in those moments? For example, “He didn’t go out with me because I am not beautiful”. That can only be true if that is what you think of yourself. Which is really as much your problem not theirs and so you need to deal with that belief. Our belief system greatly affects how we feel about ourselves and to an extent how we behave. Change your belief system and you will change how you feel about yourself and it will not matter what anybody else thinks about you. 
4.   Change your self-instruction. Did you know that we frequently give ourselves instructions? We can learn to stop giving ourselves the internal okay to become angry by giving ourselves different instructions.

SPICING UP YOUR MARRIAGE

February, which is popularly known as the love month is over. But that does not mean that we stop loving one another. In fact we should pick up some of the wonderful things we did over Valentine and continue doing them so that we can spice up our relationships.

One of the things we have determined to do is to enjoy our relationship no matter what. We want to have fun with each other. This past Valentine, we were invited to speak to a group of couples who have been together for the last ten years. They had organized for a wonderful dinner coupled with a night out. We spoke to them on what love is and ended up with a dance.

The Dance did the magic, most of the couples confessed that they had not danced with each other since their wedding day. It was fun to see these couples, some who are now grandparents, holding each other tightly as they blued into the night. Another thing that these couples did that really touched us, was the exchanging of gifts. Each man had bought a gift for his bride and each lady had also bought a gift for her man. They surprised each other on that night and that just capped the night.

A lot of spice was added to those marriages that night. May we continue spicing up our marriages this year.