BEHAVE YOURSELF INTO A BETTER MARRIAGE

A story is told by Pastor George Crane about a woman who came to see him in his office one day so angry at her husband that she wanted not only to divorce him, but cause him pain as well. Dr. Crane said to her, “Go home and act as if you really loved your husband. Tell him how much he means to you. Praise him for every decent trait. Go out of your way to as kind, considerate, and generous as possible. Spare no efforts to please him, to enjoy him. Make him believe you love him (talk of faking it till you make it). After you have convinced him of your undying love and that you cannot live without him, then drop the bombshell. Tell him that you are getting a divorce. That will really hurt him.”

The woman thought that was a brilliant idea, so she set out to totally convince her husband that she deeply, sincerely, completely loved him. Every day, she did everything she could think of to make him believe it. But by the time several months had passed, she was astonished to suddenly realize that she really did love him. She had actually behaved her way back into loving him.

The lesson from the story is this: If you are not a caring person now – but you desire to be a caring person – then go out and behave in caring ways. If you are not a …loving wife – but desire to be one – then go out and behave in a loving way. You see, a shift in doing, a behavior shift, will actually change the way you see and think and this change in perspective will improve your relationship with your husband. You will be amazed at how a change in your behavior might bring about that change in your husband’s behavior that you have always wanted.

WHY MEN ALSO NEED "CHAMAS"

WHY MEN ALSO NEED "CHAMAS"

Last night I had an awesome time with a group of men that I meet with every week. They are my “four crazy” friends, men who I know can stand with me and support me. Men I can share anything with, be it my financial struggles, struggles in my relationship with my wife and children, work related problems or even my sexual problems. These are men with whom I feel safe to bare myself with.

You see most of us men walk around in masks, trying to pretend that we are tough, we are macho men with our six pack. But deep inside, we are scared boys, like Adam hiding behind fig leaves because we are ashamed. We try to cover up for our shortcomings by our performance, appearance or status. But deep inside we are crying for someone to help us. Unfortunately our wives can't, because we are trying to hide ourselves even from them. In fact its because of this hiding that we have closed ourselves to them and they are bearing the brunt of our issues.

It is only as we bare ourselves to fellow men that we can truly find ourselves.  Men with whom we can become naked and yet not be ashamed. As John Eldredge, author of the book wild at heart,  recounts, so much healing took place in my life through my friendship with Brent. We spent a lot of time together. Just spending time with a man I truly respected, a real man who loved and respected me – nothing heals quite like that. At first I feared that I was fooling him, that he’d see through it any day and drop me. But he didn’t, and what happened instead was validation. My heart knew that if a man I know is a man thinks I’m one, too, well then; maybe I am one after all.

Remember--- masculinity is bestowed by masculinity.

"I HAVE NO MAN" - Part 2

“For years, I was a driven man. I demanded a lot of myself and of those who worked for me. My wife didn’t like to call me at work, for as she said, “You have your work voice on”. In other words your fig leaf is showing.  All that swaggering and supposed confidence and hard charging came out of fear – the fear that if I didn’t, I would be revealed to be less than a man. Never let down, never drop your guard, give 150 percent,” says John Elderedge in his book wild at heart.

According to him, achievers are a socially acceptable form of violent men, overdoing it in one way or another. Their casualties tend to be their marriages, their families, and their health or even spiritual life. These are things that have paralyzed and destroyed many men through the centuries. They are hiding behind their masks for fear of being known for who they really are.

Outwardly like John, they seem to be doing well. But deep inside, they are struggling. They are afraid, they don't know who to talk to. Let me ask you man, who do you talk to when you are struggling with sexual temptation. Whom do you go to when the money you invested has been washed down the drain, or when you get the news that you are one of those who are going to be laid off from your place of work? Who do you go to young man when you are struggling with masturbation?

We as men need each other now more than ever before. We need to keep the company of men who can hold us accountable in all areas of our lives, men we can confide in, men we can share our fears and struggles with. People we feel safe with to remove our masks and allow into our lives to see us as we really are.Do you have that kind of men or man?

SoMa

It is finally here, the long awaited School of marriage (SoMa) begins next week, October 17th at 6pm. The program will be running for the next eight weeks with classes every Wednesdays from 6-8pm. If you want to be a part of this class please get in touch with us by Monday October 15th. 

Call Grace on 0729-237766 for more information.

"I HAVE NO MAN" - Part 1

There are two men in the Bible that were both in  desperate situations and needed help. One in the book of Mark 2: 1-5; and the other in John 5. One was a paralytic, had four friends who against all odds to bring him to Jesus, and the other was invalid for thirty-eight years had no man to help him into the pool when the waters were stirred.

Many men are like the latter man, struggling with many issues in their lives and yet have no man they can talk to. They are struggling alone and are almost giving in to their struggles.  Just the other day one young man sought me out and when we eventually got together I could see he was struggling to share with me his struggles. He had tried other men, a close relative, a colleague, and even his Pastor, but he didn’t feel safe enough to share with them his struggles. I quickly ‘disarmed’ him from his fears by making him feel safe and then and only then was he able to share with me what he was going through.

According to David C. Bentall in his book "The company you keep"; "When prioritizing work time, most men tend to regulate friendship to the bottom of the list. They have an established “network” of business contacts and if we want to do lunch with someone, we usually have a reason or an agenda.  We look at these contacts to help us directly or to introduce us to other people. This utilitarian approach to friendships among men is a barrier to developing meaningful relationships with other men." 

 

For the past two weeks we have been talking on Hope FM on men and their struggles and the thing that has come up time and again is the need for male friendship.We may have many acquaintances as men, but very few if any true friends, and this is the crisis that we men find ourselves in. 

Join us this Saturday September 29th from 2-5pm at NPC Valley Road for an open forum dubbed "The Marriage Crisis - Those in want out - Those out want in"

This event is open to both married couples and Singles and is absolutely free.

"I HAVE NO MAN"

There are two men in the Bible that had both desperate situations and needed help. One in the book of Mark 2: 1-5; One was a paralytic, had four friends, other men who went to a great length to see him helped. They against all odds brought him to Jesus. Since they could not get to Jesus because of the crowd, they ripped open the roof and lowered him to where Jesus was. The other man in John 5 was invalid for thirty-eight years had no man to help him into the pool when the waters were stirred.

Many men are like the invalid man in John 5, struggling with many issues in their lives and yet have no man they can talk to. They are struggling alone and are almost giving in to their struggles.  Just the other day one young man sought me out and when we eventually got together I could see he was struggling to share with me his struggles. He had tried other men, a close relative, a colleague, and even his Pastor, but he didn’t feel safe enough to share with them his struggles. I quickly ‘disarmed’ him from his fears by making him feel safe and then and only then was he able to share with me what he was going through.

I have been talking on Hope FM on men and their struggles and the thing that has come up time and again is the need for friendship among men.According to David C. Bentall in his book "The company you keep"; "When prioritizing work time, most men tend to regulate friendship to the bottom of the list. They have an established “network” of business contacts and if we want to do lunch with someone, we usually have a reason or an agenda.  We look at these contacts to help us directly or to introduce us to other people. This utilitarian approach to friendships among men is a barrier to developing meaningful relationships with other men." We may have many acquaintances as men, but very few if any true friends, and this is the crisis that we men find ourselves in. 

Join us this Saturday September 29th from 2-5pm at NPC Valley Road for an open forum dubbed "The Marriage Crisis - Those in want out - Those out want in"

This event is open to both married couples and Singles and is absolutely free.

Connecting at her level

Men and women communicate for different reasons. Most stereotypes are incomplete pictures of reality, but many are rooted in some measure of truth. Often, men communicate to solve a problem. Women communicate to share.  Men generally know how to state the facts as they see them, but women know how to share their feelings. So the next time your wife shares a difficult issue with you, she may not necessarily want you to fix it for her. She may just want you to listen and try and understand and empathize.

This past Sunday night I did exactly that. I let my wife share with me some difficult things she was going through. I listened to her without trying to fix her problem. To help keep the flow of communication open and positive, I asked her to clarify what she meant. I summarized and paraphrased what I thought she meant and asked if my interpretation was correct.

 I did affirm her and validated her feelings even though I didn’t quite understand why she felt the way she did. I resisted the temptation of jumping into the first available pause for breath, but waited patiently for her to finish saying what she was saying. In short, I talked with her and not just to her.

FOUR TYPES OF MEN A SINGLE LADY SHOULD AVOID

 One of the most common causes of discouragement I have heard from many Single Ladies comes from being stuck in a one-way or dead-end relationship.  This is a relationship that is going nowhere or is driven by one party. A surprising number of attractive, talented, and lovable women have locked themselves with men who are not willing to commit.

According to Valerie Clayton, author of the book “Victory in Singleness”, when a man is unwilling to commit, a woman is stuck. She is emotionally depositing her love, energy, and time into someone who is ultimately not a good investment. There are four general types of men that single women need to avoid if they are interested in not misplacing their affection. 

1.   Mr. Procrastination –This man puts off making a serious relational commitment to the woman who loves him until a “more opportunate” time comes along. There is always something that will keep him from committing today. He is either recovering from a previous relationship, or finishing up his MBA, or waiting to make more money, or he has something going on with his parents, or is waiting to buy his first car, house or ‘kaplot’. He just can’t commit to you today

2.       Mr. Confucius – This man is on emotional overload. There is so much going on in his life that he barely exists- much less being marriage material for someone. Generally, he is just getting over an emotional catastrophe, making a life change, trying to “find himself” or he is still taking care of his siblings or a sick Parent.  Whatever it is, the bottom line is that he is trying to get his head on straight.” He forgets to call; frequently when you get together it is at your suggestion.

3.       Mr. Passive – Are you discouraged because your man is “just along for the ride”? He is not leading, but he is not exactly following either. He is just there, yes passively there. You may desire a committed dating relationship with him, but he hasn’t made any “moves”. You are discouraged because you would like your “friendship” to move forward, but the reality is that you are stuck.

4.       Mr. Fantasy – This man is an illusion. He doesn’t really exist except in the figment of your imagination. This is your ideal man, your ultimate dream man. Unfortunately this man does not exist and the sooner you wake up and smell the coffee, the better it will be for you.