BE A PEACE MAKER NOT A PEACE KEEPER

We have just come out of a fierce election battle which has left our Nation greatly divided. In 2007/2008, people took to the streets to vent their angers and disappointments in what came to be known as PEV or Post election violence. And because of that, this year there was an overdrive in preaching peace before during and after the elections.

So when the results were announced, the winners celebrated while the losers were disappointed.Nobody took to the streets this time, thank God, and we thought all was well. In deed we kept peace but from the many hate speeches going on in social medias, it is apparent that while external peace was maintained, internal peace is disturbed. We have only suppressed our emotions and are pretending all is well on the outside while seething on the inside.

This is similar to what happens in many marriages. We haven't come across a marriage that doesn't experience strong emotions around certain topics like parenting, sex, extended family and so on. Some couples in the name of keeping peace, habitually avoid these topics and withhold their honest thoughts, feelings and desires. Like Kenyans, we do everything possible "to keep the peace" bottling up all our anger and resentment instead of letting it out in a honorable and respectful way. It is by facing the issues and dealing with them conclusively that we make peace first with our-self then with our spouse.

According to Marriage Coaches, Jeff and Jill Williams, suppression of one's honest thoughts, feelings and desires comes at the price of authentic intimacy, shared understanding and respect for each other's perspective, emotions and desires.It is only through skillful and loving exploration of these issues as we respect each others perspective, emotions and desires, that real and lasting peace is attained.

REMEMBER TO SIGN UP FOR OUR UPCOMING SoMa - School of Marriage that begins next week Wednesday the 27th of March. For more details call Grace on 0729-237766

HOW TO DEAL WITH YOUR ANGER

Anger per se is not bad, how we handle it is what makes it either constructive or destructive. Unfortunately many of us have not learned how to handle this emotion and thus the mess we find ourselves and our relations in. Another wrong perception that we have of anger is that our anger is someone else’s fault, especially that of our spouse. We want to blame them for the way we feel and react.

 I’m reminded of The Incredible Hulk who would always make this statement before turning into that huge green monster, “Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like to see me when I’m angry.” The lie is that nobody can make you angry, but the truth is that you allow yourself to be angry. So take control of your anger before it takes control of you and you might as well save your marriage.

How do you take control of your anger-;

1.  Start by keeping an anger journal or diary recording every episode of anger each day. 
2.  Identify what provokes you to anger. What are the triggers? When are you most susceptible to get angry? Is it when you are tired, hungry, stressed, or any other situation? 
3.  When you are provoked, what goes on in your mind? What do you tell yourself in those moments? For example, “He didn’t go out with me because I am not beautiful”. That can only be true if that is what you think of yourself. Which is really as much your problem not theirs and so you need to deal with that belief. Our belief system greatly affects how we feel about ourselves and to an extent how we behave. Change your belief system and you will change how you feel about yourself and it will not matter what anybody else thinks about you. 
4.   Change your self-instruction. Did you know that we frequently give ourselves instructions? We can learn to stop giving ourselves the internal okay to become angry by giving ourselves different instructions.

SPICING UP YOUR MARRIAGE

February, which is popularly known as the love month is over. But that does not mean that we stop loving one another. In fact we should pick up some of the wonderful things we did over Valentine and continue doing them so that we can spice up our relationships.

One of the things we have determined to do is to enjoy our relationship no matter what. We want to have fun with each other. This past Valentine, we were invited to speak to a group of couples who have been together for the last ten years. They had organized for a wonderful dinner coupled with a night out. We spoke to them on what love is and ended up with a dance.

The Dance did the magic, most of the couples confessed that they had not danced with each other since their wedding day. It was fun to see these couples, some who are now grandparents, holding each other tightly as they blued into the night. Another thing that these couples did that really touched us, was the exchanging of gifts. Each man had bought a gift for his bride and each lady had also bought a gift for her man. They surprised each other on that night and that just capped the night.

A lot of spice was added to those marriages that night. May we continue spicing up our marriages this year.

SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND

One of our greatest achievements last year was our first class of SoMa (School of Marriage). We had  eight great sessions with the couples involved and by the end of it all we were surprised at how open and interactive the sessions ended up being. Not that we had not anticipated an open and interactive class, but the level at which this was achieved blew us out of the waters.

Our focus for that class was understanding. What is wrecking many marriages and relationships for that matter, is a lack of understanding or a misunderstanding. We all want to be understood but rarely do we seek to understand our spouse. How often do we judge others before hearing their plea? Most of us do not listen with the intent to understand: we listen with the intent to reply. We are either speaking or preparing to speak. This year seek first to understand before you demand to be understood.

We leave you with these words from Steve Covey in his book, Seven Habits of highly effective people, seeking first to understand, or diagnosing before you prescribe, is a correct principle manifest in many areas of life. A wise doctor will diagnose before writing a prescription. A good engineer will understand the forces, the stresses at work, before designing the bridge. An effective salesperson first seeks to understand the needs of the customer before offering a product. Similarly, an effective communicator will first seek to understand anothers' view before seeking to be understood. Until people feel properly diagnosed they will not be open to prescriptions.

COMING UP-;
1. SoMa - Our School of Marriage that runs for eight weeks from January 30th. The class is every Wednesdays from 6 to 8pm.
2. Couple Valentine Dinner - Friday February 15th
3. Singles Valentine Dinner - Friday February 15th
4. 5 As of Parenting Seminar - March 17th

For more information call 0729-237766

He's Conference

This past Friday we were privileged to speak on relationships at one of the workshops at the Citam's He's conference. We had over two thousand men present over there, young and old, married and single. I, Gracie, was the only lady in the room and I must confess I felt overwhelmed. They kept referring to me as "Daniel in the den of Lions".

As Daniel in the Lion's den, I was able to share with this men why we as women want to share with them heart to heart. Why it is important that they launch into the deep with us as that is where we connect with them. Intimacy is not just about sex. We are not interested in shallow and superficial relationships. We shared with them about the CSI of relationships and the importance of them willing to risk and come over with us into the deep waters of meaningful relationship. Deep calls for deep and that is what intimacy is all about.

Then, I, Barnie, identifying with my fellow male species (whose mouths at this time were shut),  helped them realize what blessings we often miss because of our fears. Because of the fear of rejection, fear of failure, or fear of losing control, fear of the unknown, we remain stuck in the shallow waters of relationships. We fear to be vulnerable, to open up ourselves and allow our partners to come into us and see what's in there. That is what intimacy is all about.

Caring enough to share our deepest fears and needs, and sharing openly in a safe environment in order to become intimate is what we referred to us the CSI of relationships. For us to enjoy this depth of relationship in marriage, we as wives must provide a safe environment for our men to open up and be themselves. That safety is the enabling environment for that kind of relationship.

WHAT IT TAKES FOR A DEEP RELATIONSHIP.

 

A lot of people are afraid of deep relationships because of the fear of the unknown.  When I trust you with the knowledge about who I am and what I am, I am risking myself to you. I want to trust you to accept me and anything I share with you. You could reject me, or make fun of me, or be confused about me. It will be risky, but it will be the only way to develop a deep relationship between us.

We fear to be hurt again. When you risk yourself to others, you become vulnerable. The Latin root of “vulnerable,” means “to wound.” To become vulnerable means to be susceptible to injury, to be exposed to criticism; and this can hurt. In fact many of us have been hurt in the past when we became vulnerable and without knowing, vowed to ourselves that we would never trust again.  But it’s a risk worth taking. “Jump in”, you will never overcome the fear of closeness until you take your “leap into the dark” so to speak.

Protecting our hearts from hurt, by locking them “safely in the coffin of selfishness” will keep them from being broken, but it will also change them. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable. The problem is that we too often make choice to be vulnerable or not by considering the negative consequences that might result from being vulnerable rather than thinking about the positive implications it has to our psychological well-being. That’s the risk we take.

Join my wife and I as we speak during the Citam's He's ministry this Friday between 2:15 and 5:00pm. All you men are invited. Will be talking on Relationships.