Don't be a Kangaroo; be a student of your Mate

This past Sunday, I (Barnie) read a very interesting article of how the name 'Kangaroo' came to be. When European explorers first saw these strange hopping animals with unusual shape of legs and bulky tail, they asked a native Australian (aborigine), what they were called. He replied 'Kangaroo', meaning, "I don't understand your question". The explorers thought this was the animals name and that's how the kangaroos got their name.

Most of the conflicts we have in marriage are as a result of misunderstandings which arise because of the differences in the language men and women speak. Like the European explorers with the Australian native, we don't seem to understand each other’s language and thus end up relying on translation to decipher the message our partner is sending to us.

Unfortunately, a lot of information is missed and we end up calling it 'Kangaroo', interpreting it in our own language. What is however important is for us to learn our spouse's language in order for us to be able to speak their language and thus understand them.

Because a man's greatest need is the need to be respected, men speak the language of respect. Women on the other hand, as my wife shared last week, have a great need for love. So they speak the language of love. That's why the Bible exhorts husbands to love their wives and for wives to respect their hubbies (Ephesians 5:33). When we do this we will be speaking each other’s language and thus will end up understanding one another.

That's obvious, right? Wrong. The problem with us is that we often want the other person to understand our language without us trying to learn their language. As the Musician sang, "You need to love me the way I need to be loved. Come over here and love me from my side. I will be your student of love and you got to be mine too. We have different needs so understanding is a ministry".

And that is what marriage is all about, the ministry of understanding. So don't be a kangaroo, seek to learn, to understand, to love your mate from his or her side and you will see what difference that will make in your relationship.

TOP FIVE NEEDS OF A WOMAN

Last week I Gracie had the opportunity of sharing in our latest show "The Closet" (you  better not miss it every Fridays from 11pm to 1.00am), on the top five needs of a woman.

Whereas it is impossible for your spouse to meet ALL your needs, only God can do that as Jesus said in John 6:35; “I Am the bread of life, he who comes to me will never go hungry and he who believes in me will never die.”, he or she is God's agent, God's minister to meet your deepest needs. 

We cannot on ourselves provide for our needs completely. If we could, we would not need to get married. But our spouses can provide for many of the needs we cannot meet ourselves. When our spouses fulfill their biblical roles according to Ephesians 5:22-33, our needs will be met.

Women have a deep need to be loved, to feel secure in their relationship with their husband .Deep needs are like an inbuilt appetite and no matter what one does until that appetite is satisfied the need will always be there. These needs are not wants, neither are they sinful or bad. It is God in His own wisdom put them there in order for the man in her life to fulfill them.

As a husband, man, you are God’s agent to meet the need to be loved that is there in your wife and that is why God commanded “Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the Church”. In order for you to love your wife until she feels loved you need to understand the following things about her needs-;
1.       She needs to be cherished. Without meaning to, a husband can completely miss one of his wife’s most important needs: to be cherished. She needs to know that she is number one in your life. If it came down to an evening with your buddies, your family, watching your Man “U”, or a night with her, she needs to know you would chose her – not because you have to, but because you want to.
2.      She needs to be understood. . 1Pet 3:7 exhorts us husbands to “Live with your wives in an understanding way.”  Understand that she is not a man but a woman, that she is the weaker vessel so be sensitive to her feelings.  She needs to be heard, listened to, especially listening to her emotions. She feels understood when you listen and repeat back to her what she has just said.
3.       She needs loyalty. She needs to know that her husband is faithful and will not have other women in his life before, besides or even behind them. She needs to know that her man can be trusted.
4.       She needs open and honest communication. Women crave for meaningful conversations. After all we are verbal just as men are visual. Many a woman in marriage longs for those deep and intimate conversations that helped create your love for each other. Women connect emotionally just as men connect physically, and one way of connecting emotionally is through open and honest communication. She wants to know about you and wants to tell you about herself.  She treasures the moments you spend together with her talking. She feels you are open when you say let’s talk, you pray with her, you give full attention, you discuss financial concerns.
5.    She needs non-sexual affection and closeness.   Her husband can touch her, hold and hug her with no agenda. She needs TLC, tender loving care. That is how you as a husband nurtures her. You show affection also by your words, for your words men, evokes your wife's beauty. It releases her to her potential. Taking walks, playing together makes the woman feel close to her husband. 

“When I found the one I loved, I held on and would not let go.”  - Song of Sol. 3: 4

That’s what a woman needs in case you have been wondering,  She needs love.

LONELY BUT NOT ALONE

Over 5 years ago a lady I was counseling e-mailed to me and her husband a very interesting article which I came across the other day. Here is part of what it said, 

“I used to get annoyed when middle-aged men claimed their wives did not understand them. What a transparently false excuse for being dissatisfied with one’s wife! Men freely admit to being mystified about women, but men are easy to understand, and women, being more perspective, can read their partners like a book, right? Wrong!

The article goes on to say, “Then I started counseling women who had been married for 20 years or more (I haven’t gotten there yet). I was staggered to discover that although they loved their husbands and in one sense knew them thoroughly, there was indeed a real sense in which they didn’t understand their husbands". As a man how I have wished severally that "if only Grace would understand me". What many women don’t ‘gich’ is that that is many a man’s cry.

In a survey done, marrieds were asked to name their best friends. Women typically named another woman, whereas most men named their wives or confessed to their being no one in their entire world that they could call their best friend. This isolates how isolated men are, and how dependent they are on their wives for companionship. There simply seems to be something about male that causes this aloneness. Men can be with the crowds, the boys, but still be all alone.

This is a basic phenomenon that is even found in the animal kingdom. In a wide range of animal species, females generally group together with each other and with the young, whereas the mature males are loners, usually relating to their own species only to fight with other males or to mate with the females.

The typical husband’s reliance upon his wife for companionship and emotional support makes it a chilling experience when he finally concedes she feels incapable of understanding him. Can you imagine how devastating it is to feel there is no one on the planet who knows and understands you to the degree that you crave and deserve? 

The inability of most men to get close to each other usually leaves him feeling unable to turn to anyone for solace, unless it be another woman. He is pressured either to try that, or try to protect himself from further hurt and disappointment by withdrawing somewhat from his wife and hope he can bury his pain in his job or other activities. When this happens, wives start complaining; never dreaming of the role they have played in making their husband’s act in this way.

The failure of wives to understand their men causes me to wonder how many men understand themselves. Yes, they know what they feel, but do they know why they feel that way? It’s the why that brings real understanding. It opens the way for change and a deeper oneness in relationships.

LONELY BUT NOT ALONE

Over 5 years ago, a lady my wife and I were counseling e-mailed me and her husband a very interesting article which I came across the other day. Here is part of what it said, “I used to get annoyed when middle-aged men claimed their wives did not understand them. What a transparently false excuse for being dissatisfied with one’s wife! Men freely admit to being mystified about women, but men are easy to understand, and women, being more perspective, can read their partners like a book, right? Wrong!

The article goes on to say, “Then I started counseling women who had been married for 20 years or more (I haven’t gotten there yet). I was staggered to discover that although they loved their husbands and in one sense knew them thoroughly, there was indeed a real sense in which they didn’t understand their husbands. “As a man how I have wished severally that "if only Grace would understand me". What many women don’t ‘gich’ is that that is many a man’s cry.

In a survey done, marrieds were asked to name their best friends. Women typically named another woman, whereas most men named their wives or confessed to their being no one in their entire world that they could call their best friend. This isolates how isolated men are, and how dependent they are on their wives for companionship. There simply seems to be something about male that causes this aloneness. Men can be with the crowds, the boys, but still be all alone.

This is a basic phenomenon that is even found in the animal kingdom. In a wide range of animal species, females generally group together with each other and with the young, whereas the mature males are loners, usually relating to their own species only to fight with other males or to mate with the females.

The typical husband’s reliance upon his wife for companionship and emotional support makes it a chilling experience when he finally concedes she feels incapable of understanding him. Can you imagine how devastating it is to feel there is no one on the planet who knows and understands you to the degree that you crave and deserve? 

The inability of most men to get close to each other usually leaves him feeling unable to turn to anyone for solace, unless it be another woman. He is pressured either to try that, or try to protect himself from further hurt and disappointment by withdrawing somewhat from his wife and hope he can bury his pain in his job or other activities. When this happens, wives start complaining; never dreaming of the role they have played in making their husband’s act in this way.

The failure of wives to understand their men causes me to wonder how many men understand themselves. Yes, they know what they feel, but do they know why they feel that way? It’s the why that brings real understanding. It opens the way for change and a deeper oneness in relationships.

Nothing Wrong with Him, He only doesn't Think like you

 According to Mark Gungor, laughing yourself to a better marriage, the female brain has a lot of inter connectivity like electric wires running all around. That’s why if you didn’t know, women are good at multitasking. If you have watched with amazement how your wife or mom managed an onslaught of cranky kids, talked on the phone to a colleague, and let the cat out… all at the same time, it is because of this same reason.

Most men are very different. Many a times my wife has found me sitting by myself and asked me what I was thinking. When I answered “nothing”, she got irritated and would press me to please tell her what I was thinking. She didn’t understand that I really was thinking… nothing! My desktop was empty, a screen saver was up, and no one was home. You see we men even have a compartment for nothing, Mark Gungor calls it the “nothing box”.  Women can’t relate with this, as one woman put it: 

“There is never a time that there’s nothing going on in my head. If I answer ‘nothing’, it’s because I’m mad at him!”

Have you ever wondered -;

·        Why women jump topics in the middle of conversations. In case you found yourself as a woman being accused of going off the tangent, being muddled, not paying attention, not being respectful or all of the above, it’s because of how your brain is wired. Sometimes in my conversations with my wife, some things come up which to me are ‘unrelated’ to the topic of discussion and so I go “now where did that come from” to the chagrin of my wife. What I have failed to understand is that because I have only one window opened at a time, we are only having one conversation while my wife it turns out is deep into, oh, five or six windows at the same time I just didn’t know it.

·         Why your wife by comparison, has so much more than you to talk about at the end of the day. Now you know – even at the end of a very busy day, you as a man have been busy running down one track, but not her.

This helps explain some perplexing things that often times gets us fighting as husbands and wives or maybe have been making you wonder what’s wrong with your man. This will greatly help you understand yourself as a woman and how you are wired differently from your man.

More on this please read this Saturday's People Newspaper on the weekend magazine, "Woman essence" sub title "Ties That Bind".

REAL STUFF REAL PEOPLE

Gracie and I have been privilaged to be guests in the latest radio talk show in town, "The Closet" with Pastor James Okumu every Friday Night from 11pm to 1 am in hope fm. Yes in hope fm where you listen and live, we are discussing things that hitherto have been anathema to talk about in Church leave alone as Christians. But these are real issues that men and women deal with, yes even those who are in the Church, those who are saved.

We have had three shows so far and the response has been overwhelming to say the least. I must thank Jamo and his bosses at hope fm for taking this bold step to address these issues from a Christian perspective unlike the other fm stations that make fun of such pertinent issues in our lives. Gracie and I have come to learn alot in researching for this program and also from the questions asked and feedbacks that we have been getting.

We have been talking about sexual fantasies and my goodness, there are some things that really need to be addressed. There are many men out there struggling with pornography and masturbation. These are born-again Christians who some have prayed and fasted over these issues but to their frustration nothing has changed. They are ashamed of this and have not shared their struggles with anybody as they fear being ridiculed and exposed.

We have come to learn how so protective we are of our images as Christians that even when we have struggles in these areas we don't want to come forward and ask for help. This is compounded on the other side by a judgemental attitude that many in the Church have had towards such victims that they don't find it safe to share their problem and get help. This has stirred our hearts afresh to seek to provide a safe environment where people would come and openly share with us these issues without the fear of rejection.

What we don't realize is that this rejection is what will push many of these dear ones deeper into their quagmires thus making things go from bad to worse and from worse to worst in their lives. So, hey you all that are struggling with these things out there, don't die alone, cry or shout for help and we will be more than willing to help and to walk you through this process to gain your freedom and deliverance. It is possible to be free, to live a pure life once again by the power of the Holy Spirit.

 And you know what, contrary to what we think that this is a singles problem, after all the Bible says if you burn, you better get married, this is very much a marriage problem. If you don't deal with some of these things in your singleness, don't think that marriage will cure your problem. No, it may only aggrevate it. There are many men who are not able to perform in bed because of these hang ups and it has become a concern for their wives. Will be talking about some of these issues in our upcoming blogs.

Monday Morning Blues

On Monday morning my wife received a call from one of her nieces informing her that her mother, who is my wife’s follower, was very sick. The time she received the call I was busy trying to get my week organized even as I was supervising my boys with their school work.  Immediately she hung up, my wife conveyed the same message to me.

I had already overheard the message as I picked their conversation over the phone, so by the time Gracie was relaying that information to me I was already thinking of a solution to the “crisis”. I was already uptight with my own pressing issues and was not about to take any extra load. So when my wife told me this, I didn’t respond due to the turmoil within. She went upstairs and we each continued with our daily chores. I noticed that she wasn’t amused at all by my silence but I was also so focused on my “things” that I failed to notice it.

After having lunch together, my wife confronted me with the issue. She let me know how much disappointed she was with me for my lack of sensitivity and compassion. To her I was at that time worse than an infidel. How can my sister be so sick and this man is just sitting there unmoved she thought to herself. I initially tried to justify myself when confronted by her, but I later did confess that the reason I was quiet was because I was trying to figure out what could be done, in other words trying to come up with a solution.

Therein lies a mistake that us men do often times that makes our wives feel unloved. What my wife wanted that Monday morning after receiving that news wasn’t anything big. To her this was not Rocket science as much as it seemed to me. What she wanted was for me to feel with her, maybe come and put my hands around her, hug her, reassure her that it was going to be okay and then maybe end by praying together with her for her sister. You mean it is that simple, you may ask. Then why didn’t you just do it.

Well I’m not alone in this matter; many men are in the same boat. The mistake us men make is to think that when she shares with you her feelings, she is asking for solutions. So we give advice and in the eventuality that we can’t come up with any, we remain quiet like I did that morning. When we do this she feels unloved because you don’t understand her, you don’t feel her. That’s the lesson I learnt afresh that Monday morning.

"Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way..." - 1 Peter 3:7