THE CAPTIVATING WOMAN!

I recently heard this story of this man who had been twice married and divorced. During his stint in both marriages, he had this concubine that he never left even as he left his wives. However absurd this may appear I was left wondering what it is that this concubine did to this man that he couldn’t leave him even as much as he left his two wives. She must have captivated this man in a very strong way.

The word captivating is quiet a strong one. It means the man is held captive, he has no where to go, in other words he is bound there.  And in a marriage, this should be a good thing. Your man should be held captive because of what he enjoys, just like a man who is captivated by something he is watching on the screen so much so that he cannot be distracted by anything anyone else. That’s how your love for your man should be. One of the wisest men that ever lived, King Solomon advised his son thus -;

 “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth… may you ever be captivated by her love”.

A great way of captivating your man is by giving him great sex. And for this to happen, you need to make it a priority in your marriage and not an after thought. Great sex is important to your man for these two reasons-;

1. It affirms to him that he can sexually satisfy the woman he married. At the core of this is something really manly about it. Try as we might to push aside “manliness” as a relic from days gone by, the truth is that a man wants to feel like a man. Sadly, in the name of feminism and women’s rights, we too often have stripped men of the God-given qualities and characteristics that celebrate their masculinity. Fulfilling sex gives a man confidence. Your desire for him is a bedrock form of support that gives him power to face the rest of his daily life with a sense of confidence and well-being. Dr. Kevin Leman in his book Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage describes this so well-;

“So much of who we are as men is tied up in how our wives respond to us sexually. While this may surprise some of you wives, as a psychologist I believe that every healthy man wants to be his wife’s hero. He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest or latest car, he may be losing what little looks he had to begin with, his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally put some scratches on his back in the heat of passion, he will still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.”

2. Fulfilling sex makes him feel loved and desired. Most men stray away from their spouses for the simple reason that they don’t feel loved and desired in the way they want to. One man’s eloquent plea captured this perfectly: “I wish that my wife understood that making a priority of meeting my intimacy needs is the loudest and clearest way she can say, “You are more important to me than anything else in the world.” It is a form of communication that speaks more forcefully, with less room for misinterpretation, than any other.

Your lack of desire makes your man feel rejected and when a wife rejects her husband’s need for sex, she is rejecting him because his sexual drive is an essential part of who he is. Whoever said that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach may have been right but they missed it by a few inches up. And so ladies, if you aren’t “taking care of business at home” a couple times a week, you may be creating your monster.

WHAT WOMEN DESIRE

After almost sixteen years of marriage and over ten years of counseling women, I can tell you emphatically that women are basically the same. Like cars, there may be a few different options available on some models, but under the hood, the equipment is the same. Some men don’t understand this, so they keep changing wives (or women) hoping each time to get a newer or better model who performs hundred percent of the time and never needs care and maintenance.

Whether a woman is growing up with her parents or living with her husband, she has a genuine need to be secure. At the heart of every woman is this question, Am I lovely? Women die to be loved right from when they are young. Just as we saw last week, what husbands crave for in a marriage is respect. Wives on the other hand die for love. And hear this well man, love is not sex, as much as sex can be an expression of that love (now that is a topic for another day). Women want to be shown affection. They want to know that they are the main attraction in their husband’s life.

In loving my wife, I make her feel secure in our relationship. And for a husband to satisfy his wife’s need for security, he must first communicate that he cares for his wife above anyone or anything else in his life. Love begins with priorities. She wants to know that she is “numero uno” in your life. My wife wants to know that she comes above and before my work, my family or even the boys. The first commandment in loving her is that I will have no one or other things before her. In case you have been complaining of your wife being jealous, now you know.

Secondly, a husband must communicate his admiration and love for his wife. Let me ask you husband, do you compliment your wife on how beautiful she looks before she goes to work in the morning or do you just let her go off like that only for her to receive compliments from her male boss. After she has spent a while and a fortune in making her hair, do you tell her how lovely she looks or do you just brush aside that head so that you can watch ‘Manu’ loosing to ‘Barca’.

A story is told of a man whose wife was bothered by her husband’s lack of affection for her. She never heard her husband compliment her or even tell her how much he loved her. So one day she dared to ask him the six-million dollar question, “How come you don’t tell me that you love me?” To this the man replied, “When I married you ten years ago, I told you that I loved you. Now when I change my mind I will let you know.”

Women thrive in affection, just like the sunshine makes the flowers open up their petals and bloom, so do words of affection do to a woman’s heart. Remember at the heart of every woman is the cry, “Am I lovely? Do you love me?

WHAT DO MEN WANT?

I, Barnie, read a very interesting story in one of the local dailies this week that I thought was very funny and yet so insightful. In this story a woman who was unhappy with the way her husband was treating her decided to seek the services of a witch docter to find out a way of slowly killing her husband. The witch docter gave the woman this advice, "Take this poison and mix it with the food that you serve him for the next six months. Remember to kiss him often and treat him like a king." This, the witch docter assured her, would make him weaken gradually and kill him eventually. And so excited by this advice the women went and religiously did as she was told. At first her husband was surprised, because they had not been on good terms for a long time. As days turned to weeks and weeks to months she continued doing what she had been told to do and she and her husband started to get close. The man on the other hand started to shower her with a lot of love and affection. Five months later, she realised how happy she was --- her husband had turned into a loving, romantic, thoughtful husband. How could she leave without him? Isn't it amazing what we can do when we are desparate? I wish I had heard this story before,it might just have saved me several hours of counselling. But the crux of the story is this; that witch docter helped this woman scratch where it itched. This is such an important lesson for all you ladies out there to learn as it will save your significant relationship. So what do men want? It is obvious from the above story that men want more than Nivea cream and Roll-on. Men want to be treated with respect. For men, they feel loved when you show them respect the way the woman in the above story did. This respect is demonstrated by how you treat him even when you think he doesn't deserve it. When he comes home late or having forgotten to buy bread, how do you receive him? Who cooks his food or serves him the food after it is cooked? Do you treat him the way you treat his children or do you treat him ROYALLY? You don't have to go to a witchdocter to be taught how to love your man. As a woman it is your responsibilty to learn how to treat your man with respect so that he will feel loved and wanted, for that is what we men want.

WHAT DO YOU DESIRE?

"A desire births a dream, a dream acted on takes you to a goal and eventually the goal gets you to your destiny" - Grace Achoki


A story is told by our LORD Jesus in the bible about a certain man at the pool of Bethsaida who desired that someone would carry him into the pool for him to recieve his healing. This man was paralyzed from birth and for years he lay there waiting for someone to help him. Everytime the water was stirred he desired to be first on the line but others got there ahead of him. Desire would not let him leave even if it meant that he dies there.

This past week had a bit of turbulence in it. This was caused by a misunderstanding on my (Gracie) side. I kept on fighting and trying to convince myself that Barnie (my hubby) was the one on the wrong in this situation. I felt he was not understanding and wasn't handling me with the tender loving care (TLC) that I felt I deserved. Deep down inside I had a desire to be understood. Communication continued as usual but there was one part of me that was not satisfied. Personally, I Gracie don't like the sun going down with our issues still hanging on the sky, but the nature of this 'dome' was very sensitive. I knew the timing and environment to have a serious conversation was not right. Oh! how I desired for him to talk to me (hey! stop pretending ladies that you don't desire in your heart to have a wonderful conversation without hung ups with your hubby).

We later did pour out our hearts to each other, took responsibility for our actions and came to an understanding. Our relationship was restored to where its supposed to be and what looked like a huge mountain melted down to a mole hill. Praiiiise God the issue was sorted out.

Like the man at the poolside we sometimes feel helpless but yet with a deep desire for things to work out between us in our marriages. The issues we have had for two days, two weeks or even two months seem like thirty eight years. If only we looked up, then we would see Jesus standing besides us and asking us if we are really earnest about getting well and getting along in our marriage. From the story above, Jesus said to the man "Get up! Pick up your bed (sleeping pad) and walk". Likewise, Jesus is waiting for us to acknowledge Him in our situation, listen to Him, get up from that situation and walk or is it talk. Take responsibility for your part in the issue and quit playing the blame game or waiting for someone else to come and sort out your issues.

What situation has put you down this long in your marriage? What do you need to do, what action steps do you need to take in order to begin to walk again in your relationship? What do you desire to see in your marriage? Get up! pick up your bed, that thing that you have been lying on, that thing that you have let fall down, and do something don't just sit there and brood.

Facing your Giant

I Barnie recently read a very interesting article on sexual desires of men and women. Most sexual problems according to this article occur when sexual desires of men and women are not in sync. "He  says she never wants sex." She says he always wants sex." "These are common marital complaints recorded by doctors and therapists who deal with sex problems. A couple may be terribly in love, but have disparate sexual desires. While she may be happy with sex onve or twice a week, he may want it every day and if the couple does not reach a compromise, this may create serious conflict in the relationship. The problem in sexual issues is that they are not freely discussed and so couples sweep them under the carpet until they explode," the article goes on to say.

I fully agree with the above sentiments. I too have come across such issues and I am always left to wonder why couples cannot just sit down and handle these issues and others by facing them square on the face and dealing with them. Instead, like the proverbial ostrich, we bury our heads on the sand and ignore our problems. We have not learnt to face these Giants head on and deal with them. These Giants may not necessarily be of the sexual nature as discussed above, but could be issues of our past, our anger problem or annoying habits that destroy our love relationships. They could even be the conflicts that rise up in our relationships. For me Barnie, my Giant was whenever my wife would say these words to me at night, "Honey, can we talk?" That was a 'Giant' that I always avoided like plague. But I realized that unless I faced it, our relationship would never be the same again. I had to swallow hard, sit up in bed and say in my mind " Okay, BRING IT ON" .

These Giants sometimes look so huge like Goliath, and we are small like David. And so just like Goliath did with the Israelite army, they taunt us, and mock us and keep us paralyzed days on end. And so because of our fear of them, we ignore them by sweeping them under the carpet and assume everything's okay. But that's a lie, you and your partner, or at least one of you knows the truth. The more you want to get intimate the harder it becomes because a wall has been erected, there is a barrier that hinders penetration and thus its painful, people hurt, and true intimacy is not achieved. On the other hand, it takes what the Kamba call "vinya" (remember the clarion call "Osa vinya Mukamba"); that is courage, to brace yourself or yourselves up and say "we need to talk". Lets face it, let us come up against it like David did with Goliath,  and you will be surprised at what God will do. He is waiting for you to take that step of "faith".

It takes both courage and initiative to face our Giants and not to run away from them. The easier way is always the way out, taking the short cut, assuming it's okay or remaining quiet about it. As men we run into our caves and hide there. We put up a sign "Don't Disturb" and attack like a venomous snake whenever that topic, our Giant, is mentioned. But as you know, short cuts end up being long cuts. It seems hard to face the Giant, but after you have done it, it's all downhill. Its time to stand up and be counted, take courage men and take the initiative. After all, men are the heads of the home and headship or leadership requires us taking initiative. Why sit you there till you die, do something, face your Giant and deal with it.

So what Giants have risen up in your relationship? Have you been running away from them or have you been facing them square on the face and dealing with them? If you have been running away from them, realize this, you cannot run away from yourself. If you don't deal with those Giants they will continue to haunt and taunt you. They will paralyze your relationship and there will be no progress into intimacy. So rise up o man take courage and take initiative to face your Giant, the Giant in your relationship.

Yes I Do, Did I?

I Barnie says...

Early this week, early Monday morning to be precise, my wife and I were woken up by the sad news of the tragic death of one of the world's greatest marathon champions and Olympic marathon winner Samuel Kamau Wanjiru, who died at the tender age of 24. What was so sad about this death was the circumstances that led to it and the skeletons that are coming out of the wardrobe, or should I say coffin. Here was a promising young man with a great future ahead of him but who through careless living ended his life prematurely. The skeletons that came out were mainly in regard to Wanjiru's marriage. "Wanjiru's death shows something is terribly wrong with marriages" was the heading in the TALKING POINT  section of the Daily Nation dated Tuesday May 17th.

Marriage seems to be underseige when you read and here such comments, but truth be told, it is something that calls for a fresh look at what we are getting into when we enter marriage. Early this month Grace and I began sharing on Hope FM on the importance of preparing ourselves for marriage. I have noted of late the influence of the wedding show on Citizen TV (let's not even talk about the Royal Wedding), on many young people intending to get married. A lot of focus is being put on the wedding day itself and I'm left wondering what measures are being taken to prepare the couples for the marriage itself. Remember, the wedding is just an event, as a matter of fact, a few hours event, but marriage is for life, it's for a lifetime so you better prepare well for it. People who get caught up in their emotions and the wedding plans without asking themselves some tough, or rather sober questions end up wondering if they really did say "I DO" several years or even months after they do.

 I remember several years ago while taking a couple through premarital counselling, the husband to be was busy running is hand over the lady's hair evidently caught up with his fiancee's beauty, even as I labored to pour my heart to them. Sad to say that today they are no longer together. What happened? As a man are you looking beyond the outer beauty into the inner beauty or are you just mesmerized with the external, how fair she is, her shape, her lovely eyes. Nothing wrong with that obviously, my wife had all that plus a wonderful voice to go with it. But there have been times those eyes have not been as lovely as they were red, that voice has not been as wonderful as it has been worryful, and the shape may no longer be that figure 8 although she's trying her best. But you know what, that has not changed the person I married, neither should it change my promise to her. Yes even in those difficult times when I wonder if I did, I'm reminded of what I said and what I have helped many others say, "I DO".You have only one of two choices to make, to remember your moment of "I DO" and to swallow hard and forge ahead in your marriage, or to take what I call the easier option and say "I Didn't" and walk out. The latter leads to Death, yes divorce is a kind of death, and with it you end up being a statistic like Wanjiru, while the former leads to yes, a legacy for your sons and daughters, for the generation to come.

And so for you who have not yet said "I DO", think twice before you say it, make sure you know what you are getting yourself into and ask yourself, is this what I really want? Can I handle this (marriage)? Do I have what it takes? Am I willing to make the necessary sacrifices? Am I ready to make that commitment "Forsaking all others, keep myself only for thee"?  And If you have already said "I DO", are you wondering if you did? Well it's too late for you now, but you know what! you can change the only thing that is in your power to change, and that is yourself. Remember your "I DO" and make the right choice to continue in your "I DO" and you will not end up like Wanjiru, Omondi, your Dad, or whoever else that is part of this bad statistics.

NB. Thanks to all You our fans who have been listening to us on Hope FM this month, you have been a great source of encouragement to us. Keep listening and you and your marriage (for you singles your future marriage) will surely live.

Till “D” Do Us Part

“I Gracie take you Barnie to be my lawful wedded husband, to love and hold, in sickness and in health for richer for poorer, till death do us part.  This is my vow I give to you.” 

Do these words ring a bell or do you hear the bells ringing without these words?  How many times have you attended weddings and visualized yourself as the bride?  Imagine you walking down the aisle once again in your “Kate” lassed dress, not to mention the corset that’s holding everything together and all that the makeup is hiding.  So where were we?  Would the vows change this second time?  Would it go like this, “ I take you to be my awful wedded hurb, to love but not to hold especially after midnight.  For richer and definitely not for poorer (we ‘ve  eaten enough vegetables), for better and certainly not for worse (what could be worse than sitting in the living room waiting for him to come home after promising to be home in the next ten minutes), in health yes, but not in sickness  aaaai, the kids have taken me through enough, till death, oh! sorry till my girlfriend Diana do us part or I say till Dennis in the office puts us apart as he meets my emotional  needs.  You see, I need affection.  I need love.  It’s called “catching up with my buddies” not hanging out with the wrong company.  “One can really get lonely”, you argue.

So what would your vows sound like  this time?  Do you feel guilty?  Ouch!  Maybe we didn’t take the original vows seriously because we were busy planning for the wedding and thinking of the honeymoon. But it’s now too late to change our minds, however we can change our attitudes towards each other. So there’s no harm in writing the vows on a piece of paper and exchanging them again.  This time look right into his lovely eyes and mean what you say.  Line upon line let it sink deep inside like an iron sheet piercing the side of your belly.  Let it be real.Thought through seriously, these vows are very heavy and as you say them who knows if the feelings will come again and follow your commitment. It may just be a new beginning for the two of you, a kind of being married again experience like the one of being born again. It’s an experience you will never forget. And of course the mark is forever there.  Let your yes be, yes, “I do” as God guides you.  Remember that it’s not by power nor by might but by the Spirit of God.  By the grace of God we can make the vows again and intentionally work hard to keep them. Let the celebrations now begin and yes, have another honeymoon.